Newest Member: Unsureofhope


So Lost

My beautiful wife of 5 years is having an affair. At least 4 months. Knew the guy. Had a gut feeling about it after the first night at a party they spent time together. We had a talk about it and was reassured. Chose to believe her, to trust her.

I never had the chance to really spend time with him; they had gotten close and I wanted to get to know her new friend better. We had a small party just the three of us, told each other our life stories. I told him I was glad she had found a person to be such a great friend. That their closeness because I trusted her. Trusted him.
They lied to my face. Agreed with me. Later in the night I wanted to give him a hug. They looked at each other, and my heart sunk; I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Took her phone while she was sleeping two days later, the 12th. She had deleted her texts with him before the 2nd, but since then there were over 1600 texts. And it was all there, the sexting, the playfulness, the intimacy, the consideration of him that was missing from our relationship. Downloaded the texts. Confronted her the next day and gave her my ring, told her to make a decision, if she wants to work on the relationship. We talked, I felt desperate. She described how good she makes him feel, like it was my fault every time she wanted to have a good time she went to see him and be flattered and complimented to the moon and back. She left me then, to see him, let him know they had been caught red-handed, to say goodbye, I thought.
We talked again the next day, how do we fix our marriage? Two days ago, I didn't know it was so broken. How did I lose you? I asked for details of everything seen in the texts. Worked backwards placing visits and dates. I believe I got the truth from her, mostly because she didn't seem remorseful. We talked about the way he made her feel that I didn't. She felt seen and heard with him. He was more attentive, comfortable and fun than me. Lets see a marriage counselor and improve our communication and get where they are but with us instead! I asked to see her phone. No texts from him, she had deleted the conversation.
I asked her to stop seeing him. Cut off contact while we worked on us. She didn't want to lose him as a friend, said she was going to pull back from the physical/sexual aspect. I could not convince her, and did not want to push. We booked the counselor, will see her on the 22nd. She left for work, and I spent the rest of the day trying to distract myself, reading the texts again and matching where I had been at those times. I had sent her texts to cheer her up, because I mostly saw her when she was down. She'd sent them to him as her own. I did some research on the internet, what should I do? What is next for me? And I am so glad I found this site. I read the primer, the healing library. Helped me get back on me feet a little. Remind me of the respect I should have for myself.
The next morning. I asked to look at her phone, she was hesitant again. They had been texting, innocent stuff. He said he was uncomfortable with me reading things he texted her in private! I am also uncomfortable about some of the things you have been doing with my wife in private! I asked her again to cut off contact with him. Asked her how she would rebuild trust or even healthy communication if she continues the same pattern of behavior as before? If any time it gets difficult, she can go see him? Asked her at least chill it out until we see the marriage counselor. I got a vaguely affirmative answer. The last two days I have been trying to work on and improve on the things she says we are missing, and it's being reciprocated. Starting to feel hopeful.
Got home from work today. Brief conversation about our days, I make her laugh. I like making her laugh. It's hard to keep the conversation going. In the silence, she tells me she's planning on visiting him for a few hours. She's going. I didn't know my voice could get so quiet when I said ok. She knows how much this hurts me. Why is this so important to her? How can this man be so big in her heart in only 4 months?
I feel torn apart. I thought when I caught her it would be over. Choose to rebuild the marriage or disassemble the life we made together and start anew. I thought when I gave her the choice along with my ring, she was deciding. Instead now it feels like she just took the actual choice from me instead. I don't know what to do
There has been so much crying
6 days until the marriage counselor appointment feels like an eternity.

57 comments posted: Friday, November 19th, 2021

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