She says "he's just a friend"
I knew something was off. I confronted her on 11/14 — she had changed her passwords, something we had previously shared, and had become very protective of her phone. I noticed that she quickly shut it off whenever I came into the room I noticed that she had downloaded Signal, which is a private messaging app. She had started taking longer coming home from work, claiming that deliveries where late or those she worked with were being slow. She all but stopped messaging me during the day, and when she did write, it was short things about dinner or other trivial items. She started going grocery shopping alone, needed some "her" time, this is something we used to do together. She has always gone running after work and on weekends, but now with it getting too dark and cold, her "running" on the weekends have turned into 3-4 hour events. She moved out onto the couch saying I moved around too much and she couldn't sleep. The couch then became the guest bedroom, that's when I finally confronted her.
She said that she was texting the OM because he had been open about his mental health issues — she has struggled with anxiety and depression for a while, but we had it under better control with counseling and medication. She even initially told me she was going to talk to him and because I knew him, he goes to our church and is our insurance guy, I foolishly thought that would be OK.
On 11/14, I asked her if she still loved me, and she said yes, but she "hasn't been happy for quite a while" and "it's been a difficult year" and she wasn't sure if she wanted to work on the marriage or not. I told her that I noticed that she hid her phone anytime I came into the room. That's when she told me who the OM was.
She said that they texted and met sometimes for lunch but he was "just a friend." She said it over and over as I asked questions about him. I got angry, and incredibly sad at the same time and told her that it ceased being "just friends" when she felt like she had to hide it from me. I asked if she talked about me to him, she said she did. I told her that her affair hurt almost as bad as if she had slept with him.
Over the next few days, I just could shake the feeling that there was more going on than she told me. It's difficult because she says she doesn't want to work on the marriage. I looked at phone records and they call each other first thing in the morning and during most lunches, then again as soon as she gets off work. The phone calls started on 10/10, so at least a month. She doesn't text him because they use Signal, and I don't have access to her phone, plus it deletes the messages as soon as you send them anyway.
I talked to her again on Saturday and she said that they only talk and hug. I don't believe her, maybe it's because of the lies and the broken trust, but I just feel like more is going on than she is telling me.
She's currently in the process of finding a new place to live. She was going to wait until January, but I told her last night that I wouldn't be her plan B and that if she was waiting to move out to spare my feelings to not worry about that. She put a deposit on a place today during her lunch hour. In Virginia we have to be separated for 6 months before we can divorce, as soon as she moves in that will start the separation time.
I've left messages with a couple of attorneys this week but because of the holiday they are slow getting back to me. I think I want to split amicably if possible but I also want to know how far she has taken it. I feel this need to know if it was just an EA or if it was a PA.
Does it really matter though? Do I push it where she doesn't want to work on our marriage or just let her go and move on with my life?
We've been married for 18 years and luckily have no children.
I just feel so lost right now, lightheaded and in a fog. I appreciate any advice.
41 comments posted: Saturday, November 27th, 2021