In bed with your husband
This is the title of a book by a Russian author. I don't know if there is an English translation of the book - it is available in my language and I had the dubious pleasure of reading it. This is the story and often the opinion of the author who is OW. I was very struck by her statement about wives after DDay. She claims that when wives find out about their husbands's affair, they 'deliberately succumb to innumerable diseases and ailments to keep the husband away from his mistress'.
When I found out about the A, I couldn't eat. I lost weight in the blink of an eye, which greatly affected my body. I caught every possible infection and my heart was so weak that I got tired very quickly. After making a few quicker steps I had to sit down, catch my breath and calm its rhythm. When I was suspected of having a pre-infarction, I did not ask my M for help - I wanted to go to the hospital alone. It was my son who called him, and he eventually drove me there by force. Maybe it is difficult to understand for someone who has not experienced betrayal, but accusing BS of premeditation is very hurtful to me.
11 comments posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022
Trigger as f***
In DDay 2 I found out that my WH used Tiktok to communicate with OW. Not knowing this application, I quickly set up my own account and invited OW, who gladly accepted the invitation. She never posted anything - the app was only used to communicate with my husband. Over time, I removed the application and had no access to it for about a year and a half. I just downloaded it again and logged in. Due to the fact that we are still "friends" there, I immediately saw a movie with her face... At first one movie, then the second one, third...
I'm shaky and I don't know how to deal with it. My WH reads my emotions like in a book. He will notice that something is wrong. I can't hide my emotions. I don't know if I should tell him about it. I don't know what to do at all, how should I function today? I have a maniacal urge to keep returning to these films, although so far I don't do that, however I picture them all the time. Probably I should get rid of the application again, or the account in general. My heart is pounding, and at the same time I am furious with myself, with OW, with WH... 😭
15 comments posted: Saturday, July 30th, 2022
I've found a Marriage Builders website where it is recommended that you disclose and spread the affair information to everyone on AP's Facebook friend list. There's even a sample message:
"Dear friend of OM:
It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.
I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Thank you, BH"
There is also a comment/advice:
"Should be done to the OM/OW's facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP's closest friends and family.
SPACE THE PM'S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children."
I've never come across such an idea before. Have any of you done anything similar?
15 comments posted: Saturday, July 2nd, 2022
Compassion for the unfaithful spouse
I warn you and apologize in advance that my post will be full of curses and anger and probably personal inserts.
Today I found a blog of a once unfaithful man. I read the post explaining to the betrayed what the cheater feels during and after the affair. Very sincere post. Even though I hadn't cried in months and thought I wasn't capable of it anymore, it made me cry and cry out loud. Then I read a comment from another unfaithful spouse and I was damned!
The guy complained in the comment how unfair it is, that both in life and on the Internet, more compassion flows on the betrayed than on the betrayers and he did not understand why.
Due to the fact that the possibility of adding more comments has been closed, I will allow myself to answer here, hoping that maybe one day the guy will read it, and if not he personally, maybe others like him:
When your unconscious wife, worried that you were working overtime, was cooking your favorite meal to please you and cheer you up, in the same time you were fucking another woman in the bushes. Then you came home and ate a meal in which your wife put all her heart. Did you have any remorse? Possible, but did they stop you from inflicting wounds on your wife? No, because instead of praising the dish, you texted to your AP that "her sexy fingers surely make the best roast in the world".
When friends of yours noticed that you became strangely withdrawn, your wife defended you by explaining how busy you were lately, not realizing that car, which was your whim and which you paid for together with your wife for four years, you scorned by your AP's bare ass instead of (as you claimed) working overtimes to pay it back faster.
When you professed love for another woman, your wife went over her own limits of physical endurance so that you could return to a clean, safe house, so that you could eat a good meal and put on clean clothes, so that you would not have to think about paying bills on time, etc., even though she was also working professionally herself no less heavier than you.
When your wife started to sense something was wrong and asked you directly if there was someone else in your life, you lied looking her straight in the eye.
When your affair saw the light of day and ripped apart your wife's soul, you couldn't decide whether you want to stay with your long-loving wife, or if you prefer to go to a practically stranger woman, leaving your family behind.
When you have kindly decided that staying with your wife is a better option for you financially and simply conveniently, you expected that the topic of your affair would be immediately closed, swept under the rug, and you would be welcomed with open arms and gratitude for your kindness.
When your devastated wife tried to understand what actually happened, she sought help wherever she could, you were annoyed that she couldn't leave the pain behind, smile, bloom for you, and pretend nothing had happened.
For these and a million other reasons, but mainly because you couldn't get your head out of your own ass, because you were (or maybe still are) a selfish motherfucker, no one feels sorry for you!!!
Thank you! I'm done!
37 comments posted: Saturday, June 11th, 2022
I wanted to ask how do you deal with destructive thoughts? What are your ways? Are you defending yourself against them at all, or just letting them flow?
In 11 days it will be two years from DDay, and I am still experiencing these thoughts and images several times a day. They don't take my whole day like they used to, but they are just as tiring. In every book or article I have read it says that BS has to work on R as well and because I can't chase away unhealthy thoughts, I feel that I'm not working on R the way I should. They also ruin my mood...
I still can see the events from two years ago, their text messages which I had the opportunity to read, roar in my head, I imagine their trysts and the OP's face is hunting me - I'm afraid that one day I will see it in the mirror.
Work does not help me - I cannot focus on it, hobbies only deepen these thoughts, meditation has stopped giving results. I suffer with lack of ideas for dealing with this...
7 comments posted: Thursday, May 26th, 2022
Hello! This is my first post here. English is not my first language, so please forgive any linguistic mistakes. I am BS, 18 months after the DD. We're trying to fix our 20-year marriage. I seized on all kinds of help; articles, books, therapies. As you probably know, it is a continuous roller coaster. I think that unlike many women who have been betrayed, I am less (but of course also) bothered by the emotional part of my husband's affair, and much more heavily burdened by the sexual part. I started reading the book "Not Just Friends" recommended here. I broke down completely after reading the dynamics of the romance, mutual excitement and increasing sexual tension. Especially since my husband was having an affair with a coworker, so the author's explanations gave me the full picture. And that picture made me feel like reheated leftovers. Completely worn out ... And it made me feel not like the first but like the second woman in his life. Not exciting or appealing, but safe, so he chose me in the end. I can't cope with that feeling. How do you get along with the sexual sphere? It is so overwhelming for me that I went into "run away" mode again. Please help...
32 comments posted: Friday, December 10th, 2021