F*ck this whole cheating situation! I just want to punch shit! I’m putting up my Christmas stuff and all I keep thinking about is how blissfully happy I was doing this last year, not knowing that my life would blow up. How f*cking stupid that I cared so much about something that didn’t matter in the grand scheme. That I could do everything I was supposed to do as a wife and a mom and he still followed his dick to the first whore that would open her legs. Gah!!!!
Christmas is my "thing" and it brought me so much joy for so long. Now all I see are the last happy memories that we had before his A, and the part of me that I lost. The naive, happy, optimistic person who thought Christmas was magical. Maybe I’ll get her back one day. But for now, she Is dead…or in a coma or something. I don’t know. Just needed to get that off my chest.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, November 16th, 2021
I just don’t care
Here I am 8 months past dday1 and almost 5 months from dday2 and things are definitely getting better between me and WH. He is putting in the work on his end and has been making huge positive changes. I am feeling better most days (hard days still come, just not as frequently) and I feel like life is starting to return to normal (or a new version of normal).
What I can’t get past right now is that I feel so ambivalent about EVERYTHING!!! Hubby is loving and sweet and romantic and I’m just like "ok cool" my favorite season is coming up (Christmas) and I couldn’t care less about decorating or buying gifts or whatever. I don’t care if my house is clean or the dishes are piled in the sink. I just don’t care.
It’s all so strange to me because I always wanted the romantic stuff from my husband, so a year ago I would have been ELATED. Now, ehhh it’s nice. I have 9 trees that I put up each year and have always been so proud of how our house looks for Christmas and I’m just not feeling it. Is this POLF? Is this normal? How do you break out of this feeling?
ETA: also, I feel guilty as hell for feeling this way. WH is trying so hard and I realize so many people would be so happy with his level of effort. I’m not taking it for granted. I appreciate it, I’m just in a funk.
8 comments posted: Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021
Comforting the WS
Like I said in one of my last posts WH has really started opening up about his emotions (something he has NEVER done before). In this, he is finally feeling the depths of the destruction he has caused. It really feels like he is kind of in the same state I was in right after DDay. Trouble eating, sleeping, he is in a constant state of sadness and disgust with himself for what he did.
He is doing such a good job with reconciliation. He’s doing everything that a BS could want in a situation like this. I just don’t know how to help him through all of this. Part of me wants to be supportive and loving and tell him it’s going to be ok. But the other part of me is happy? that he’s feeling these things. Not that I want him in pain, but seeing how disgusted he is with his choices makes me feel better in a way. I feel like such a jerk for saying that, but I figured that if anyone would understand it would be my internet friends here at SI.
I am finding it hard to balance this. I do like that I’m seeing true remorse from him and that the pain and heartache of the situation isn’t a one way street. But I don’t like how low he is either. He’s said some very concerning things to me lately (doesn’t deserve me, doesn’t deserve to live because of the pain he’s caused) he is having meetings with his IC regularly and this situation is being addressed. I just don’t know how to balance helping him with his emotions when mine are still fresh.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’m going with General. Please move it if it should go somewhere else.
WH and I have always had an amazing sex life. Right before his A, it was incredible. Hell, even during the A it was amazing (I obviously didn’t know the extent of the A, or it wouldn’t have happened). We went through some HB in the beginning of False R (before I knew it was a PA) and that was great, too!
WH experienced some issues with his POS AP, and couldn’t keep it up during their escapades. She even sent him info on ED. This had NEVER happened with us. Never had a problem getting or maintaining an erection with me ever.
Fast forward to June when I find out the extent of his affair, and that they were physical. All of a sudden this issue pops up for us. And now it’s happening a lot. It doesn’t matter who initiates, or how amazing and hot it is, he just can’t keep it going.
He is devastated and feels terrible. I am devastated and scared that the "fun" affair sex has killed my sex life because I’ll never be able to live up to it. He swears that couldn’t be further from the truth and that it has nothing to do with me. I just don’t know what to do.
Has anyone experienced this before? ED caused by the affair? Could it be him manifesting his guilt or something?
12 comments posted: Tuesday, October 12th, 2021
Trying to keep it together with Covid
Covid is running its course through our house. DD started showing symptoms and tested positive on Thursday. WH, developed symptoms on Friday tested positive Saturday and I developed symptoms on Saturday and tested positive on Sunday. What a mess! Luckily, aside from fevers and just not feeling great, the symptoms have been mild.
After feeling a little better in recent weeks, it’s all kind of crashing on me. My mental health is struggling big time. It’s like my brain is swirling with memories of his A and I am drowning in it. WH is doing his best to remain loving and sweet, and is still being transparent with his phone and whatnot. I feel like I can’t bring anything up because everyone is down with covid and it’s not the right time. But I feel like I’m going to lose it!
I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this, but I needed to just get it out or something!
Also, this is me pouting for a minute, but this year has just been absolute shit. My husband cheated on me…TT’d me to death, the AP is a complete psycho, it took WH way too long to “get it” and I got covid on my birthday. F*ck this year!
EDIT: I told him that I’m having a bad mental day and he completely dismissed it. (Which isn’t like him anymore) Got irritated and said “why, you were fine before” I realize he’s a giant baby when he’s sick, but I’m sick too and I’m going through the shit HE brought into our lives on top of being sick.
3 comments posted: Monday, September 27th, 2021
Things WS can’t say anymore
Does anyone else have certain words or phrases that your WS can’t say anymore?
AP used "u" instead of "you" and "r" instead of "are"…as evidenced in the first text i found from her "i love u so much" and the last text i found "where r u" WH started adapting his texting during his A to use those, too. He knows now that if he texts me using those I will not respond!
He also isn’t allowed to tell me that a meeting that he has will run long because it’s "way off scope" as that was a lie he told a few times when he was hooking up with her
I am also not ok with him telling me that he will "always love me" that was his way of giving me the "I love you but I’m not in love with you" when I would ask if he loved me during his A (I know…"pick me dance"…it makes me cringe, too)
I was just curious if anyone else has things like this too?
15 comments posted: Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021
I am STRUGGLING with self care. I have all the time in the world, really. Our weeknights aren't crazy busy, and WH is more than capable and willing to hold it down for me so I can do some things for myself.
The thing is...I don't even really know who the hell I am anymore and what I even like. I have been a shell of myself for pretty much the duration of 2021, and I am getting my footing back now, and I finally feel ready to start doing things again.
I go get my nails done, or take a bath, or take a walk or read or whatever, but aside from those things I'm not sure what to do for self-care. What are some things you all do to take care of yourself? I need ideas lol!
10 comments posted: Thursday, September 16th, 2021
OW posted on FB...I am petty...a vent
Posting this here so I don't make a jerk comment and invite this crazy person back into our life!
I know I shouldn't even look at the OW's FB...but I do look from time to time to make sure she isn't pregnant. I will feel better in December when I will know for sure. But I looked last night and saw that she posted a picture of a water bottle with this caption:
"A water bottle in the supermarket is worth 50 cents approx.
Same bottle in a bar is $ 2.
In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $ 3.
At an airport or on the same plane, up to $ 5 can charge you.
The bottle is the same, the brand too, the only thing that changes is the place.
Each place, gives a different value to the same product.
When you feel zero, you're worthless, when everything around you despises you, change places, don't stay there.
Have the courage to change your airs and go to a place where they give you the courage you deserve and consider you who you are.
Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth.
Don't settle for less
Ok ma'am! When you put yourself in a situation where you are showing that your value is only that of a side piece, what exactly do you expect? You have no morals, you were willing to tear a family apart, your value is NOTHING!!! You feel like zero because you don't value yourself! I, myself, am not water at all...I am the expensive champagne that you get to celebrate with because I am a good person, I am faithful, I have morals, I am forgiving and kind and so many things that she will never be capable of being! She is tap water...free to everyone!
Also, I am a horrible person, but I am glad that she's feeling low...welcome to my life the last 8 months!
66 comments posted: Thursday, September 2nd, 2021
Discovery phase is over...now what?
Question….after the discovery phase is over and you know all you need/want to know about the A. What does the recovery process look like from there?
I feel like discovery is finished for me. The A has been put to bed, so to speak. Most of our conversations about the A are basically about triggers, or memories (mine) of that time and the hurt that ensued from it. He expresses remorse and comforts me any time I need to talk about it. He is tackling comforting my sexual insecurities that have resulted and has currently being very mindful of what I need to feel safe, and has started showing me (by actions) that I am his priority, and fixing our marriage is his number 1 goal. No matter what. Mind movies are ceasing for me, and I can go stretches without thinking about what happened. I had 3 good days in a row last week!
So, basically, I have my timeline, I know all the details I want to know about the A, he is doing the things he needs to be doing to make the marriage feel safe-ish (not sure when/if complete safety will come back) I feel like things are going well right now.
What now, though? What are the next steps? I want to continue to move forward and make progress and hopefully have an even better marriage than before the A. What are some things that helped you continue moving forward, and what are some "benchmarks" that I should be looking for in WH as time goes on?
ETA: WH has been FAR from perfect...but over the last two weeks he seems to have pulled his head out of his ass and has begun to "man up" and take initiative to show me, with actions, that his words are true. He has a long way to go, but this positive progress has been very encouraging.
17 comments posted: Tuesday, August 31st, 2021
How do I stop feeling embarrassed/self-conscious?
I feel like I’m on a roll with posting lately, but everyone’s suggestions have been making a huge difference for me. I feel like I am finally finding my footing and reclaiming some control in this absolute mess of a situation.
My question today is…How do you deal with feeling embarrassed about the A?
WH wasn’t very secretive about his A while it was going on. He goes out and plays a sport recreationally about 1-2 times per week, and he is around the same people week after week. I never went, as I saw this as "his time", and tried to give him space to enjoy it (MISTAKE) This is where he met AP. AP is "known" for being kind of a groupie to this particular group of people, and has slept with and keeps in contact with a lot of them. WH has mentioned that she told him that she was talking to multiple men from this group of people. If she told WH about them, I am SURE she told the others about her relationship with WH.
To me, it is so embarrassing that so many people know. I know this was his choice and this makes him look like a complete douche, but I feel like it also makes me look bad too. Like, here is this dumb woman who had no idea what the hell her husband was doing, she obviously couldn’t keep him happy, so he went off with this woman to fulfill his needs.
He no longer goes to these events by himself, if I can’t go, he doesn’t go. But I just hate all the looks/staring that I get. I feel so self-conscious and embarrassed. We are a little rocky right now, but if ultimately R starts working out, how do I get these thoughts out of my head?
19 comments posted: Tuesday, August 24th, 2021
He's going to a bachelor party
I am struggling really hard today. I has been almost 6 months since DDay 1 (EA), and about 2 months since DDay 3 (PA). WH is doing all the right things, but he is going to a bachelor party this weekend. He is in his cousin’s wedding, and they are renting a house for the weekend at a busy lake nearby that is known for partying. He will be there with his dad, but my fear is completely taking over.
He says he will do whatever I need, so I can feel comfortable, but I don’t even know what to ask for. I have access to the phone records and he has Find my iphone turned on. He says he will check in with me, which seems like all he can do. Is there anything that I am missing…do any of you have suggestions of things he could possibly do to give more reassurance that everything is ok?
91 comments posted: Tuesday, August 17th, 2021
Should I indulge?
So, AP is a psychopath. She has constantly called/text/emailed since WH went NC in March. Aside from changing our phone numbers (which we are looking into) there is nothing we can do to stop her. She uses texting apps and changes her email constantly to get around the blocks we have had in place.
She text me the other day and told me to ask WH about the burner phone (I already knew about it) she was mad because after the last text she sent him asking for the phone, we responded together and said that it was in the trash and for her to leave him alone. This time, we decided to respond to her again and tell her to stop harassing us or we would take legal action against her. Well, that just set her off! She started texting incessantly about how big of a POS WH is (good, I hope you hate him!) and how she has screenshots of all of the messages that they sent back and forth. We never responded and blocked that number.
My dilemma is that I never got to see any of the messages that they sent...he had already deleted them by the time I found everything out. I would say our R is going as well as it could be...he is putting in the effort, IC, reading all the books and going out of his way to make sure that I am ok (especially when triggered) and is showing love constantly.
I know that the messages will probably crush me, but I can't help but wonder what they say. Is it worth it?
11 comments posted: Monday, August 16th, 2021
He's doing everything right...mostly
Hello...I have been lurking on here for a few weeks, but this is my first time posting.
My story in a nutshell is WH and I have been together since HS. We have had a very happy life...until the beginning of this year. He met a woman and what started as an EA quickly turned into a PA. I caught him mid-february. He promised to stop, then the affair carried on for at least another month.
Initially I was told she was only a friend, but things didn't make sense to me, so I kept pushing and he eventually told me that they had sex 5 times.
Aside from the obvious TT, he has been amazing. He turned on Find my iphone, constantly communicates what he's doing and where he's going, all electronics/accounts are open for me to look at whenever I want, lets me vent, comforts me when I'm triggered/sad, takes ownership, shows remorse, and has made a lot of changes in how he treats me. He is way more loving than ever. He makes it obvious that this was 100% him and it really had nothing to do with me.
The only thing he really hasn't done is give me a timeline...he swears he doesn't remember. I don't know if knowing the dates will actually help me or if it will just be added dates to remember the bad stuff.
I feel guilty because aside from that one thing, he really is doing everything he can to help me recover. Am I putting a bigger emphasis on this than I should?
ETA: What are the chances that he actually doesn't remember and isn't just "forgetting" to "protect" me?
[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Friday)]
21 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021