How to exit the polf
I have been in the POLF for several months (probably 5-6). I was pretty comfy there feeling a little depressed and numbing out a lot too. We are about 2 years from DD and I am ready to move on. My H is doing all the work and has been this whole time. I can’t ask for much more in a remorseful and contrite H, who himself is traumatized as well from his actions. And when I did ask for more, he is dutifully working on it.
But how do I get out? I am feeling like a movement away from focusing on the past and how sad I am about what has happened to me to focusing on the present and future is what I need. Practically speaking, how were others able to get there? What books helped? What did you tell yourself? What was your partner’s role? What did you focus on in therapy?
I know some might suggest better self care, but I am not really sure what that looks like for me given my time commitments elsewhere and lack of interest in things people find therapeutic like gardening, hiking, biking, friends, yoga, etc.
Thank you in advance for those who reply.
11 comments posted: Monday, October 3rd, 2022
For those who are healed, when did the waves of sadness stop?
Piggybacking off ny earlier post about being stuck. For those who feel they are healed, how long in months or years was it before the waves of sadness stopped enough that you felt healed? Any other insight on how to move through and past them?
I am almost 2 years post dday. It was double betrayal and also several other more minor infidelities through the years. My H has remained committed to both of our healing and reconciliation and is doing close to everything right. We have good IC and MC. But the waves of sadness are still happened often and I am in a huge one right now which is similar to the POLF. After my last post I identified that I don’t feel like H engages me on his own enough to talk about all this and have felt very alone and tired of carrying the pain. He is now working in depth on this issue in both the whys and the actions he needs to take.
I guess I just want to know that it is typical to be this far out with a WH who is all in and still going through waves of sadness. Hearing how long others took to move out of this may boost my hope and desire to get there too. Right now I am feeling pretty defeated a lot of the time and turning into my own head and solitude to cope, which is my defense mechanism.
14 comments posted: Wednesday, September 7th, 2022
How to get unstuck
I am a BW and Dday was nearly 2 years ago and involved double betrayal from two close friends. I have been in IC and MC since dday. My H has done everything that he should in recovery and continues to be remorseful and committed. My only complaint is that now nearly 2 years later he doesn’t always (but sometimes does well) check in on my well being about this all enough, but we have been working on that in MC and IC.
I have felt stuck since about January. I had made a lot of progress towards healing but I have a lingering sadness that comes and goes about what H and my friends did to me and can be pretty intense at times. I have been searching for the key to getting unstuck since January both with my IC and in reflection and reading on my own. I can’t seem to find it.
I am tiring of trying to heal myself as I do not see I am making forward movement and starting to feel more hopelessness and despair. Any advice on how I figure out how to get unstuck? I don’t know what to do and am in a place where I am starting to not even want to try and just want to be left alone. I have no desire to trust any human again and honestly feel much more powerful in this untrusting mindset. Maybe that is blocking me, but I see no way to get myself willing to trust.
12 comments posted: Friday, August 26th, 2022