Newest Member: Rony


Contacting the other spouse?

I'm only about 10 days out from D-Day. I made my first post here last week and received lots of wonderful support and advice. I do have a question and feel the need to dig more deeply into one theme that was brought up by several posters: contacting the OBS. Many people urged me to contact him and let him know what his wife has been up to. I understand the premise behind this. He deserves to know about the affair, and she needs to face whatever consequences come about in her own marriage.

Here's my dilemma: I don't know the guy. I know nothing about him. I don't know if he's mentally stable, if he has a bad temper, if he's likely to be vindictive toward my husband or my family. I don't know if he will deal with his wife alone, or if he will feel the need to expose my husband as well. As far as we know, only my WH, the OW and I know about the affair. They have a few mutual ex-workers, but really no mutual friends. I'm pretty sure WH did not confide in anyone about the affair. He believes that she also kept it entirely to herself. If she did tell anyone, it's was very likely no one who knows my WH or me. What if I tell the BS and he outs the affair to anyone who will listen, including my family?

We have an adult son with autism. He would be absolutely devastated if he found out. He is a very sensitive guy who doesn't have the ability to fully process his emotions. I firmly believe that knowing about this would put him back several years in the progress he's been making with his social therapist. We also have an adult son who very likely has found the woman he's eventually going to marry. They have big plans to move to a new city later this year and start some very exciting careers. I do not want him having to carry this baggage just as his adult life is beginning. I don't want him to have to worry about anything besides building his new life with his girlfriend and their respective careers. I also have not told my sister, my mom or any of my friends. I just don't want to go there. Truthfully, I'm too embarrassed that this happened. I know I don't bear any responsibility for my WH's poor choices, but I just want to keep this between us. I don't have the desire or the emotional energy to discuss it with anyone else. I don't want my mom and sister dissecting it behind my back, which I know they would. Besides my WH and a therapist, I don't want to discuss it or reveal it to anyone. I also don't know if the OBS has violent tendencies. What if he decides to come after my WH? Stranger things have happened.

There's no way I can be sure that telling the other BS won't open a huge can of worms. I have no idea who he is, how he would feel about it and what he would do. I don't think I'm being paranoid. I honestly don't know what fallout might occur. For these reasons, I do not currently plan to contact him. I would appreciate any relevant experiences or input. Thanks!

17 comments posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

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