Newest Member: DrowningZombie


Doing the work (BS)

I’ve read a lot on here about what "doing the work" looks like for a WS but I’m a little lost on what that looks like for the BS

I’ve been in IC now almost consistently for 3 years and i Still have many parts of my life I’m struggling to get back in control of.

Most of my IC has been "talk therapy" with very little in the way of tools and techniques.

I’ve recently switched after my long time IC told me I should support my wayward best friend after his A even though he refuses to change his behaviour 🙄

So now I have a new IC who is the first one in 3 years to ask me about my pre A personality, life even going back to childhood so we’ll see how this goes.

So to those BS out there who feel they’ve "done the work" what did that look like for you?

All the best TD

15 comments posted: Sunday, January 22nd, 2023

3 years from Dday

Haven't frequented the forums much for a while. To be honest I needed the break. I have lurked a little bit and replied to a couple of posts but just mostly taken some time away in an attempt to put the A behind me.

Anyway I received a DM a couple of weeks back asking for an update on how I am doing and I thought maybe around the anniversary of Dday would be an opportune time.

So thanks to that person for asking and checking in on me 😊 you know who you are

No point rehashing the A, I posted frequently during our failed attempt at R and a little bit shortly afterwards. But suffice to say WGF truly broke my heart with her A and I hers when I pulled the plug on R. We were both essentially ill-equipped for R. I wanted to know everything and she wanted to forget everything. It was a recipe for failure.

So where are we now.

Well officially I moved out of the family home 18 months ago. We split amicably with no arguments about finances. Everything 50/50. We continued to live in each others shadow for around another 6 months with frequent excuse "for the kids" to have meals and days out together. Eventually I pulled the plug on this too because it was tearing me apart.

The last time WGF asked me to reconsider was about 6 months ago. It was horrible to see her so low.

In the last year we have continued to coparent amicably. True 50/50 on care and finances. We have managed to come together for school appointments etc without drama.

Kids are okay, they’ve adapted well but for obvious reasons prefer the comfort and convenience of their own house. It was the only place they had ever lived till I moved out.

I started a new job the same week I moved out and this is going well. It keeps me very busy. Too busy to be honest.

I started dating in March this year. The 1st was a stupid mistake when I misinterpreted my own feelings towards a friend when what I was really looking for was friendship. That one lunch date ruined our friendship I’m afraid as her feelings were romantic and mine only platonic.

The second was via OLD with someone who was truly amazing, who I cared for very much but unfortunately I just couldn’t see it being a long term relationship. We just didn’t have any shared interests. She became very keen very quickly and I called it off after 2 months which sadly broke her heart. I think of her frequently but I learned my lesson about NC with my WGF and I haven't seen her since.

And now I have been with my current GF also via OLD for almost 5 months. I’ve faced many of the same fears I ran away from with GF number 2 but I’ve managed to work my way through them. We are well suited, we share so many interests and our ethics are very similar. In another life I can see if we’d met earlier we both would’ve avoided the traumas we have each been through.

So that’s my update. I don’t have a crazy ex. I have met 3 phenomenal women who are not bunny boilers. I am financially secure. My kids are doing well.


This still doesn’t feel like my life 🤔

Anyway I will have a few topics I’d like to talk through in future posts but for now happy to answer questions.


5 comments posted: Friday, December 23rd, 2022

What would you do….?

If somebody very close to you, someone who lived through and helped you through your betrayal trauma…. Cheated on their spouse?

Just trying to gauge if my response so far has been too much….

9 comments posted: Monday, October 17th, 2022

Family staying in regular contact with ex.

Just wanted to get the general consensus on this.

2.5 from dday
1year from separation

My family are staying in regular contact with XWGF

I don’t just mean being pleasant when bumping into each other I mean regular texting, popping round for coffee and attending bbqs etc.

I had some great news to share with my mother this morning which I only got last night and she already knew via ex.

Is this normal? Acceptable?

10 comments posted: Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Too serious too quick

So I posted a little while ago about how good NC has been for me. It’s not complete NC because we have kids but it’s as good as I can hope it to be.

Since going NC I felt better almost immediately and started dating a couple of months later. Initially I went on 1 date with a friend which I knew immediately was a mistake and that mistake broke her heart. We seem to have gotten through that and back to friends (ish)

I then met someone OLD and went on a 1st date a few weeks back. We got on well and have communicated daily since and met a few times for coffee etc (etc being a very encompassing term in this context if you catch my drift)

She is super keen on me and everything I do or say inadvertently only seems to cement in her mind that I am mr perfect.

Last night I had an overwhelming feeling that things were moving too quickly and a major panic attack ensued. I do like this girl but I am already conscious that for me I think this is a short term relationship measured in weeks or months not years, but that she is on the verge of saying the ILYs and daydreaming about running off into the sunset, it’s got me scared as hell what I do here.

Any advice on how to pull this current relationship back to casual / lighthearted and steer it away from the meeting parents and god knows what next stage?

15 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Feeling low.

So last night was my first proper night out since separating from WGF. Just me and a mate, few beers, dinner, few more beers and a club.

Probably let my hair and my guard down more than I was planing to if you know what I mean and this morning I have a girl less than half my age texting me. Don’t even know how it happened or where we met etc I just know we was at the club together.

I feel f****** awful about it.

Nothing major happen just dancing and whatever in the club., no going back to anyone’s house etc but I feel like I’ve cheated. I don’t feel good about my behaviour in anyway, I don’t want to see this girl again I just wanna curl up and disappear

Why the hell do I feel like this. I’m free and single.

This is not the life I want to live I still just want my old comfortable predictable life back.

6 comments posted: Sunday, October 17th, 2021

Post separation finances

WGF and I are agreed on a 50/50 child care situation and will take care of any bills within our own individual homes

What is less clear are those bills that are neither her nor mine.

For example

She will keep our pets (I can’t take them) so will need to pay 50% of their upkeep

Kids clothes, hobbies, costs etc

Kids school friends birthday presents

How do you all manage the money that goes back and forth between you? We are agreed on 50/50 for all these things but how does that work in principle?

We currently have a joint account which we plan to close but would be ideal for keeping a “float” for these kind of situations however that leaves us financially linked and a credit risk.

We could send money back and forth each time one of us takes care of one of these situations but that sounds laborious


WGF “I’ve just bought DD a pen for school, it cost $1.20, can you send me 60 cents please”

What do you guys do?


12 comments posted: Thursday, July 1st, 2021

Is this unusual?

Tomorrow I will exchange and complete on my new house, over the next few days I will slowly move out - but why slowly?

Well essentially we get on great, we don’t argue, I don’t ram her A down her throat and we enjoy each other’s company.

We have children who live in the same house and we are both showing them that we can be amicable or more than amicable

She has agreed to almost every single request I have made, we have without conflict agreed who will keep what, take what and where the kids will spend their time.

She has bought me gifts to furnish my new home and I have taken care of jobs that needed doing here in advance of my leaving this house (my kids primary abode) so she doesn’t have to worry about them

So how is this all possible - I don’t see a single other instance of this situation on SI, we are like a couple who have R’d without the R

Neither of us want what is happening but she could not deliver what I asked for and I cannot give her what she wants

My needs - NC / truth (she works with AP and doesn’t want to talk about the A so no IC and no timelines etc for me)

Her needs - Pretend it never happened just move on and be better to each other.

I have been going over and over this in my head, can we stay friends, should we stay friends - and ultimately I come to the same points

We are parents and have to coparent

If I had to exclude anyone who has cheated from my life that would be a lot of people and many who I am close to and rely on inc my best friend for life and father but many many others so what sense does it make to treat WGF any different? - would I be cutting my nose off to spite my face - she is facing the consequences of her choices by having to support herself financially and despite what I expected she is not blaming that on me for initiating separation. She is for the most part accepting responsibility for the outcome of her choices.

Is this the calm before the storm?

Are the any precedents for this situation here on SI?


38 comments posted: Tuesday, June 29th, 2021


So just heard from WGF to inform me that she’s dropped her signed paperwork in at the solicitors to instruct them to handle her purchase of my half of the family home

Everything else regarding mortgage applications / approvals / closing on my own new home etc is already underway so not being married this is about as close to initiating divorce as we get...

I’m not going to lie I shed a tear (or lots of tears) when I got her message this afternoon. I’ve been holding them in for a while now trying to fake it before I make it and havnt really had any kind of strong emotional days for a number of weeks now but this hit me today.

It’s a mixture of sadness, loss, anxiety, excitement, empowerment, grief, and all sorts of other mixed emotions but mostly this is a sad day, one I never ever imagined would come to pass.

If I was to compare, it’s nothing like the raw emotions of the 3 - 6 months post dday but compared to how I’ve been for a month or two it’s pretty strong.

Separating is going about as smoothly as one could hope for. WGF has agreed to any and all request I have made and we have so far continued to have a very amicable split. We get on so well and agree on almost everything besides the A which of course is a mute point now so life at home is harmonious and today’s step was as simple as agreeing who turn it is to put the bins out.

I still cannot fathom whether or not this is an epic game of chicken and who will blink first but regardless another step in the process has been ticked off.

18 months post Dday this still doesn’t feel like my life 😢


7 comments posted: Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

No Regrets

In the time I’ve been on SI (around 1 year) I have read and been told multiple times that no BH who has chosen to D/S has regretted it

Currently right now we have not 1 but 2 BH’s posting that for reasons of loneliness / children they do regret their decision to leave and they are considering or actively moving forwards with a new attempt at reconciliation.

In addition there are at least 4 BH’s (myself included) in the phase between telling their WW they want a D and actually physically separating, who for want of a better description are in and out like a fiddlers elbow.

My analysis of all of these situations indicates we have WWs who do regret their choice to cheat, would probably take it back if they could, are very forthcoming with ramping up the affection and focusing on any positive fallout of the A like closer connection, HB etc but for reasons that I just cannot understand cannot (or will not) accept the negative consequences such as lower trust levels, adjustments to their daily lives to make their spouses feel safe (transparency, NC etc)

My observation from the posters stories are that these WWs are not inherently bad people, made terrible choices, sadly doubled down on these terrible choices by refusing to acknowledge the BH’s pain and now years down the line are still trying to rugsweep.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of my posts is but I guess I have 2 questions

1. Are the 2 posters mentioned above genuinely the first BH’s that have come back after D/S and said they regret their decision to leave?

2. What is going on with our WW’s who desperately want to stay M but even when faced with the ultimate consequence of D/S can’t or refuse to accept the proven steps to achieve that? Why is D/S an easier pill to swallow than what you are asking them to do?


18 comments posted: Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Playing Chicken

It’s been a while since I posted and generally I’m in a pretty good place. In the last few weeks, between us, WGF and I have made a huge number of steps towards separation but it’s clear that’s not what either of us really want, it’s just what’s happening.

Someone mentioned this previously and I had had the feeling myself, that WGF and I appear to be locked into a game of chicken and neither of us are backing down.

Some back ground

WGF of 24 years had a 3 month PA with a CoW at the end of 2019. All the signs were there and I asked her what was going on multiple times but in the end, like so many others on here I had to find evidence before she would confess. The months that followed were littered with all the things we see so regularly on Si, gaslighting, blameshifting, minimising, catasthroihising, denial, TT etc etc

I like many others fumbled in my attempts to get what I needed and did the pick me dance for a long time

But eventually at around 6 months post Dday WGF fell back in love with Twodozen again and fell hard.

At this point I started to feel stronger and started to realise that how I had behaved for the prior 6 months was affecting my own self esteem, so I consciously and sub consciously started to back off whilst I watched what WGF did. She did not waiver in her attempts to love bomb me (for the record I believe this is genuine) but still refused to talk much detail about the affair, saying why go backwards, it’s in the past etc.

And we carried on this little tango of me dipping in and out of depression whilst WGF hoped it would all just go away if we waited it out.

Eventually at roughly 1 year post Dday I changed IC and this one advised me to put what I needed on the table and be prepared to walk. So I did

I ask for

NC (they still work together)

Find out why / how this happened

Deal with answers to above

No more lies past / present / future (including telling me anything I didn’t already know)

She failed in all 4, she had 3 IC sessions before dropping out, refused to quit work or even ask AP to quit work, and will not tell me anything I don’t know in case it hurts me more. She also vocalised she can’t live with these kind of questions for the rest of her life and just wants to forget it all ASAP.

So very amicably we agreed we can’t go forward. We agreed to separate. We lived this reality on our own for a few weeks before finally telling the children a couple of weeks ago. Since then it’s been a whirlwind of events including finding a new house for me and having my offer accepted, agreeing terms on the current house and telling our families (who did not know) within a couple of months from now I will move out and our new life’s without each other will begin but to the point of my post

This is very clearly not what she wants and as anyone who has read my ramblings before will know it is not what I want, but here we are

So today and for the last few months our house is calm and full of love, we speak to the mortgage company together, we watch a movie, we look at houses for me together, we go for lunch, I make an offer which is accepted, we cook a nice dinner together, we agree terms on current house, we take kids out to a restaurant. I think you see the picture.

Now I never initiated this course of action to manipulate WGF into doing the things I asked, it was as described above an agreement that we can’t progress without those things I asked for and she can’t progress if I don’t let it go. But I am shocked at the uncomfortable things that WGF has been willing to do that to me seem more uncomfortable than what I asked for. Exposing herself to kids and family was not easy.

She told the kids and took all the blame, she’s increased her hours to be able to afford things when I leave, she is signing up to a lonely life without me rather than finding a solution to NC. Our debts will increase from virtually zero to $$$$$$$ as we take on new mortgages each etc.

I feel I am being stubborn here too, but I know that when Covid subsides and they end up back within the same office and the office socials begin (which she says she cannot get out of) I won’t be okay so I stick to my course of action.

What am I witnessing here? we both clearly (to me) love each other very much but we are on our way to separation regardless.

Has anyone else been here before, had a WS that just couldn’t do what you needed and you had to separate even though if you took infidelity out of the equation your relationship would be / is considered idealic.

This post is not a last ditch attempt for me to try R again, for the reasons stated above I know there’s pain on the horizon if I don’t S. I’m just trying to understand what I’m witnessing from both WGF and myself. We can’t be the first to have trodden this path, is there a logical conclusion / destination to all this?

Has anybody else come through infidelity, separated from their spouse but still felt like their WS was their best friend?

For the record the last few weeks since telling the children, finding a house, telling in-laws etc have been the easiest weeks since all this started. I feel calm and at peace with myself now that I am no longer lying to my children and family, now that I am no longer hiding behind a fake smile. That smile on my face today is genuine, I am not happy about what happened or where we are headed but a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders and I feel at peace for the first time in almost 2 years.

I think for WGF it’s the same deal, now that R is off the table I have no need to rehash old questions, I no longer ask her anything about her A we just talk about the kids, future plans, plans that neither of us want but this seems ultimately more palatable to her than the hard work of R.

FYI beyond the initial shock the kids have coped remarkably well, probably due to the fact there is zero animosity in the house and everything is happening relatively frictionless. Our parents are completely confused of course but coming to terms with it.


25 comments posted: Thursday, April 29th, 2021

IC recommended Esther

Just looking for thoughts. Currently In amicable IHS with STBXWGF in early stages of discussing separation agreement and telling kids.

It’s clear that neither of us want S but that neither of us are prepared for the hard work of R and WGF is unwilling to accept any of the consequences that come with it.

WGF has quite her IC after 3 sessions and said it was a waste of time.

My IC knows that I still love my WGF and last night suggested that I take separation off the agenda for a bit to see if I become okay without the NC I asked for, the issue that drove me to start the S discussion in the first place (AP is a colleague) She also suggested I read Ester Perrel

Is she suggesting I try to rugsweep? Or is there any value in listening to what she is saying?


59 comments posted: Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

Finally being honest

I’m only a couple of weeks into the start of separation and have a long way to go. But from my new slightly changed vantage point I realised something last night

Both WGF and I are finally being honest with each other. Not with respect to what she did, she’ll take many of those details to the grave with her and only 2 people will ever know what really happened.

No what I mean is that we’re both being honest about what we wanted all along and that is the “old relationship” with a few benefits of infidelity bolted on such as HB and date nights etc. Neither of us was really ever prepared to accept the long term consequences of her affair, the lost trust (in both directions) the “different kind of love” etc

It took us a while to get here, 15 months but we are being honest with each other that what we want we can’t have and therefore let’s change direction and separate.

She doesn’t like the consequences of S much either but she seems much more prepared to accept these than she was the consequences and work required for R so I think it’s for the best.

It’s kind of freeing, coming to this realisation, sad but freeing. I no longer need details, my concerns and anxieties have changed from one thing (her affair) to another (finances and the children) and these anxieties are easier to absorb and deal with.

I’m not naive and I’m sure there are some obstacles ahead of me but I’ve found a little bit of peace to collect myself, the eye of the storm maybe?

What is interesting though, is that in talking about S it is very clear that even during the A she had absolutely no plans on what she wanted, she has no fixed ideas on where she wants to live, what her life looks like post S, no real ideas on coparenting etc. I’d always thought this was an exit A but i’m now starting to believe this was an MLC / cake eating A.


[This message edited by TwoDozen at 5:02 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

14 comments posted: Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Separation Agreement

Moving to IHS (once kids are told) so need to draft an amicable agreement regarding what happens during and after this time. As we are not married we don’t have any legal ties other than house and children so we will be using a period of approximately 6 months to deal with those before selling the house.

Just interested if anybody has any suggested separation agreement clauses or complete agreements that I should consider including.

This should be a fair agreement for both WGF and BBF with everything being split 50/50. I am not interested in coming out with more because I am the betrayed. I just want 50% of the assets and most importantly 50% of the time with the children.



[This message edited by TwoDozen at 4:44 AM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

5 comments posted: Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Telling the children

I am looking for age appropriate scrips for telling the children that mum and dad are separating and the reason why

WGF wants to go down the mum and dad don’t love each other anymore route but I am adamant they need an appropriate version of the truth and not to lie to them.

Besides I haven't fallen out of love with WGF and neither (to my knowledge) has she fallen out of love with me. We are just not cut out for the hard work of R and as someone on here has in their signature love is not a measure of how much pain one person is willing to endure.

All the children are all old enough to know what cheating is but have zero 1st hand experience of it. The youngest is 15 and the eldest is a young adult. All still live at home and are not self sufficient.

Separating will include selling the family home and therefore the children will be moving between mum and dads new abodes. This will likely entail sharing rooms with their younger / older siblings and generally a less comfortable existence than they currently enjoy.

Having personally been through a year + of something akin to depression myself and now witnessing WGF going through all the same stages I went through last year, it would be naive of me to think that the kids won’t experience something similar so I need to tell them but also somehow sugar coat it at the same time so they don’t go off the rails.

Ideas or suggestions?

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 10:58 AM, March 25th (Thursday)]

26 comments posted: Thursday, March 25th, 2021

Throwing in the towel

Just a quick post to say that after several exhausting weeks WGF and I have agreed to throw in the towel and I will be moving forward with S.

I won’t post all details just yet but essentially after almost one and a half years of me driving the R bus (call it a pick me dance if you must) I asked WGF to take her turn at the wheel and she wasn’t able to.

It seems that I wanted R more than she did or more accurately I was prepared for the hard work and consequences more than she was.

Trying under these conditions is physically and mentally exhausting (on both of us) and ultimately we could not agree on the end goal (reality vs denial) or steps to take us there

Whilst I called it quits and she reluctantly agreed that it’s for the best, I am in the unenviable situation of still being very much in love with my STBXWGF (had hoped i would never use that one) and I do believe vice versa so it’s going to be a difficult situation for me to navigate my way through.

However I am committed to this course of action as I have seen almost zero efforts to move out of a wayward mindset.

I gave her the guidebook 10 months ago and she has ignore or discounted every single piece of advice within it because “we are special” and “we are soul mates” and whilst I agree with both those sentiments there was nothing special about her PA and each and every thing she did to hide it from me and therefore we don’t get a pass.

I am not a quitter but I am smart enough to know when the odds are stacked against me and we have been locked into a zero sum game now for too long whereby we are only able to exchange our own pain for each others. We have taken almost no steps to offload any of that pain so that it’s unburdens the two of us.

Pre A I would have said like many do that I’m a dealbreaker guy, maybe that is what has happened. But since dday 1 I have been pro R and under the right circumstances I would still advocate for R if both parties are willing to do the work. Sadly that is not us

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the posters who took time to help me on my journey, it has ended as some of you predicted but I am glad that I tried, proud of myself for how far I have come since the trauma of dday and the ensuing fog that followed.

WGF is not a bad person, she made some terrible choices and unfortunately has not matured to own those choices and accept the consequences.

We are as of my writing this still “best freinds” and we have not told anyone IRL as we decide when and how to tell our children and our families about the battle we have been fighting. I thought for a very long time we were fighting on the same side, but sadly it appears that is not the case.

I will come back I’m sure to ask for advice of telling children, separating finances, building myself up for the big wide world without my “wingwoman”

I have learned many things on this journey but still have so much to learn. I have done many things wrong but I have stuck to my principles and my code of conduct and I can hold my head up high.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring, their was a time when my future was so clear to me. That came crashing down in Dec 2019 and I have yet to decide what the alternate future will look like. I will start small, take some time for myself, plan some trips with friends, focus on the kids, and see where that takes me.

Heartbroken - 2D

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 9:14 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]

16 comments posted: Thursday, March 18th, 2021


For now let’s just call It plan B, because both SI and my IC tell me I need one. But also because........ infidelity sucks

So I’m looking for a blueprint of all the things to consider in advance of calling it a day, that could be today, tomorrow, next month or never.

For the record I’m in the U.K., we are not married and we have kids in education. Joint accounts and individual accounts but we treat everything as “ours”

Home is jointly owned and residual mortgage is in both names.

Is there a standard blueprint for Plan B? Not just the financial stuff but also the legal stuff and the moving on with your life stuff.

If it came to pass that either I or WGF called time on R I think it could be done amicably without courts being involved but forwarned is forearmed I guess.

There would certainly be a period of continuing to live together, especially with Covid

5 comments posted: Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

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