Newest Member: SoBeyondLost17


Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

Administrators: Is it possible/practical to provide the ability to create polls?

I'm guessing this is a more appropriate place to ask than the General forum but the title kind of says it all. Is this a thing that forum administration has considered making available to thread creators?


3 comments posted: Thursday, November 25th, 2021

The paradox of an exit affair and a subsequent reconciliation

Is it fair to say that most people see an exit affair as a intentionally cruel and very deliberate means for the WS to show the BS, in absolute terms, that the WS wants to get away from a person they don't like? Bad enough so as to knowingly cause a lifelong injury to the BS? Isn't it an "I've got to get away from you at any cost (to you)" kind of thing?

Is it also fair to say the only way R occurs if it's genuinely wanted by the WS and BS? That there's a special kind of effort required by the WS to express in word and deed, over a lifetime, that the BS is worth said effort? And that the WS greatly values the BS?

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around how a WS that is so decidedly vile to a BS can turn around, for reasons that aren't selfish, seek genuine R and value the BS that they saw as so very worthless.

Afterall, we aren't talking about semi-familiar acquaintances who were forced into each other's company and recently saw they were people that didn't like each other for one reason or another. We aren't talking about a new-hire that is introduced to existing staff and there are disagreements resulting in bruised egos/chafing where they then begin avoiding each other. We are talking about two people who knew each other intimately (the good, bad and the ugly) and one of them hated the other person...their whole being, enough to attempt to murder them emotionally and psychologically as effort to get away from them. It's not a situation where there's uncertainty about who the BS was when the WS decided to use the nuclear option(A) to end the M. It's not as though only after an A the WS has a light go off making the WS likable.

It's kind of a "coyote ugly" thing. Except, instead of the coyote biting off their own arm to get away, the coyote bites off the innocent party's arm to get away. Given the history, how would the innocent party ever believe the coyote really values them enough to R after experiencing the length it'd go to get away from them?

How is a BS to ever feel that, to their WS, they're anything more than a weight chained to the WS's neck? Some people use the really generous term of "plan B". To me it feels more like "plan-I guess I have no other choice".

I don't doubt that a WS who utilized an exit affair can't experience regret, remorse, sorrow, guilt or be contrite about what they've done. But I do feel it's almost impossible that the same WS could ever have the genuine love for that BS that's necessary for a real R to happen. The idea of the exit affair and an R seems like a paradox to me given the implications of an exit affair.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

A WS's boundaries in life, in general.

It may not need to be said. But we'll operate with the presupposition that a WS has/have/had a lack of proper boundaries with AP's. With that said we can table that aspect of boundaries.

My question is more precisely about what BS's have observed of their WS's boundaries with friends, family and in general, others that are not AP's (nor known objects of desire/passion/etc.).

As a rule, do WS's struggle with proper boundaries* of all sorts or is it a more "selective" issue with AP's/sources of desire? What's your experience?

*when I say proper boundaries, I am speaking of a lack of boundaries and not overly strict boundaries. Although it'd be interesting to see how great a divide separates a BS that experienced extremely strict boundaries VS the loose boundaries extended to the AP.

31 comments posted: Friday, October 8th, 2021

When I'm honest with myself I freely admit

that I live vicariously through the members that were/are strong enough to do what I didn't. I'm also pretty jealous of everyone who learned of early on.

No pitty party diatribe. No woe is me talk. It's just how it is.

13 comments posted: Saturday, September 4th, 2021

BH's: How does knowing she was your first/only affect you?

I suppose the title says it all.

Me? I am having a hard time putting the way it affects me into words.

This isn't to say single guys should whore themselves out for the sake of protecting themselves from this as a proactive step. But there's some big part of me that finds me feeling a certain way about how popular culture sees males as players and women as wholesome creatures.

19 comments posted: Friday, June 11th, 2021

"If you don't stir it, it won't stink"

That was my FIL's feedback for my WW when she told him some version of my need to ask questions and/or talk about her infidelity (post countless accounts of her lying to me about details and hiding history from me). Then she recounted how he told her he'd never recommend her just bring up something I don't know about (be honest) because he can't see how it would help us....

She told me all of this as though it was some kind of irrefutable logic that would take the air out of my willingness to ask questions or talk about her thoughts and actions with multiple OM over 18 years.

Is it no surprise that the R has not progressed and I've check out?

How is this real life?

34 comments posted: Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Implications of a WS's secrets while attempting R

In terms of a WS which claims to be doing what they can to reconcile, what do you feel are the implications of secrets a WS keeps; from events prior to DD and post DD?

Can they honestly claim to be giving real effort for R while harboring secrets from their BS in any way? How minor does a "secret" need to be to circumvent the claim they're all in on R?

My questions apply to infidelity-related topics as well as those not infidelity-related.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

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