Consistently triggered and enraged about AP

I’m about 1.5 years into R and my WW has been what you would call a model WS. She’s done everything you could really ask for and it’s helped me recover. My anger and pain these days are primarily focused on the AP.

The AP is 45 so he’s about 15 years older than my WW and he was in sales and as you can imagine he was quite good at manipulating my WW. Unlike a lot of AP’s that are cheating on their partner, this man was already divorced and has a fiancé after a badly failed marriage he previously had years ago (not from cheating).

He thinks of this like a game. Women are objects. Can I make them orgasm, squirt etc. he had multiple women at a time (I know from WW). He was fucking multiple married women without a care.

Why am I constantly angered? My WW was in a really hard place in life and he knew it. He knew she was fresh bait and wanted to manipulate her to keep cheating (she took responsibility for her end of this). I also cannot do anything. He knows where my WW works bc she stupidly left a folder from her company in her car and he saw.

He told her that if me or her told his fiancé about this he’d email her board of directors (she reports to them) whose contact info is listed on the company website and ruin her career. I also know his address bc his stupid ass wanted her to go there instead of a hotel at first (which she says she absolutely did not do and I believe her).

So I’m stuck. I can’t do anything and I constantly get so angry. I literally want to go to this man’s house and beat the hell out of him.

I’m a peaceful person by nature but honestly I’ve tried using this anger at the gym but that’s only helped a little. I guess I’m just stuck and struggling and really need advice.

42 comments posted: Monday, December 5th, 2022

For those who reconciled…when did you know?

For those of you who have successfully recovered and reconciled. When did you know you reached that point?

I guess this is a three part question bc 3 things are needed for this.

When did you know you forgave them?
When did you know you were reconciled?
When did you know that you were healed and recovered?

Was it a day you just woke up and knew? An action? Something your WS did to prove themselves?

18 comments posted: Monday, August 8th, 2022

A lesson on forgiveness

Something powerful happened in my family recently and I hope it helps the BS here.

My uncle Rod was the oldest of 5. My mother was 2nd oldest. Rod had to be first in everything. Married first, kids first, graduated first etc. His ego was huge.
Back in the early 90’s my grandparents went to visit him in his home in Lincoln, Nebraska. Idk why this happened as I wasn’t there, but a disagreement occurred and my uncle slugged my grandpa in the face and told him to get out of his house. My family immediately hated him. "Let him rot in hell!" He’s a piece of shit! It’s been that way ever since I can remember.

I didn’t see my 2 cousins from their side from that point on except for 2 times: my grandpa’s funeral in 2008 and my grandma’s 3 months ago.

After going through my grandparents items to divvy out to family, they noticed a locked box that was not labeled. Nobody had seen it before so everyone was curious what it was. They opened it and saw something that made all of my aunts cry: it was over 200 letters. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. All of them sent by my grandparents to my uncle Rod and never opened. They were all labeled "return to sender".

My grandparents forgave him after a couple years and tried to reconcile but he never forgave them after 30 years. 30 years of being angry, bitter, letting the past rule your life.

My message here, and one I saw, was that if you are a BS you need to at some point let go and truly forgive. Let the pst stay where it belongs and look ahead to a bright future. Don’t waste your life being upset or fearful of someone else betraying you. That’s no way to live.

I know this is hard to hear, but if you can’t do that then please divorce. For you and them. And that’s okay if that’s your path. If a WS is truly repentant and begs for forgiveness and improves themself, then at some point life has to go on. It’s not fair to them or you to hang this over their head until you die. It’s not a good way to live.

I hope this can help those in the same positionI am in. All I can say is that this truly has helped me see how powerful forgiveness really is.

14 comments posted: Wednesday, February 9th, 2022

How do you get trust back?

Reading a lot of happy R stories and they are beautiful but I’m wondering one major question:

How do you get trust back?

Understandably you won’t ever have the blind trust and faith in your spouse anymore but some level of trust can come back right?

The lies and deceit the waywardness produce during their affair totally ruin trust. So how do you move forward with your spouse without going nuts wondering if they are breaking your trust?

I’m sure this is especially tough for eastwards that had long term affairs.

We all know trust is the biggest piece to R and getting it back is questionable. Please give me your tips for those who R’d and feel they trust their fWS again.

Thanks

15 comments posted: Monday, October 25th, 2021

7 weeks since D Day and I’m struggling

Hello I’m new here. This is my story.

Let me preface this with she took a medicine for migraines called topomax. She needs help losing weight and got it as a prescription in April. It took a month or so but the side effects were interesting. Her libido was average before but a side effect of this medicine has been a skyrocket in libido. Like she’s a 15 year old teenager. That was apparent weeks before this happened and I wonder if it played a part.

My wife 30 told me on July 3 that she cheated on me. She created an Ashley Madison profiled but didn’t think she would actually talk to someone at first. Got 200 gross messages and then one guy changed her mind. She first talked with him on June 29 and had sex that Friday in a hotel 3 days later. That’s how fast it went.

Anyway, the story starts with her getting shit faced a few hours after meeting him in that hotel. It was that night at a work outing. I picked her up and thought it was work related bc she had a very stressful week, but she never gets shit faced.

She told me the next night after our 2 boys went to bed, so she admitted it immediately at the next opportune moment. I fell into complete shock. She told me she thought she could live a double life but was absolutely wrong and felt sick to her stomach. She messaged him on kik the entire week all day during work hours. Unfortunately when you delete the app your messages delete so I never saw any messages.

She told me everything was done and she would not talk to him.

Fast forward to July 21. She has a huge panic attack the night before and is inconsolable that night. Saying she is so sorry and has always loved me. I thought it was guilt from this. Unfortunately she was addicted and met him 2 more times. Once in his truck to talk and one more time to have sex. She said she was going to continue talking to him but she still loves me.

I go from shock to immediate unfiltered anger. I get my shit and leave (her parents live with us). I’m gone for 2 days and she has a meltdown. She had a rough childhood and was forced into an abortion at 18 (well before me). She says she might commit suicide bc she can’t believe she did this and fell into an addiction. She was sucidal after the abortion 12 years ago and felt the same way after this.

This guy was terrible at hiding his identity. My wife easily found him out and told me. So on July 22nd I sent a fb message to his wife telling her everything. I took control and ended this myself. Mainly bc I thought she could fall in love with him and they planned to meet weekly. The guy is pissed bc he’s caught and my wife is freaking out, but I have control. I don’t care bc f*ck him.

My wife spiraled out of control and is so shocked. She’s incredibly sad and can’t believe she did this to me. " I can’t believe I did this" she kept saying over and over and over all night as she is frozen and her eyes look lifeless.

After that she gave me complete control. I’ve got the kik account and can see everything on that messenger at any time. She tells me that she feels like such a piece of shit and shows more remorse and sadness than what I’ve ever seen from her.

She told me she always loved me and didn’t want to leave me. That’s not why she did this. She also says she will do literally anything to fix this and never do it ever again. Literally anything.

Here’s my update being 1 month out from ending that:

-she gave up phone access, started sharing location, sends me pics/videos of work when she travels (locally). Complete transparency

-we’ve been to 4 counseling sessions together so far. Her first individual is in 2 weeks and my first individual is tomorrow

-she has done everything I’ve asked. Gave details, tells me my words of affirmation every day etc

-she has scheduled a dr aptmt to get off topomax and try something else. Also said she would not take anything if that helps bc her focus should be on our marriage.

-got tested for STD’s

She did have feelings for the AP for 3 weeks after it ended but she’s been over him for just over a week now. That was horrible but I’m glad it’s done.

She told me it was a lot of things into one. Her parents living with us (they were not good parents and she has bad memories), stress from her job, possibly this medicine libido surge and bad thoughts, her abortion, her being used by men at a young age which made her want attention. Oh and yes I made mistakes too. I didn’t treat her as well as I thought I did. Also please note this is NOT an excuse and she says it isn’t. She takes full ownership for cheating. That’s an admission from me, not her.

Right now I’m stuck. We’re Christians and have met with a pastor, community group leaders and are meeting with a couple that went through this exact thing and reconciled!

It’s very early and I’m walking through hell, but I’m thankful this wasn’t a long term thing (I confirmed that with AP through his wife), she told the truth about it and she immediately confessed/showed extreme remorse.

I do still love her but I’m in the highs and lows of this. I get emotional every day and cry. Sometimes I just want to leave, most times I want to stay bc she we love each other and she has shown she is all in on fixing this.

It’s a really hard time in life but I truly believe we can reconcile.

Wish us luck

26 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021