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p12241342

Where should I really be three years later ?

Well its been a while since I last posted anything on here.

I continue to browse. I just haven’t felt the need to post. Things have calmed down over the past year or so and my wife and I were really making a go of things. Things were good. However, I feel like I have been struggling more and more just in the past couple of months.

At the end of May I will be coming up to 3 years since my WW broke my heart and destroyed our family as we once knew it. We decided to stay together and work on our marriage and rebuild of family. It’s been hard and still is as many of you are all too familiar. But things have started to feel different.

For the first couple of years things were up and down. But it felt like she was really trying even though I made it hard for her with the daily questions and paranoia but she made me see daily that she was sorry and we can do this. But still I have been hurt, I feel broken and very uncertain about the future…

Over the past couple of years my wife has been there for me. She would make me see that we can do this and she does love me. She did little things that she no longer does. It’s the little things that go a long way and really matter. Now over time the actions have slowed and the words feel fake.

It now feels like the act is slipping. People can’t keep up and act for ever. They get tired. That’s unless they really mean what they are saying. We have moved on from the constant talk of the affair that we were up against in the early days to now talking about wanting to feel loved, wanted and valued. I want to feel she is attracted to me and wants me just as much as I want her. She says she does, but it feels like words. It feels fake.

All I want is to feel safe and I don’t.

She says she loves me, she wants this and she is going now where. But she has also said that she is unhappy and that she is miserable at times. She says words like, she isn’t unhappy with us but is un happy with the situation. She hates it! She asks me why I’m like this? Why I can’t just be happy and get on with our lives.

I’m trying so hard but I still get triggered. I’m still taken back to them dark days and I miss the person I once knew and loved with all my heart. All my wife wants is for me to never mention this again. She will talk, she will listen. But it doesn’t take much for her to get on the defensive.

It feels like our marriage is falling back into a rut. A rut that probably is what caused my wife to cheat in the first place. I have tried to tell her how I feel. I have said we need to spend time together, date, have fun. She agrees. Then we do nothing to fix it.

Whenever I try and talk to her, whether that’s about the affair or how unwanted I feel she will just fireback with words like why are you saying that? Or that I need to stop saying that!

Did anyone else go through this?

In my head I know she had the affair. We decided to fix our relationship. I have proven my love by staying after her doing the worst thing possible to me. I prove my love every day. Not because I have to. Not because of the kids or because it’s difficult to separate our lives. But because I love her with all my heart and I want her just as much now as I always have.

So if she is sorry, if she does love me and wants to fix this, shouldn’t she be willing to do whatever it takes no matter how long it takes or how hard this is. She shouldn’t be using works like she is sick of this and sick of me saying that. She shouldn’t be threatening to leave me or telling me how I feel or what I should or shouldn't be saying.

I understand if thats how she really feels, then she has every right to leave. But she doesn't have a right to say these when we argue and then the opposite when things calm down and we are fine. She either means them or she doesn't.

I’m looking for some advice. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want her to leave. But I would like to hear if you also felt this around three years into reconciliation.

16 comments posted: Tuesday, February 13th, 2024

Did you feel conflicted and insecure at 2 years post D-Day

Hello

As I’m sure many of you are aware of my situation and I’m back for some advice.

It’s been nearly 27 months post D-Day and things are OK. A big emphasis on "OK"

Things feel strange.. I really can’t explain it… Some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes things can be ok for a few weeks and then it sort of goes flat again. This is from my side. She seems to try to deal with the ups and downs as goos as she can.

I am aware of the Plain of Lethal Flatness, but I have been there before and it feels different to that

The reason for me posting was to see if anyone else felt or feels like I do right now? Does it pass? I know everyone is different but I feel sort of stuck right now. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want here to leave me. But I feel like I'm stuck. No matter which way I turn I feel stuck. I still find it extremely difficult trying to move past what happened. But it feels like I’m in a depressive state at the moment.

After just over two years I feel deflated and possibly bored. I really don’t want to use the word bored. But I keep thinking maybe that’s what it is, I’m bored…..

I love my wife. But in some ways I can’t get past what happened. I try so hard. She continues to try. She has said we will get there and we will get through this. But I wake up some days and I feel flat. My security has gone. But by the time the evening comes I’m tired. It feels like the night is better than the day. I feel paranoia too… Mostly in the day when I’m away from her.

My question is… Is this normal. Did you feel this way and if so, for how long? When does it go away. It’s the depression and the paranoia that is hard. I just want to feel secure.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, August 9th, 2023

Have I self-destructed and wrecked my own marriage.

I’m struggling.

You guys have helped me so many times over the past couple of years and I’m extremely grateful.

I’m about to enter a period of "this time two years ago". I remember feeling the same when it happened last year, when I entered the "this time last year" period. But this year it feels different. Shouldn’t this be getting easier by now? If I’m honest, things have got better. But the sting is still there. The thoughts and feelings are still present. But I manage them better.

But things have changed. Am I mad? Has it really changed or am I looking at things differently? Am I asking for too much? Am I wanting too much to fast? I have I self-destructed and wrecked any sort of chance of fixing my marriage.

I keep thinking, I didn’t cause this. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t want to be here. Just like many of you I hate where I have ended up.

I still don’t believe that I have the full story from my wife. I still believe that the truth is the version that I believe. Not what she wants me to believe. But I won’t bore you, as you have heard me drone on about this to many times in the past.

But what I would like to ask is, did your WH or WW change 2 years into the process? Where you still arguing? Did you want more than they were able to give? Or was it a case of no matter how hard they tried, it may still not be enough. It may never be enough.

My wife really tries to help me through this. She will check in on me daily. She will say she loves me multiple times per day. She is always where she says she is and she is loving and caring. BUT…. When we argue and the affair is brought up, which it still is, at times. May be once every 3 weeks or so things turn nasty.

In the middle of a bad argument, she at times threatens me and says that she will leave as I clearly can’t get over this or maybe I should leave. She has said that I need to get over it. It happened a long time ago and that I’m acting like a child. She says I’m selfish and only think about myself.

But then when the argument has blown over and we are talking civil, she will say she is sorry and she didn’t mean it. She said that she gets angry too. But she doesn’t mean what she says.

Did you have these issues? I suppose in my head, because she cheated, maybe I think that I can say whatever I want and she has to take it. She should take it because she cheated. Bare in mind I’m not being nasty in the way of name calling, but more in the way of stating facts. I shouldn’t keep bring these things up every time things get hard, but as I said at the start, I’m struggling. Still even now.

Did you wayward continue to do everything they could to make you heal or was there times when they would retaliate and not be the perfect wayward that you wish and believed they should now be. Because I suppose at the end of the day just because she cheated doesn’t mean she won’t get angry

May be the problem is now me. May be I'm not letting us heal.

I just don't know whats real anymore. Is she genuine? May be she is. But may be im the one thats in the end will be the one that destroys what we had.

26 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future

I’m coming up to 22 months post DDay next month. Next month will be hard as this is when my wife’s affair started.

She is putting in the work and we are still working at fixing our marriage. But I feel that maybe I should be in a better place by now.

Her affair is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I hate the way it makes me feel.

There are times when I see here laughing with my daughter, just getting on with life. Why does she get to sing and dance and have fun while I’m left in the dark black hole. It feels like so much of my life has changed since the affair 2 years ago. It feels like my life is falling apart. I’m losing my mum as she is in the last stages of dementia. My daughter is about to leave home and move away to university and my marriage is badly broken. My life use to be so simple and feel like I had everything. Now I feel like I’m losing what was my life. It’s not what it used to be.

My wife shows me love every day. She apologises. But sometimes it feels like it’s not enough. Her AP now has a new partner, but how do I know she doesn’t still hold something for him. She isn’t thinking about him and what they use to had.

I know that I will never know that she wont do it again. But that doesn't stop me hoping that as some point I will get some feeling that I know she has learnt by her mistake and wont hurt me again.

I just don't know how to get through the next few months. I remember these feelings last year at the 1 year mark, but I just see year two as being different.

The feelings have to start to fade and get slightly better at some point don't they?

It’s not the past that scares me now. It’s the future

6 comments posted: Friday, February 17th, 2023

Is there a difference between the words and meaning "I love you" & "Love you"?

We may be splitting hairs here, but my WW and I are splitting hairs over what what was said and what it means.

She says the affair partner text her and said "Love you" and she says, she text back and said "you too". She said it was only said once and has been taken out of context and wasn't meant like that.

Does love you and I love you mean the same thing? Could that be taken out of context?

I don't know if I believe it was only said once but then i think the affair only went on for two months.

30 comments posted: Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Where were you at 18 months post DDay?

Im approaching 18 months post DDay on the 22nd November.

Who would have thought, we would have made it 18 months. At the time, it felt like our world together was ending and it did in a way. But fast forward 18 months and we are still together.

Are we good? Lets say we are OK (at times)

Have I had the truth? Lets say I believe not. But is that because her truth doesn't match what I believe happened in my head. So no matter whats said, I see as a lie.

Am I happy? Lets say things are different.

How did you feel at 18 months post Dday? What were your feelings? Were you still having second thoughts? Was you WW doing all the right things or did you feel they could still do more.

To me it feels like something is missing. It feels like no matter what I do it will never give here the feeling that she had in the affair. I just feel that we are not enough anymore and something big is missing.

I know everyone is different. But it would be good to compare my feelings to others at the same stage in the process.

I cant help feeling that I should be feeling different to how I'm feeling right now.

26 comments posted: Thursday, November 17th, 2022

16 months past DDay and now its Flatlined

Hello Once again.

I seem to be struggling over the past few weeks and things don't seem to be getting any better. In fact they seem to be going a bit flat.

I have been trying to move past my wifes 8 week affair for the past 16 months. When things are good, they are ok. When things are bad they are bad.

As I'm sure, so many of you are aware. Its so, so hard, and I see why a lot of people just can't do it.

Things are good in the bedroom. My wifes always checks in to see how I am throughout the day. She always says she loves me, she always comes and gives me a cuddle and she can tell when I'm down. But its just not enough.

She sees me as being very critical over everything she does. She sees that even though i know she is doing everything is criticise what she is doing because it just doesn't cut for me.

I will say things such as her texts saying she loves me seems like a routine and just words. I will say sex is just routine to try and keep me happy. I will say she doesn't want me the way she wanted her AP. This could and probably is all just in my head and possibly is just me being jealous. But its causing problems.

I asked her to read one of the articles from the healing Library and how a Betrayed spouse feels and what they need to do. She said she gets it and feels my pain.

However, I still don't feel I'm getting the truth. Some of the things she says just seems impossible to be true. She keeps saying the affair was a mistake and she hates it and what she has done. But she cant explain how she was able to go out and meet her AP every night. I know this is something she needs to work on with a IC. But while I'm not getting the answers I'm not allowing us to move on.

At what stage do I just give up trying to get my version of the truth? Because my IC said that I have a version of events in my head. Now because her story doesn't match with what happened I'm saying its lies and i don't believe her.

How do I know whats the truth and what is my head playing games with me. After all I have been hurt, I'm suffering a trauma. Whats real and whats not?

While I'm trying to get things clear in my head I think I'm pushing her away.

When we argue in a big way, she will say tings such as she is done and she means it. She cant do this anymore. She will say she is going to go and tell her parents what she has done as we cant live like this.

Most of the time we are fine and we get through the days. But times she will say the above.

Then when we are fine she says that she gets angry too. Its frustrating as I'm not accepting her version of the truth. But I have a feeling in my gut that its just a story to protect me and our relationship.

After last nights arguing and saying she has had enough we did eventually make up. But this morning she texted me and said that she loves me so so much. I text back and said I love her to but this is making me ill. She said she can see that and she thinks I shouldn't be with her any more because I don't believe the things she says and I look at her differently.

Im confused. Because I read some much on her that the wayward spouse will do what ever they cant to fix things. My wife does do that. But at times its like she is threatening to leave me with out saying the words. Its like she wants to leave but doesn't have the guts. But when things are good, i can see she loves me. I really can.

Im confused, I'm tired and I'm heart broken. I don't know how much more I can take.

She says one minute we will get through this together and we will be ok and the next she is telling me she cant do this and thinks i shouldn't be with her because of what she has done and that she has been cruel.

I understand that if she is telling the truth it must be frustrating.

I understand that there will be the POLF. I am going through that at the moment. Im also feeling that im not good enough or what my wifes wants.

But is this normal behaviour from a WS thats wanting to fix the damage they caused?

Please note that my wife is doing everything she can and i really do mean everything but for me at the moment its just not enough

48 comments posted: Saturday, September 10th, 2022

14 months into reconciliation. If thats what you can call it

Well 14 months into reconciliation, if thats what you can call it.

I don't know if we can do this anymore.... Its so hard....

It feels like we have gone backwards.

My WW is doing everything on the surface to make things good. She has been nothing but consistent.

But its like she is willing to talk about my pain. She is willing to listen, but when I start to drill down into the feelings, the whys, the how's and so on. She changes.

She says I have the truth and all my answers. If you have read my previous posts you will see my story. But I think thats the version she wants to me believe. I 100% think she is trying to rug sweep.

She says, how the affair meant nothing to her and neither did her AP. But she keeps telling me that I know how she felt. She will says there were no feelings and she didn't want him. But she did enjoy time with the AP. The AP made her happy, they had fun and a laugh and she looked forward to seeing him every day.

Am I looking to much into this now. It happened 14 months ago? She has gone NC. She is showing me that she wants us and wants me. Should I be letter it go.

Im stuck with the thoughts about, how she felt about another man while with me. I cant get that out my head. Its worse than the thought of them having sex.

I dont get how she can turn off her feelings. Because when i look at her i see it in her eyes. Its like when i talk about their time together her eyes fill up. Maybe thats me being paranoid, I just dont know.

I keep thinking, she wants him, but is stuck with me. Im standing in her way of being happy with some one she really wants.

Because lets face it. If she had to chose between an exciting affair leaving the problems at home or she has the stress of reconciliation. Which one sound more appealing.

Over the past couple of months or so when we have argued badly, she will say that she is tired. She cant do this anymore. She says that I'm horrible to her at times and say nasty things. She says im wrapped up in my self to see how she is feeling. She says I don't see how this has affected her and that she hates what she has done to me and her family. She says she knows she has done wrong, but I cant expect her to sit there and take it. We have to move on and make a better life.

She says that I need to be careful, because just like I could leave at anytime, so can she. She keeps warning me that one day I might be on my own because she cant do this for ever. She says she wants me, she loves me but this has to stop. She doesn't want him she wants me and us.

Today, she is giving me the cold shoulder. She is the one that told me that she enjoyed spending time with the AP and looked forward to seeing him every day and its me thats getting the cold shoulder from her.

She just keeps saying I talk horrible to her at times. Which I admit I have done, but only in really bad arguments, which happen once every few months.

All I keep thinking now is that she is thinking about her affair in such a positive way. She says she is not and I'm not listening. She doesn't look back and think positive about the affair, she hates it. But she is telling me how it felt at the time. She keeps saying that was then and this is now.

Is that right? Should I be looking at it that way.

Im lost, I feel a bit trapped. Not because i want to leave. but just because no matter which way i turn I'm haunted by a man i have never met.

Why is she telling me how she felt at the time of the affair if she says she hates the affair looking back and what she has done

27 comments posted: Saturday, August 6th, 2022

The cheating wayward just has to sit and wait. For them it will all be ok in the end - whatever the outcome

How is it fair?

How do you deal with the fact that the wayward spouse gets to have all the fun, the sex and the excitement.

They take the chance, take up the opportunity and then when the shit hits the fan, all they have to do is sit tight and wait. Say the right things and hope that they don't loose their life. the life that they were willing to put on the line and gamble for a bit of excitement with someone new.

They just have to wait for the betrayed spouse to get over the pain. Even if thats a year, 2 years, 3 years or whatever, they just sit tight and wait.

Because if you do manage to reconcile surely its all been worth it. They managed to get their cake and eat it. They had the sex and they managed to keep hold of their life. Its win, win for them and a massive lose for the betrayed.

But the betrayed life has been changed for ever. We will always have the scares, while they have the nice memories. No matter what they try and say.

Whether we stay in the betrayed relationship or move on. We will always carry around the burden of the waywards affair.

I asked my wife the exact same questions. She come out with some crap about, how she has to live with herself every single day knowing what she has done. I don't buy it.!!!

If you are a wayward and can convince me other wise. Please go ahead.

47 comments posted: Sunday, July 10th, 2022

Reconciliation - But feel so distant

Hey Everyone

Me again....

I thought I would post as I need some support from people that have been there and lived what I'm going through right now.

We have been in reconciliation for a while now and I must say things are hard. But we are still together fighting and when things are good they are really good but when things are bad they can be really bad.

Everyone on here has always been so supportive and its one of them times, when I just need a virtual hug and to be told that I can do this.

Is it normal to feel disconnected at 13 months post DDay.....

I cant really explain how I'm feeling. But my Wife is doing everything she can. She is always giving me hugs, kisses texting to see if I'm ok and saying how much she loves me. She has been consistent with that for the whole 13 months and still is.

So why do I feel so distant?

I know I love her. But it feels like our relationship is very flat since her affair.
Its like the whole relationship is no longer as sharp but is now fuzzy around the edges and doesn't feel the same.

I feel very needy. It feels like I want her to be around me all the time and I want to hear from her on text when she isn't.

About 6 months after DDay she would have a way of making me feel good and better on days I was down. She would text and say how much she loved me and it felt like I felt it in my stomach. It would lift me up on the darkest days. She still does that to this day. But it feels different. It doesn't really lift me up anymore when i read that she loves me so much or what ever else. I just look at it and read it but its just words.

Why does it feel like that. Has anyone else felt like this?

I spend time with her but it feels like something is missing. I suppose if I'm 100% honest I cant accept that may be she want us and not the life with her AP.

If you have read my previous posts you will see that I struggle with the fact I think she had feelings for him and possibly still does. She swears this isn't true and over her 2 month affair he just made her feel good, they had fun and they had a laugh.

Sometimes I think she is here because of our kids. Even though if I stand outside the situation she does everything she can to try and fix us. She really, really does. There have been times when I have pushed her away and she still stays. There have been times when we have screamed at each other and called each other names, things have got really bad but she hasn't left. She could have and so could i. But we are both still here.

If I'm honest I just cant accept what she did. Im trying, I really am. But I just cant see how she could do it to me. She keeps saying, she is sorry and she knows she has done wrong but it happened and she cant change that no mater how much she wants to. She is right but its still hard to hear.

If I was standing outside the box and looking at the situation from the outside I would be saying my wife is genuine and really does want to fix everything and she truly is sorry.

But why do I feel I'm going to get hurt again and there is still unfinished business between her and her affair partner.

Is this how everyone feels at 1 year out?

19 comments posted: Thursday, June 30th, 2022

Saying one thing and then another still a year post Dday

Hello Again

Im looking for some advice...

My wife and I were talking on Friday evening and a few things were said.

These were her words.

"I don't need to go through the questions with an IC as I already know the answers to the questions, I just don't know how to tell you".

So I asked what she meant by that. She got teary eyed and i said you did have feelings for him didn't you. She looked away, I could tell she wanted to admit it to get it off her chest. I said you don't want to lie to me anymore do you just be honest. I said you did didn't you and she nodded.

I then said you wanted to be with him to. She said don't do this. I said look in my eyes, she couldn't and asked me to hold her. I did and then said you wanted him didn't you and she said yes.

Then within minutes she changed again.

She then said. It wasn't feelings that she had for him. She keeps saying you know how I felt.

"He mad me feel good"
"We had a laugh"
"we had fun"
"He made me feel wanted"

She keeps saying the affair was meaningless and should never have happened. But from she has said about how he made her feel thats not meaningless.

She does everything she can to try and help me heal. But i don't think she is giving me the truth. Its clear she isn't giving me the truth.

I don't know what i can do.

On one hand she is telling me the affair is a mistake and should never have happened. It was horrible looking back and doesn't look at it as being positive in any way. She hates herself and the AP for what they have both done and wishes she could turn back the clock but she cant.

But if thats true why is she still looking at the positives about how she felt at the time of the affair. Why isn't she riddled with guilt?

She could leave me at any time. She could have gone anytime in the past year. She still could as we have had some hard times in R over the past year. But she is still here. Telling me she loves me. Telling me we will get through this and that its me she wants to be with.

But why is she tearing up when I mentioned the feelings. Is it shame, is it that she doesn't want to hurt me or is it she is missing him.

Feelings don't just come and go. She must still feel something and she must miss him.

But at Dday she told me when she was drunk. She then the next day said she would end it with the AP if thats what I wanted her to do. But she has always been honest and said there was no plans on ending it but it wouldn't have gone on for ever.

Its like she is honest about somethings and not about others.

Because i have been told one thing and then another so many times and it keeps happening i cant not heal. I cant even start because i cant trust what she is saying. Im second guessing.

She is doing everything for our marriage but she isn't giving me the truth and she isnt being fair to me as a person

28 comments posted: Thursday, June 16th, 2022

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