BH claims he wants to R, but no effort after 4 years
Sorry for the long post, this is my first time posting. I think I know the answer to my own question, but I really want other perspectives on both sides of this. The current situation - it has been over 4 years since DD and while my BH consistently says he wants to R, he does nothing to actually further that. A brief backstory -I’m a WW. Our DD was a little over 4 years ago. I didn’t handle things well initially at all. I TT’d, I was defensive and generally wasn’t in touch with the mental issues I had, and focused only on his. This obviously made things worse. On top of that, my A was with someone we both interacted with and it blew up that world of things as well. We initially went to MC but it was not the right person snd it was too soon for us to work on the things she was suggesting. We then both started IC and I eventually started going to BH’s counselor so he had both of our perspectives. That and he’s very well respected and sought after. A couple years ago BH stopped therapy altogether and I’ve continued. BH says that while he wants the family because it’s everything he worked for and thinks it’s best for the kids, he can’t get past what happened, he can’t see me the same way and has been fixated on revenge plans on the AP and others connected to him for several years. Living day to day like this has been extremely difficult. He makes almost no eye contact with me, he almost never initiates a conversation and there is no intimacy at all. At my IC recommendation, I’ve been sleeping in another room for a year or so now. This was to create a boundary for me since it was so uncomfortable going into bed each night. The pattern is that I try to do my best at being the best wife I can be to show consistency over time (how my IC says you build trust back), I go with the flow with the lack of connection and focus on the kids, but over time my loneliness and frustration builds and I confront him on the lack of progress or effort. He will always respond by going back to the A and how I never cared then, etc. He’s been stuck in that place and I’m helpless to do anything to change him. I get more upset when he does have moments of being emotional or vulnerable and he does want intimacy, it’s very one sided and afterwards it is back to the coldness which makes me feel used and upset. We recently made promises to each other to help build trust back on both sides (I forgot to mention he’s a mad hatter and he had revenge sex with a distant mutual friend of ours several months after DD). I forgave that right away because he confessed it right away and he seemed to be in a place afterward where he was ready to heal snd work towards R, but it didn’t last. He’s broken those promises we made to each other (involving internet usage) snd got very nasty when confronted about it. He brings up how bad I made him feel, how I probably do things too and that it’s just not going to work out for us. He often says how unfair it is that this decision is all on his shoulders and he’s been treated bad his whole life and has nothing to give. I always acknowledge how I caused this pain but reiterate that I love him and want to R more than anything. He doubts my authenticity because he seems to still think the AP was some true love of mine. How could I want my H when I did that to him. This thought pattern justifies to him his treating me as if I’m not even there.
When I start making plans to separate he backtracks and says he’ll start joining me in counseling but the lack of connection and broken promises continues. I truly do want R but I only want it if it’s authentic. It’s hard for me to feel like he’s ever going to love me again the way I want and need. I’m so confused day to day because he’ll talk to me about our house construction as if I’m his partner and always wants my input on his revenge plans when he’s not lying to me about what he’s doing, but then we have zero other connections. He never makes eye contact with me and he seems quite content that i sleep in the other room. He acts as if he can live like this forever or until the kids are out of the house, and Ive been trying to be patient and endure for the kids sake and to give him time to heal, but it just isn’t happening and I feel like I want to give up. I’m scared of wasting more years of my life just for him to realize he can’t forgive me and then move on himself. I get so confused since I’m the WW I feel so much guilt but I also feel it’s more damaging staying together at this point. He just won’t budge.
I’ve read other BH’s say that they’re wives tried everything for years and it still ended in divorce. I feel so awkward in my own home - everything in it as I look around seems like it won’t be mine soon so I find it impossible to just exist like this. I’ve agreed I will be the one to leave when it comes to that. Prior to the A our issues were lack of connection and he had resentment towards me after our second child was born. He was happy with just 1 child and resented the times I was at work and he had to care for the kids because he felt I was putting my career over the kids. He shut me out and would mostly ignore me or show on his face how angry he was at me. I was confused as I didn’t understand at the time why he was so unhappy with me. I know this is all over the place so any comments or insight are appreciated. I know I’ve left a lot of detail out.
124 comments posted: Saturday, September 4th, 2021