Alcohol rears it's ugly head again...
I'm about 15 months post-DD and recently WS decided he wanted to go solo skiing trip in our camper. He's been sober for about 6 months, so both our therapist and I didn't think this was a good idea, but he was hell-bent on going. Sadly, that night, I discovered he had used two different credit cards to access some site called Arousr? When I looked this up, it appears to be some type of porn chat site? When he returned home the next day, it was clear he had been drinking the night before, and claimed that "he blacked out and doesn't even know what happened." I have a hard time believing that since he used two different credit cards to access these sites.
Our MC says this is akin to another DD. Even worse, the fact that he fell this hard off the wagon, leads me to believe we're back to square one.
Is anyone here with a spouse who struggles with alcohol and infidelity? In looking at his search history, this was not the first time he'd been on these sites before his EA/PA in 2021. I don't think he's a sex addict, but for some reason when he drinks, porn and sex appear to be something he looks for. He's now acknowledging he needs better/more help, but not sure he's really committed to this.
7 comments posted: Saturday, January 7th, 2023
Intimacy is gone
Engaged in hysterical bonding for 3 months after start of reconciliation process. Beginning of this year, sex became sporadic and now WS won’t initiate or want to be intimate. It’s been almost three months and it’s stopped all together. Is this normal? When I mention what’s happened, he avoids it all together. Even kissing is a simple peck on the cheek. Married 25 years when the infidelity happened. He’s also beyond tired of me asking same questions over and over again. While he’s doing the work, if I don’t send him a video, or drop off a book, he wouldn’t do anything. Feels because he’s going to IC and now MC that’s enough. Is it?
6 comments posted: Monday, May 2nd, 2022
Alcohol and Infidelity
Does anyone have a WS that struggled with alcohol and used their alcoholism coupled with an underlying depression as part of the reason for their affair? Once alcohol abuse and depression got under control, they've reflected that it played a central role in starting their affair. Wonder if this is just an excuse or if this could legitimately be a major factor?
18 comments posted: Tuesday, April 26th, 2022
Is this too much to handle?
H had a 6 mo long EA/PA with former GF from 23 years ago. Shortly after DD he moved in with her leaving me and our teenage children. After about a month, asked to move back home and begin reconciliation which has been up and down with various mishaps, as OW reached out at various points and H communicated back professing his undying love to her. All comm ended about 3 mos ago with a final final "it's Over Over" communication.
Subsequent to him returning home, depression is under control due to meds and he QUIT HIS JOB. The drinking is still there, though not as big a problem as before. Now he's told me that he doesn't want to go back to his chosen field and prefers to go back to college and start a new carreer (he's 55). This means I will be supporting a family of 6 on my own for the foreseeable future. I'm honeslty not sure how to address this because while I want to be supportive during this time of reconcilation, I'm also feeling a bit ambivalent.
Additionally, as I said, recovery work has been very basic on his part, but we are in MC. I love him and want this to work, but the pressure right now to handle it all is overwhelming.
21 comments posted: Friday, March 4th, 2022
Why did I ask for sexual details?
Initially, H said he only had sex a few times with the AP... then during the most recent disclosure (trickle truths) it appears they screwed like rabbits. I asked every question I could during this last disclosure and now feel gutted. I knew in my heart to try to avoid this path, but at the end of the day, I felt the innate need to know when, how (positions) and where. For those that have received this level of intimate detail, how have you processed and moved on? I'm so disgusted with H that I can't even feign hugging. I feel like I went pain shopping and am now trying to figure out what to do.
17 comments posted: Wednesday, February 9th, 2022
Lies lies and more lies
After DD , WS moved away to be near AP. About a month later we both decided to participate in a marriage workshop to determine if our relationship was salvageable and should consider reconciling. During this retreat, WS told me that the affair was over and apologized and wanted to come back home. We had sex. No concrete promises were made about reconciliation but the "hope" was that we would continue to speak and move toward that goal. Fast forward three days later and we meet with an individual marriage counselor virtually (me at home and he in his apt). During this session we both agreed to keep the reconciliation lines open and agreed to meet that Friday to discuss next steps. Today, WS told me that he had sex that same Wednesday after our marriage counseling session with the AP, as he "wanted to tell me the entire truth." Why, if we had been discussing reconciliation would he screw her after our marriage counseling session??? He has no explanation. Sadly, unbeknownst to me, that following weekend, I agreed to have him return home. Had I known he had bedded her 3 days after being intimate with me, I would have never agreed to it. Said he was actually glad he didn’t tell me until now because he really wants to be here with me.
Does this make any sense?
12 comments posted: Sunday, January 30th, 2022