Newest Member: 30yearsofheartache


"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

Trauma Multipliers

I opened a thread a while back on Duplicity vs Cognitive Dissonance which helped me process those concepts a bit more. The contributors there were very helpful.

The next topic Ive been reflecting lately concerning the long lasting impact of infidelity on my life, is what Im calling, "Trauma Multipliers." These are factors in and around the actual infidelity that exponentially increase the negative impact of the betrayal on the Betrayed.

There were two of these for me:

1. The betrayal happened with my supposed best friend as the OM. Due to my fractured upbringing (to put it mildly), I had a hard time making friends growing up and was a bit of a loner. When I made a friend that I thought would be like another Brother AND thought Id found the woman of my dreams, It felt like Id hit the jackpot! Truly. Then, when I found out that they had betrayed me with each other, my world crashed in. Hard to describe the magnified emotional impact of infidelity with this factor.

2. The fact that my wife and I were first and onlys up to the affair. Also very hard to deal with.

Ive had to process these trauma multipliers over the years as almost seperate entities entirely. Id spend therapy sessions just on these.

In the interest of shared learned wisdom, anyone want to contribute their infidelity "trauma multipliers" and how you learned to "deal and heal"?

13 comments posted: Friday, September 30th, 2022

Cognitive Dissonance vs Duplicity

First post that wasnt a response to anothers. My betrayal is old....years ago. You can read a thumbnail description in my bio. I underwent years of therapy to deal with both the trauma and my anemic, rugsweeping response to it that set me up for a decade of pain, heartache and failure. Ive come to grips with my FoO issues. Ive built a great life with my new spouse and am thankful for the progess Ive made.

I hadnt thought of my betrayal for a long while until I hit a hugely traumatic trigger that brought back those memories and some of the old questions came roaring back and started haunting me again. Kind of splinters of the mind that never really go away. One of the biggest questions that arose from those terrible days which brought me back looking for answers here and elsewhere is the one alluded to in my post title and that is, how do you reconcile the concepts of duplicity vs cognitive dissonance? Is it one or the other? Is it both? Which comes first? How do they relate? If both, which is causative?

As a backdrop to this, my understanding of the two is that cognitive dissonance is in the psychological/psychiatric realm with a strong emotional component as the driver(?) whereas duplicity is intentional unethical behavior with the purpose of deceit. Ive leaned toward infidelity being solely duplicitous but the more I hear and research these subjects, the more I wonder if Ive missed the boat and have been face to face with CD and didnt recognize it. If that is the case, where did I go wrong and how does it dovetail with duplicity? I see it as a pretzel and my head hurts.

Ive discussed this at length with another BH and he is all in on the concept of CD, telling me that the mind is extremely intricate, that there are all kinds of overlaps, its not linear (I am a VERY linear thinker), and when you combine that with a flood of new feelinggs and physiological factors like hormones and neural chemistry, you can develop CD. Ive discussed this with my wife and she believes much the same.

So, I know this is a bit cerebral but I am looking for clarity. I have appreciated and learned so much from veteran posters here,both BSs and WSs, and would appreciate your input concerning, what is for me, a very thorny and painful subject.

120 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022

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