Newest Member: YouGoGirl2000


Forgiveness: A Time to Love & A Time to Hate


I am looking for anyone's experience with the book Forgiveness: A Time to Love & A Time to Hate -- Helen Whitney (isbn 160746649X). The documentary she did for PBS is listed on the Surviving Infidelity site under About --> Media as (PBS: Helen Whitney Productions – Forgiveness After Infidelity). The real name of the documentary is Forgiveness: A Time to Love & A Time to Hate (the same as the book). The documentary is more about forgiveness in general. However, infidelity does appear as the first section of part 2 for the documentary.

Any input would be appreciated.

1 comment posted: Friday, March 31st, 2023

Trust versus love

Many people have said to me that 100% trust in another person is not good. I have seen that written on SI as well. I grieve the loss of trust in my spouse. Where i am at currently in regards to trust is that my goal is to trust 100% again. I am not sure i can get there, but it seems like a worthy goal.

My question for those that believe 100% trust is not healthy (or good) is the do you believe the same for love? That the only person you should love 100% is yourself. How does the inability / unhealthiness of trusting others impact your ability to give and receive love? This is both a philosophical question as well as an every day being in the world question.

25 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Divorce -- dday umpteen -- anger

Mods feel free to move this to whatever sub-forum you see fit.

Looking to vent a little anger. Short story for me -- Married 28 years -- together 32 -- one adult son, one adlut daughter. original dday was Thanksgiving weekend 2020. WW denied, obfuscated went further underground, .... standard fare. Asked her to leave the house in April 2021 which she did. SHe lived in an apartment until October of this year when she moved back home to try again. I see at this point i was wanting too much to believe in who i thought she was -- and that is all on me. All of the other mistakes and not holding her accountable is me <raises hand>. During this time we came right up to signing the divorce papers but did not.

Since she has been home it has been a struggle to say the least. Lying *every* day-- it is like she opens her mouth and lies are all that can come out. This can be about anything literally. The past two weeks were particularly roguh and have convinced me to end the marriage. Hours late home with no explanation, trips gone, not coming home at night. The hits kept coming until last Wednesday when i found gifts from AP in her car. When asked about them she lied. I knew they were gifts from AP as the documentation (letters, texts, ....) i had from before she left in 2020 had a picture of the uncommon item. More gifts found the next day. Daughter was home for the holidays and witnessed everything. She was bawling when i finally took her to the airport on Christmas day.

TLDR version -- i am done. My anger is flowing too strong and i am feeling like i want to let everyone know. Family, friends, her former job, her new job, the state licensing board. This would not be just bi A affair related. She would take pictures like she was at work whand then go to AP's house, say she was working from home -- even on the day when i took or son to the ER. She stole time from work, exposed client data to AP who was a volunteer at the organization, installed software on company phone/computer to go underground, used gift cards for clients to fund the affair, .... Her job requires state licensure so i feel like dropping them a line.

Thanks for having this place -- and allowing me to rant.

11 comments posted: Friday, December 30th, 2022

Cognitive Dissonance -- Round 2

This question is regarding my cognitive dissonance as a BS. There was a thread surrounding cognitive dissonance and duplicity as it relates to the WS (see DoubleTraicion post --

One of the areas that i am struggling with is surrounding the physical items relating to my wife's affair. I have letters from her to AP, text messages back and forth between them ..... These items/words are getting in the way of my healing with her. They are like bricks in a wall that she built and then used the lies as mortar to make permanent the distance and space between us. I have not looked at/read them in over a year. There was so much denial of everything in my every day life that i held on to them at the time as a way to validate that i was not crazy. Now i keep them because i still do not trust her at all or myself in some aspects.

For those that have processed through this situation how were you able to set dow that proof and come out of it with any sort of idea of whaat your life was prior to the A? Does employing our own sort of cognitive dissonance against those items or 'knowns' have a place in that aspect of healing?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022

Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20231001 2002-2023® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy