Delving into the foggy WS mindset
So I have been reading a lot of what makes up the WS behavior (especially leading up to the affair fog) in an attempt to understand why my xWF behaved the way she did, and how she went from my sweet and loving girl to... a cold and uncaring person. Maybe this can lead to discussions to help understand and explore how someone can turn to wayward-dom. I welcome any feedback or corrections on anything I have gotten wrong.
This is my interpretation of how a WS would think during A and fog.
So as far as I know, pre-A starts with the destruction of BS in your head.
Afterall, you cannot betray someone you hold on a pedestal.
So you start with something missing in the M, or something that your BS can provide to make you happy.
From what I can gather, most foggy WS behaviors are conflict/pain avoidant in nature. So instead of talking to the BS, you avoid the conflict by not talking. Maybe you talk a bit but to minimal success.
End result is you're in pain, caused by your BS not giving you what you want.
So you look at the situation, "if BS not giving me what I want is hurting me, and BS is still doing it, then maybe BS doesn't love me."
This is where smaller stuff your BS wrong or poorly is used to reinforce that your BS doesn't love you.
Once you're convinced that your BS doesn't love or care about you, they don't even need to do anything. Your brain will simply make up stuff to be upset about.
And if your BS doesn't care about you, why should you care about your BS?
So why do this? Because you want something from your BS or M, but you can't get it. Since you are the good guy/gal, your BS who won't give you what you want must be the bad guy.
Sliding into A:
Here comes AP. Initially they're just a friend, colleague, ex, etc.
They listen to you vent about your BS or M. They give you attention and praise.
All these positive attention feels good, great even. They feed your ego.
Finally someone who understands you, unlike your BS.
As you find new reasons BS doesn't care about you, who do you vent to? The person who understands you of course!
A bond is made.
You may feel something is not right here. But you brush it aside and make excuses.
I mean, you're a good person and AP is just a friend who listens.
The truth that you push down here is that if you were to stop with AP, then they would stop feeding you praise and stroke your ego. And you don't want that now do you?
Before you know it the bond grows stronger (just like the start of a new relationship), and the AP falls in love with you or vice versa.
You keep pushing boundaries because it feels so good with the AP. You feel so right. They get you like no-one else. Maybe the AP is your soulmate?
What about the BS? Why think about the BS? Think about them takes away your love fantasy with the AP.
It won't hurt the BS if they never find out right?
At this point you're already deep in EA.
Maybe one of you push for PA.
You know it's wrong to have a PA. But you're in love. And you've already pushed the boundaries so much that it might as well not exist.
So you plan for the PA. Of course you need plans. What if BS asks? What will you say? You don't want to hurt the BS right?
The deed is done.
You go home for the first time after PA, and feel TERRIBLE and scared.
You convince yourself that you're in too deep now to back away now.
Oh and the BS can never find out, otherwise your M is over. You'll protect the M by keeping this a secret.
Say it's valentines day.
Obviously you need to spend it with your BS. Do your usual valentines day routine.
But you feel bad the AP is lonely on valentines day. You should send the AP something too, maybe an "I love you"?
Well how can you love your BS and AP at the same time?
How about when you're with BS, you have your love for your BS here. And when you text AP you have your love for your AP there.
Do you love your BS? Of course you do. Look here to see how much I love you!
Do you love your AP? Of course you do. Look there to see how sorry you are you couldn't spend V-day with them!
Separate your love for BS and AP into neat little compartments. That way you can keep your genuine emotions for whoever needs it.
And remember, the compartments MUST BE SEPARATED. BS love is for BS. AP love is for AP. No mixing emotions.
post D-day and fog:
So the BS found out about the A and AP.
You feel TERRIBLE. You know what you did is wrong.
You apologize profusely.
You look at how hurt the BS is. You never meant to hurt your BS. BS never should have found out. That way they wouldn't be hurt in the first place.
But BS did find out, and is lashing out at you. You feel you deserve this. This is your punishment.
BS asks for the truth. Look how hurt BS is right now with what little they know. BS can't possibly handle more of the hurtful truth.
So you tell just a little, and watch the BS wince in pain. See? You were right.
BS demands the full truth. No way. There are truths that will DEFINITELY cause BS to D you if BS ever found out. These are things that you'll take to the grave.
You think to yourself, "BS already knows the major pieces like PA, the details won't be as important."
BS asks you to drop the AP. Fine BS, you'll break up with the AP. You won the war for me BS, are you happy now?
BS wants you to go NC with the AP. Uh that's too harsh. AP is also human and is really hurt by all this. Maybe you can stay friends or let him down gently. You are so kind.
Deep down you may still love the AP as well.
33 comments posted: Sunday, January 16th, 2022
BS and feeling of safety
This has been on my mind recently. Just a bit of background I am 3 months post D-day and am not in R. Me and my ex-fiancee were not married so there was no D and it was a very clean break (no kids, no finances, etc). Recently I've been having trouble feeling safe. No trigger or anything, I just feel on edge at times randomly. The way I tried to described it to a friend is that when I should have felt the safest in my relationship I was proven wrong, that I should not feel safe there. So if I could not feel safe at my most relaxed state, I would have trouble feeling safe anywhere. I could feel this especially in the holidays. Just wondering if others have felt this and if so is there anything you did to help you get past this? I have a feeling it'll take T.I.M.E... Anyways thanks for indulging me
7 comments posted: Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Found out Fiancee of 6 years was cheating one week before the wedding....
Hi SI. I read these horror stories but never thought I'd be one to experience mine. Sorry for the long post.
A kind Redditor actually showed me this website. I can post my reddit posts as the situation unfolded if you guys want for more context.
So it's been 3 weeks and I honestly have no idea how to feel. My fiancee and I have been together for 6 years. I love her dearly, and she loved me dearly too. We've had our ups and downs but I would do anything for this girl. I just wanted to see her be happy. I was happy to take care of her for the rest of our lives together. We had one year where we were long distant, which was really hard on the both of us. Needless to say I was happy when we closed the distance and began planning the wedding.
One week prior to the wedding I learned from a friend that she had cheated on me. I confronted her the next day and she confirmed everything. My world, my happy married future was shattered right then and there. Apparently she had EA for over a year since we started long distance. The guy came to see her 3 times and she committed PA, however she adamantly denied having sex (reddit really did not believe her). I was so stunned, heart broken, and distraught that I later recognized were probably signs of PTSD. I'm sorry to all the BS out there this is one pain no-one should ever experience.
In reality I think I held it together pretty well given the circumstances. When I confronted her she admitted she would not have told me before the wedding, which was just another stab in my heart. She admitted that she still had feelings for the OM. This crossed a line and I called off the wedding. I cannot, will not, marry someone who has feelings for others. I know it works for some, but it does not work for me.
What followed was days of immense pain. Calling all my good friends, both our parents (her parents didn't know), their friends, vendors, etc was not fun the slightest. The day of the supposed wedding I was almost catatonic. The day after I went and told her we need to break up. She cried and begged and sobbed her heart out, which made my heart ache for her. After all I could not undo 6 years of loving her in a single week. Reading the resources and threads here I'm surprised to see that this behavior from the WS (or WF in my case?) is actually very common.
Few days later she wanted to reconcile. She said she would do anything to make us work. She was really sorry. She loved me more than anything. After reading stories here again I am surprised this is all very common WS/WF behavior. I asked for a few weeks to cool down.
So that brings us to now, 3 weeks from D-Dday. I tried to talk to her a few times, and I'm just confused about everything. Now in our relationship I was always the emotionally strong one, the more caring one, and she has always been a bit immature. She also had trouble with deep communication, while I was very happy with communication. She is obviously hurt, and she is very hurt by me not trusting her. However all her actions seem very.... self defensive? When I asked to read through her messages with the OM she said she felt violated. She said things like she wants to do what it takes, but if I can't trust her then I can't trust her so what's the point. She made a mistake and she's wrong but she doesn't know if she can pay for it the rest of her life. Who is this person I'm talking to? Where is my loving and supportive Fiancee when I'm so clearly hurt and traumatized by her actions? Again reading threads here it seems she is more sorry vs. remorseful. If that's true then this is a very hard pill to swallow, as I truly still care so much for her. Maybe she's still in the affair fog? Last time I spoke with her she said while she did NC with the OM she still could not get over him yet.
At this point I honestly don't know how to feel about anything. 3 weeks ago my blissful happy self was dragged out and brutally murdered. I feel like a shell of a former person. I'm just so sad now, sad about the life we could of had together, sad for how I feel like I have nothing, even sad for her for what she must be going through.
Currently I am leaning against reconciliation based on the lack of support I'm getting and her actions post D-Day. Maybe I'm reading my situation wrong in that case would love to hear some perspectives.
I am so scared right now. I am scared of being cheated on again. I am scared of never getting over this if we do reconcile. I am scared of being single at the age of 32. It truly is a shit sandwich. What are even the chances of finding the right one at my age? I never thought much about it to be honest, and even the thought of it now scares me.
Thank you for reading and giving your advice / perspective if you choose to.
157 comments posted: Sunday, October 24th, 2021
Question re: few posts from unmarried couples
Hey SI, I am a recently minted BBF (betrayed boyfriend). Since discovering the site I read through the healing library (which is great btw), and tons of posts from others describing their situations and how they dealt with it. One thing I noticed quickly is the large ratio of married couples vs. unmarried ones like myself posting. I am a bit confused at the huge sampling discrepancy. Anyone can help me figure out why this is the case? Maybe it's that marriage lasts a lot longer than dating so there's more chances to cheat/find out? Maybe it's something else? I honestly don't know hah.
4 comments posted: Saturday, October 23rd, 2021