Newest Member: Definedbygrace


Wife had ons 15 years ago

I am 45, wife is 43. We got married in Aug 2005. About a year later, I had to go out of the country on business. One day, on the phone, wife told me she had invited a "friend" X for dinner to our apartment. I didn't think much of it - I knew the guy and he appeared to be a decent sort of fellow. But for many years, I carried a hunch something happened that night. When asked about it after a few years, wife pretended she barely remembers the dinner invitation.

Fast forward 9 years to 2015 - we are in a different country now. My wife was having an EA (she won't call it that) with another person Y that hurt me very much. Wife did IC at that time for a few months (her own initiative, I didn't believe anything would come out of it). I have been living in pain all these 6 years. To address it, I began IC and MC now. It came out that X was actually her ex-bf. My thought immediately went to that night 15 years ago. A few hours ago, she confessed that it was a ONS. The confession came after I promised her that there is no threat to our marriage no matter what truths come out.

I intend to keep that promise and besides I have two small children. She has been 100% faithful the last 6 years - gave me full access to her email/social media accounts. So R is the only option forward.

Right now, I don't even know how to describe my feelings (English is not my first language, but I cannot describe them in any language). It is far more intense than what the EA caused 6 years ago. I don't know if it is grief, trauma, shock or whatever.

What do I do now - in the next few days, few weeks, few months?

For what it is worth, she is totally dejected as well. The only thing I asked so far is how many times it happened. She insists it happened only once after she became my wife. We have been living in a different country the last 11 years, so nothing happened between them during this time.

49 comments posted: Sunday, December 12th, 2021

Counsellor recommendations: Toronto/remote

Hi, I am new on the forum, looking for counselor recommendations in the Toronto (Canada) area. This will be primarily for individual counseling (from a BS perspective), but may eventually lead to MC.

Also, does anybody have a positive experience with virtual sessions - I am inclined to believe they will be less effective.

3 comments posted: Monday, November 8th, 2021

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