Certainly not the first time this has been asked but:
Do any of you know you will never trust again or stop checking to make sure the affair hasn’t started up again?
I know I will never trust anyone fully again I also know that even though I love my FWH I will never stop checking up behind him.
I’m sure it’s not healthy but if I’m completely honest with myself I know this to be the absolute truth.
He’s been clean as far as me checking and yes I know you can’t be completely sure -but it offers a false sense of security.
He asks me if any of the work he’s doing even matters to me if he can never be new in my eyes.
He’s not asking me to hurry up so it’s not a toxic wayward response—- it’s actually a good question.
I want to believe in renewal and that he could be a changed man—- but if he could do the things he did before I can’t put anything past him - you are forever different in my eyes.
29 comments posted: Monday, October 2nd, 2023
For people who believe in both God & karma.
I have been taught to put my trust in God and also do unto others as you would have done to you.
And then my FWH cheated on me.
I’m in pain and want to let go of my hyper vigilance and let go and let god……but I have to acknowledge that God let me be in the dark for 20 months while my husband cheated.
I also have never cheated on my husband or any partner so I know I did not deserve this betrayal.
Moving forward my beliefs must switch. I know now that God can allow me to be betrayed and no good I put out in the world assures my heart.
I just don’t know why I feel like a sacrificial lamb in my husband’s downfall and maybe he’s a better man for it now…… but I am left realizing that you can’t trust anyone and Lyon don’t always get the energy back that you put out.
My thoughts this morning.
And it’s my birthday today.
16 comments posted: Thursday, June 22nd, 2023
Do they even realize how damaging their “love bombing” was?
The love bombing during the affair before DDAY makes it so hard to believe the "I love you’s" of today.
When they rewrite history about us and our marriage to their AP, they are actually rewriting their own identity in our hearts. 😭
5 comments posted: Friday, June 9th, 2023
The Lies they believe
Here’s what I realized:
The AP is full of sh*t! They try to pretend that there were problems in your marriage before they entered…..
Bi*%h the PROBLEM was the guy talking to you!
It wasn’t at all a red flag that a man approaching you to break a covenant to the person he loves in front of all the people he loves is a LIAR? How do you believe anything he says?
The problem I have is that if a man walked up to them and said-
"Hey I think you’d make me feel handsome and powerful let’s go rob a bank every week and buy crack with the money we steal and smoke it."
Would the OW say to herself "oh there must be bad people in his life making him unhappy- I’ll do this for him to help him be happy?"
Nope she’d see him as crazy going through something and not healthy.
Also, they tell themselves-
"He must love me he keeps breaking all these rules to be with me and making time to sneak and come see me!"
Nope- he’s sneaking around to not let the person he really loves find out! He doesn’t want anyone to know so he keeps everything a secret!
Since when does ANYONE who is proud of something keep that which they are proud of secret?!?! People want you to see the things they work hard for and value-
You are a secret - and many secrets are things that people are ashamed of and people have negative emotions attached to. You are hidden to protect you from the things that are valuable do as not to tarnish them.
These concepts just literally hit me in the face as I stumbled across a video on you tube of the OW explaining that there were already problems in the marriage if he was out looking for her.
Nope you can’t know that it was the marriage——and then I said just like it wasn’t about who this OW is—-she could’ve been anyone who would listen to the lies. The problem in the marriage was the WS!!!!
It’s been 3 years and even though you know this stuff sometimes you have a moment of clarity and YOU GET IT!
It just happened to me. Lol
What realizations and discoveries finally sunk in for you???
5 comments posted: Monday, June 5th, 2023
Death in comparisons
"If you keep putting what I’ve been doing everyday since up against what I did then you will never see who I am becoming now"
So my fWH said this to me. And I know he’s right. I have not been a person to forgive and forget and until recently I thought I didn’t hold grudges.
This predicament has shown me that when people disappoint me I have always just cut them off and pulled back but I’ve never ever really forgave anyone in my life.
I don’t want to be the type of person that makes a person feel like I won’t let them grow and become new again and learn from their past. But I find that no gesture/ no grow my fwh does stands alone without me seeing all he did during the affair.
It’s like he’s a kid that builds me something and wants me to know that it’s from his heart and I love it at first but then I start to dissect it and check it out while saying..” I’m checking to make sure it’s really your authentic design and that you didn’t steal it because the last time you gave me something fake and told me it was real.”
I compare everything he is doing now with what he did during the affair. I’ve become toxic and I don’t like myself much lately.
Can anyone relate?🤷🏽♀️
7 comments posted: Thursday, May 25th, 2023
You can’t even take this?!?!
So I had my birthday after DD. My husband paid for it. It was at a place I selected. I became fast friends with the owner of the space.
He is gay and the reason I mention it is to add context and to show we were not romantically connected but kindred spirits like two long lost friends who love fashion and pretty things.
My husband became immediately jealous of our friendship and connection.
One photograph opp I wanted had sparklers involved. When my friend was trying to coordinate everyone people were kinda drunk and not listening especially my FWH so he got a little irritated with my husband who said something rude.
My husband is still upset with me for siding with my friend and saying he was trying to get the photo.
My FWH is hurt because he feells like I sided with him instead of my husband. I preferred his view of the situation. I excused my friend’s negative behavior.
Can you all IMAGINE?!?!?! Me merely saying my friend was justified in getting Upset felt like a violation and his feelings are hurt!?!?! (Typed this without reading glasses on)
But you slept with an AP and told her you loved her and I’m supposed to get over that?!?
Is your FWS this sensitive?
6 comments posted: Friday, May 12th, 2023
Too good of a liar- Too low of a lowlife
The fact that my husband lied so well for so long and the fact that the OW would accept any little crumb that came their way makes ever trusting my husband again. Lose to impossible. She was so low and desperate I can’t ever trust that depths she’ll go for the crumbs he could provide her —so I’m always turning over stones.
I still check everything and even when I don’t find anything to me there’s no relief in that - I just feel like I haven’t discovered it yet- I have to keep looking.
I have even resorted to flying on business trips with him even if it’s only for a day because I feel like he could still fly her in.
My husband knows I’m never going to stop searching and he’s fine with it but says he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to be seen a different way by me again.
He destroyed that- and while I never knew a person could endure what I’ve been putting him through I still know what he’s capable of.
I didn’t sign up to marry a betrayer and here I am married to one. He hates when I say this but I say this to him
"You didn’t know it at the time but while you were rewriting our history you were erasing yourself as the person I loved unconditionally- you rewrote yourself and this is the role you’re in now.
I tell him I’m not like him- I can’t make someone better than they are like you did the affair partner.
Anyway I know it’s harsh but I’m not evolved enough yet.
Are you past the stage where you can see past the WS’ lies and just love them flaws and all? Are you at a place of not believing at any moment you will catch them doing something?
9 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023
What was AP left believing?
This is a fear of mine and I’m afraid to ask.
Did you believe that your WS gave the AP the impression when they ended things that the reason had more to do with your kids and family and not wanting to harm them versus choosing you as the spouse again and that they were still willing to make your marriage work?
I hate the thought that the AP might still feel like she still has his heart but he’s staying out of obligation. Do you believe that your WS left the AP with that gift and if so how do you live with it? I hate the idea that he’d leave her with any shred of dignity or anything to treasure.
23 comments posted: Saturday, May 6th, 2023
What they need to hear now?
What do you feel as a BS your WS needs to hear now as they heal from what they did to us?
I ask because I realize just how damaged my WH was from childhood and that it takes a broken person to do what they did.
Th complexities of reconciliation is overwhelming.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
This site is confusing from my iPhone help please
I read and participate using my iPhone.
Can I stay logged in?
When I change the skin it doesn’t stay saved——how do skins work?
1 comment posted: Sunday, February 5th, 2023
Going from being unaware and innocent to believing anything is possible. Sigh
Has this happened to you since you discovered the affair?
I went from being oblivious to my WH cheating or even thinking it was possible to believing he could be cheating in the most ridiculous scenarios.
I’m traveling with him on a business trip. He’s really busy but I am still checking his location which is in the same hotel I’m in but now I’m thinking he could be meeting people in their rooms to have sex or that he could very well have the AP in a hotel room somewhere so I’m
Constantly video chatting.
Being betrayed is a mindf*#k
14 comments posted: Friday, February 3rd, 2023
Considering emdr. Can you share your experience?
Please share your experience with EMDR.
5 comments posted: Thursday, February 2nd, 2023
Will I ever be free?
I live with a feeling that something is being hidden from me all the time.
I always triple check and try to catch my fwh in a lie…. I haven’t caught him.
But I live like I will and I just want to catch it before I’m blindsided.
All the lying….all the steps taken by both parties to lie to me…..I’m just so doubtful and untrusting. I don’t think I could trust someone new either. It’s been 3 years now and none of my surveillance has found anything. Still I live waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I hate it here.
Will I ever be free?
10 comments posted: Tuesday, January 31st, 2023
I really need Advice.
Before my WS and I were married I had a few amazing experiences with other men that my WS was around for. We’ve know each other since I was 19.
Anyway, I dated an actor a few times over a summer. And I went on a few dates with an entertainer who I went to see a few times. (He sent for me)
I LOVE this singer’s music- we slept together a few times.
My WS doesn’t like him of course and I never play his music anymore.
Fast forward and my husband has an affair.
This performer is coming to town and I want to
Go to the concert. Before WS’s affair I would have just not even considered it.
I want to go and I feel that FWH should have nothing to say but part of his mindset during the affair was that he was insecure about me and my looks and attention I’ve always gotten from the opposite sex.
I wouldn’t sit close where he could see me (I doubt he’d even remember) and I would promise not to go back stage.
I’m curious how you think this would impact reconciliation.
13 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023
I wish you lived near me.
I am so grateful for you all here.
It’s so lonely not being able to talk about the affair with people who have been through this.
You all comment and I feel visible.
I wish you all lived down the street from me so we could meet and share our stories together and support each other.
Do you all appreciate and cherish this place as much as I do?
I hope to be helpful to others one day too. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
I especially appreciate the WS who answer questions 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
4 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023
So TV triggers strike again. Who knew the Walking Dead is a perfect Depiction of Betrayal Trauma??
So we just started The Walking Dead which is crazy because I HATE suspense and I HATE GORE but EVERY FREAKIN’ show has an infidelity trigger!
So Walking Dead seemed perfect.
So you’re going through life you wake up one day and you realize you were asleep while your world as you knew it was crumbling. ( sound familiar) DDay1
You try to gather what you can to protect yourself and find your family hoping they are intact.
Each zombie is a trigger and each time you feel safe there is a swarm coming……
When you try to find normalcy you realize that the new people you thought were safe were plotting and keeping secrets behind your back DDay2
We you get to Terminus they are plotting to devour you and everyone you love.
You keep fighting trying to find shelter in the new trauma bond you have formed.
You find a church and you find the spiritual guide let all his people drown and die in the trauma they experienced.
Now I’m at season 5 and they are in a new place that seems safe- seems livable. But how can it be when there are walkers beyond the gate tgat can sneak in at anytime?
If you let your guard down and relax in the seemingly safe place you’ll get weak and lose your edge and fighting skills…..you could die if you don’t keep your antennas up….but who can live like that constantly waiting for the next surprise attack around the corner.
I’m walking around weapons ready trying to watch my son and daughter live and thrive while I’m on guard trying to protect them.
Thanks Walkjng Dead- this is the biggest trigger and most realistic depiction of a BS’s life.
3 comments posted: Sunday, January 22nd, 2023
Release or hold it in?
For those BS and FWS I have a dilemma-
We are reconciling. My husband is doing the work. The real hard work. Ie because AP works one street over from him, I told him I would not feel comfortable with him leaving the office at all for lunch. So it’s been almost a year and he doesn’t. If he feels the need for lunch he calls me and I come down. He also sends me itinerary and makes all work trips day trips or he brings me with.
However whenever I’m triggered I want to tell him exactly what I know and how hurtful what he did was. For example,
On our anniversary a few months before discovery in the morning I had Alexa play a list of songs for him with the main one being a pop song by Rihanna that says I’m the only girl
In the world. Cute song ——
Well I now know that he was having the affair when I dedicated that song to him and I also know he CALLED the AP to say hello on his dog walk.
So the song comes on and it makes me sick to my stomach that he listened to me make a fool of myself. It meant nothing to him.
There are love songs that used to remind me of my love for him but since the affair I feel disgusted by them.
BS how do you handle these triggers even when the WS is working hard you want them to know how awful what they did was and dirty and deceptive and evil it was. Do you release it or hold it on?
WS what does it do to you when your spouse triggers and want to share it to you?
When I ask my husband- "Do you know how horrible you were and how hurtful the things you did were!" He says yes and that is why he’s working so hard to make me know he is safe and it will never happen again.
13 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023
Do you joke, tease, and have any laughter about the AP or affair?
I know this is probably weird as heck but my husband and I have always used our humor and sarcasm during difficult times to ease pain.
I want to use it a bit now while we’re reconciling but there is still a quite a bit of pain left.
Here’s how I put sarcasm into a recent situation - my humor tried to enter….
My husband was cleaning and sweeping and he swept up something so dusty we couldn’t make out what it was- he said "what does this eff’d up POS look like?"
I responded with his AP’s name.
We both laughed but the fact that he’s embarrassed and ashamed could be seen on his face.
Do you all joke?
40 comments posted: Thursday, January 12th, 2023
How did you evict the AP from your brain?
My FWH’s AP is CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND!😫
Not a day goes by when she isn’t.
You all always advise us to stop allowing the AP to live rent free in your brain but how did you evict them?
14 comments posted: Tuesday, January 10th, 2023
This may Trigger other BS. Warning
The holidays are full of triggers for me which is why I have been posting so much. I google search so many things to try to feel "safe" trusting my husband again.
Unfortunately I came upon a website that supports the OW. When I started reading it I burst out into tears.
So many of those women are waiting on the side for YEARS! They go further underground willingly many times with the wife believing they are in NC!😫😫😫😫
They are of the mindset that in order to keep their Married men they have to be quiet and deny and not make problems!!!
How am I ever supposed to feel secure with women like these who are willfully going further underground and happily still seeing married men who tell them they will never leave their wives?!?! They do one times re surface years later!!
Please someone help me not bug my husband and have him under surveillance.
12 comments posted: Wednesday, January 4th, 2023
Something that I don’t understand about Wayward triggers and how a BS deals with them
I keep reading replies where they refer to "triggers" on both sides. What does a WS trigger about and why should a BS care? I know darned well that I need to care but really why should I care if my FWH triggers?!
What kinds of triggers are you talking about?
3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023
Help please- Business Travel dilemma
So since deciding to reconcile in 2020 we have not spent a night alone. He is doing the work 100%. He is doing so well with his focus on us and other areas of his life that he was given a huge promotion. Increased business travel. 😫
So his last 2 trips I was with him. This trip is a fly out on the 5th leave early morning on the 7th. He sends me the schedule but lets me know he arranged to leave out on the 6th instead because he knows how I’d feel.
I want to attend even though we’ll be on another business trip in February. Really- it doesn’t make sense to do it but a part of me doesn’t want him to be able to talk on the phone with her or to fly her up. Even though I don’t believe there is any communication at all travel triggers fear.
I think in my heart if I allowed him to go without me it would make him feel better and honestly my brain thinks it would be better to not hover and police him. But I’m just so afraid.
How did resuming travel and a longer rope impact your recovery/reconciliation?
6 comments posted: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022
Questions after reading Beyond Remorse and Regret post
I am a BS and very concerned about my FWH. As I read the Remorse post I realized there were similarities.
My FWH has so much remorse that he puts me first all the time and it’s stifling and kind of scary because I think his affair may have had an aspect of " I’m doing something just for me to be selfish".
He doesn’t go outside for lunch when he’s at work because that’s when he would see AP who works a block away. This is at my request. He reduced work dinners and I now travel with him when he needs to travel for work. Also my request which he says he enjoys.
He’s being very transparent but it doesn’t build trust in me for him. I WILL NEVER fully trust him again and I’ll forever double check anything he tells me and verify every thing he says.
He seems to like to keep proving how dedicated he is now and how he is determined to make up for all the damage he caused…. But to me I feel Insecure because it seems like a formula for building up resentment.
It’s a constant conflict in my heart because I want him to feel like he can be enough for me and make me happy again - I never realized how much he felt insecure about me and our relationship. He had been intimidated by former relationships I had with other men.
I don’t want him to stop trying to make up to me for all the horrible things he did BUT I ALSO don’t want the pressure of always seeming like this pain can subside by fulfilling tasks and putting me first in his mind. Does it make sense?
By him being the doting husband who is devoted and all about me and our future - I like it and it is sincere but I feel like he thinks I’m going to be filled up and repaired by his actions. It’s hard for me to tell him that YES what you did destroyed BUT your actions alone can’t heal me. I’m not in a transactional relationship with you. I AM STILL unhappy and no amount of changed behavior or present day loyalty and devotion is filling the chasm left by the betrayal……at least not yet.
How can I keep encouraging him yet make him stop thinking he can repair my heart by doing what he’s doing?
I try to tell him that I’m working on healing myself and besides loyalty he can’t just do everything right and I’ll be healed instantly.
I told him to stop treating me like I’m the AP who you could by a trinket and make it up to me!
3 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022
Tis the season to be triggered fa La La La La …
How do you handle tough seasons?
This season I tough for me because I found phone records when I didn’t know he was having an affair where he spent hours on the phone with her when he was away at work on 11/16. He came home and took the next day off to be with me. We fought and argued and he seemed unsatisfied with me and acted strangely. I couldn’t understand it. In retrospect I realize he was probably deciding to end it with her but was looking to me to provide those same kind of limerance sparks but couldn’t feel them and turned on me.
He didn’t call her for until Thanksgiving about 10 days later but lied to me about seeing friends who were in town for the holiday. The friend was just a lie so that he could give her Thanksgiving eve and day. 😡 she didn’t want to spend another holiday alone and this is what he gave her.
Whenever I’m reminded of the lies he told to me to keep her happy tge more I hate him. Yes he was trying to end it…..but he didn’t. I found out in December 11. He ended it then and went back in January and she ended it February because he told her he’d never leave me and that he loved me……
It’s so hurtful. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this time of year.
How do you handle your "triggery season?"
14 comments posted: Friday, November 18th, 2022
When the side chick seems to be winning in media.
These last few months I’ve been triggered by stuff in media. The Queen’s death and the Royal Side Chick Camilla possibly being named Wueen.The coach of the Boston Celtics cheating on his beautiful wife at the job getting suspended because of it is probably going to lose his job….. his face and his wife’s face is all over the news but somehow the side chick was anonymous for weeks.
Is anyone else triggered by these events? Does it bring up stuff for you and make you go down a rabbit whole of what we’re you thinking with your WS?
4 comments posted: Sunday, October 9th, 2022