Newest Member: Definedbygrace


"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

Mod please

Sorry if I’m using this incorrectly but I need assistance with the blocking/forget user option. I did send a message but haven’t heard back yet. I don’t see the option under upgraded options anymore. Thank you in advance.

5 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Cheating hurts the whole family

Today I lost my mother in law. I did get to see her before she passed. It’s a shame we fell out over her son’s choice to cheat. She made excuses for his cheating. Blamed me for all the problems in the marriage. We didn’t talk for over 2 years.

It’s sad how one choice can cause so much pain. It caused a rift in the family. So many people got hurt. He knew his mom was dying of cancer and this is how he chose to act in her last days on earth. I never in my life would’ve thought "hey fcking a random stranger will help my grief of losing my mom". Yet this is one of the reasons he gave me for his atrocious acts. I’ll never understand it and I don’t want to.

The word broken doesn’t begin to describe what he chose to do. He also cheated throughout the time of me losing close family members. One has to completely cut off their connection to humanity to do something so heinous. The last thing I’m ever thinking around death is wanting to bone someone. I feel grief and I feel anger at the same time. The last 3 years have been complete hell.

Just one more loss due to cheating. The gift that keeps on giving.

6 comments posted: Sunday, January 23rd, 2022

The grief of letting go of the broken and disordered

Hello all. I’m truly feeling the weight and grief of the sad reality of my situation. Most days I can push through but today I’m allowing the sadness.

My stbx is certifiably broken and insane. I don’t use those words lightly. He had several mental issues way before the affair and my FOO set me up to tolerate the intolerable. I just have to accept that his cheating exposed just how deep his mental issues are. I mean what does one expect from a person dealing with sex addiction, anxiety, OCD, and NPD. He’s been seen and evaluated by several psychologist since the beginning of our marriage. I pushed for the testing because I knew something was terribly wrong.

For the last 2 days the topic of him wanting to have a child with his cheating co conspirator came up again. That’s incredibly painful because we struggled with infertility issues for years. I put a stop to all the IVF treatments and any thoughts of adoption due to the fact that he’s insane. I didn’t think he was safe to parent and I was correct. So he resented me for it. Asked the mother of the year with 3 baby daddies if she would consider getting her tubes untied. I have had to deal with this deep level of betrayal and disrespect in pieces only. Because I know it would cause unbelievable trauma if I allow myself to deal with it all at once.

So basically I asked him if he felt any shame or guilt for doing this. He said yes and no. I said excuse me?! In his NPD mind he thinks it was ok to want children. I said but you didn’t care with whom or while cheating?! It just went to crazy town from there. He later tried to apologize by saying, " Fine, I’m sorry." I told him he was a sick fck and blocked him. We’re now speaking through email about selling the house only.

There is literally no there there. No soul. No conscience. No empathy. Just a shell of a person that doesn’t exist on a normal plane. I know it’s not for me to understand. I can only accept. Has anyone else had to let go due to mental illness, brokenness, addictions, and disorders? Dealing with cheating is already pure hell. But dealing with someone a few sandwiches short of a picnic is crazy making. It’s absolutely humiliating I chose this person. It makes me feel gross and embarrassed. Ugh I have to just let myself have a moment to deal.

22 comments posted: Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Why do they try to guilt you into staying

I just don’t understand after all the trauma cheaters put us through why they do this. I hear things like "You’re giving up on us". Umm no you gave up on us when you fckd a heaux you met on a dating app. Or this one, "You’re leaving at the time I’m trying to get help". No again. You had 2 years to get into sex addiction counseling. Two years to find an individual counselor. Not to mention he had 21 whole ass years to get his shit together. If that’s not enough time, I don’t know what is.

Y’all this fool has been in an outpatient intensive program for 8 weeks. Individual counseling for about 4 due to a mess up in the program. He’s still dumb. Still Blameshifting. Still playing the victim. Basically still an ass. I know he needs years of counseling and deprogramming but damn it not one iota of sense is getting through. Meh I decided I can’t put my life on hold for him to get over his fuckery. Plus I have lost every ounce of respect for him.

Those who decide to R are saints. I hope your WS truly appreciate what you’ve done for them. Because it looks like most WW’s act like an ass even after being busted. I’m sure it takes patience to wade through the mud of wayward hell with them.

Anywho thanks for listening to me rant and vent. It’s going to be forever strange watching my stbx drowning in the lake of self pity and fuckery of his own making when the exit door of freedom is right there. Aaaaargh!

9 comments posted: Friday, January 7th, 2022

Does the hate ever go away

I hate my spouse for cheating on me with the rays of a thousand suns. Just the thought of him fills me with rage. When I do see him I want to scratch his eyeballs out. I’ve never hated someone more than I hate him.

It’s been 2 years now. Why is the hate as fresh as the day I found out? Is this normal? Does the hate ever go away? How did you deal with it? Express it? It consumes me. I do respect anger as a primary emotion. That makes me angry too. That the psych world says no it just means you’re hurt. Nope that’s not true most of the time. It’s definitely not true for me. Anger gets shit done. Anger is real and just as authentic as any emotion. This isn’t hurt masquerading as anger. I legit hate him.

I find that my rage and anger flare up whenever he feels sorry for himself. There is nothing more infuriating than a cheater that feels like a victim. It invalidates the real victim’s whole lived daily experience. So yup self pity of the WS just fuels the rage. I truly don’t know how anyone gets over this level of hate and anger. It feels insurmountable right now.

Thanks for letting me get that out. Y’all are the only ones who gets it. I also obviously need to take up boxing

40 comments posted: Sunday, December 19th, 2021

So angry I ignored the signs

As more time goes by the angrier I get that I missed some of the most basic signs of cheating. Behavior that I’ve read about or was somewhat aware were tell tell signs of infidelity.

I remember in December of 2019 WH telling me he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore for no reason. Just out of the blue. I was furious. A year later I found out he had met the spouse poacher in November 2018. I recall him trying to take it back less than 30 days later and I lost it on him in the car. That fits in the timeline the SP was seeing other ppl and cooling things off. I screamed at him to fck off and to never touch me again. He lies about this whole scenario until this very day. Tells me it had nothing to do with the affair why he cut off sex. It was to make me wake up and change my mean ways. I had asked him to man up and get some help with his compulsive spending. So in turn he cheated on me because he couldn’t adult. What a liar.

The other stupid and cliche sign was he started caring about his looks. Hired a trainer. The early gym trips lasted barely 2 weeks lol. But yup still was a clear sign he was cheating. I saw all of this and thought good lord typical mid life crisis shit. Other signs his nasty attitude. Screaming like a little girl when I walked into his room. I almost caught him talking to the skank. I really should’ve kicked him out of the house. I regret not pushing that because I did tell him to leave.

I know as the BS were not to blame for missing things or not confronting them. We had blind trust. Our first thoughts aren’t he or she might be cheating. I’ve learned I never should’ve had blind trust in the first place. I knew better. I was taught that anyone was capable of anything and I projected qualities on my stbx that he never had. If he could be dishonest about money, hidden accounts, and foraging my name on documents of course he was capable of cheating.

I’m just still angry and grossed out that he used the guest room to jerk off to phone sex with the skank. Send dick pics and lord knows what else. The red flags were waving like crazy. I’ll never fall for it again.

Thanks so much for listening to my feelings. I have a lot on my mind because as I get closer to this divorce I know I need to actively work on my healing. Thanks for giving me that space to do so. I will be posting a lot so sorry in advance.

26 comments posted: Friday, November 19th, 2021

Just get over it

That’s what I was told today by a supposedly close friend. Oh wait she said it with more nuance. She told me to stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about him. Move on. She knows it’s been just 2 years. Her advice is trash, inappropriate, and inconsiderate. I corrected her at each sentence but she just kept missing the point.

You don’t tell someone healing with trauma to just move on or forget about it. She wasn’t the only one either. I posted a funny post about the cheating. Humor helps me process trauma and it really was hilarious. Last year I took my ex to the very first date he had with his whore. It was hilarious. I took pics and everything and my friends and family are loving it. But for some reason a select few don’t like the way I’m choosing to process my grief or healing.

I noticed that if I’m not rocking in a corner from shame, shutting up, and suffering in silence it seems to bother people. I cut family off that treated me this way. Shouldn’t people allow me to grieve and heal in my own way? Have any of you been told to stop talking about it good or bad? It’s just so off putting. I can’t see these people the same again.

16 comments posted: Sunday, November 14th, 2021

More Lies on 2 year anniversary of Dday 1

I wasn’t looking forward to today because well it’s the 2 year anniversary of Dday 1 and the second year was 20 times harder than the first.

Everything was going way better than expected for me. I woke up happy because I have accepted that I’m so close to freedom. That he’s no longer my problem. I was absolutely ecstatic. So I stupidly said let’s do lunch. We had to go over insurance enrollment so I thought why not.

Things were going almost perfect and he was trying to be on his best behavior because of the fuckiversary date. After brunch and a nice walk I noticed the restaurant when he first lied about the affair. That’s when I said hey remember when we were discussing the guidelines and boundaries of separation and you asked me and I quote "so are you suuure that it’s ok if I date or see someone" I said yes as long as we’re on the same page and stay transparent. Just a little background I asked for a separation after he committed financial infidelity and fckd off 70k in the short span of 2 years. I was trying to have an open dialogue about what was what before and during separation. I was obviously very naive.

Edit: It’s sad I have to clarify this but after this conversation in the restaurant it was decided by us both we wouldn’t see others. We never spoke of this again. He DID cheat and it’s fckd up I have to explain that but I guess some ppl don’t have good reading comprehension or empathy. I clearly stated this in this post look

So of course now I fully realize he was setting me up. Now I know he had already found his side whore. He made me participate in my own victimization and I didn’t know it. The sheer cruelty is almost unbearable. He will never admit that I figured that part out. I compared the dates of when he said the affair started and the day of that conversation. And mind you earlier that month I remember him crying and bawling and pleading with me that he didn’t want to see or date anyone. That he wasn’t interested. Turns out oh he was interested all right it’s just he had to go on a dating app behind my back and secure a heaux to dry those lying cheating crocodile tears.

After crying like a complete nut in less than 30 days he started cheating. After convincing me seeing other ppl was a no go and he stabbed me in the back and I went on for a year with this man in my house. I even told him earlier that year for him to leave. Nope he stayed and had phone sex and car sex and got blow jobs while still living with me. So today I asked him point blank why did he lie to my face when the door was open for discussion. What did this fcking idiot do? He literally pretended like this conversation didn’t happen. Then I said huh you admitted earlier today this conversation did indeed happen. Then he said wait but I told you about her in February of 2019. I said but you met her in November of 2018!! And when you did tell me about her you lied about it and said the affair was over.

Of course in hindsight I should’ve kicked him out right then and there. After this word salad of bullshit he just kept gaslighting me.

At that point I said ok bastard stop fcking gaslighting me and get your shit together or I’m leaving. Then I immediately followed that with naw I’m leaving anyway but you can self correct if you choose. And he continued to pretend to be confused like he always does. I stopped talking, got in my car and drove the fck off. Cheaters will lie to the bitter end. Even if and when there is nothing left to lose. The marriage is over. He’s just a very sick man. I’m not losing anything. Why would I stay with a man that took the opportunity to cheat when we were having money problems not actual relationship issues?!! What kind of sick mind involves his wife in his decision to cheat?! A very fckd up one does.

I’m home now trying to calm down. My heart rate is almost back to normal and I feel safe again. It truly creeps me out that I lived with that for 19 of the last 21 years. I know with 150% certainty leaving this piece of shit is the right thing to do.

11 comments posted: Saturday, November 13th, 2021

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