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Howcthappen

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

Childhood Wound #1

So I just realized that one of the reasons my PTSD caused by the betrayal persists, is because I have not looked everywhere for the cause or solution.

In fact, it has taken years. Owningitnow’s post to me finally hit me. I have read the letters FOO so much in this group. I have somehow skipped over the part where it refers to BOTH the WS and the BS!

I have been digging into the psyche of my fWH’s FOO to figure out what would cause him to do something so devastating-but never once at my FOO as it could relate to the depth of my pain.

I cried all night and woke up crying. I wrote about one of the many painful experiences from my childhood. Each experience I have shared and accepted as part of my journey. I REALLY have dissected events of my past and have learned from them and worked through them. But I have never, until last evening, drawn a Direct line from events of the DDAYS/betrayal to events from my childhood.

Once I share this here it will likely make sense to all the members who have helped me. It’s an "ah ha" moment with a enormous dollop of "duh" on top.

I will share in the comment as it is long.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, June 5th, 2024

Do you ever?

Do you ever think you should be so over it that you aren’t still checking phones, emails, computers, etc?

I honestly don’t care that things seem normal and like a healthy marriage——the last time it was a normal healthy marriage or so I thought he was cheating.

I think if he could fake normal once he can do it again—-I was fooled once but I don’t want to let a thing slip by.

21 comments posted: Saturday, June 1st, 2024

I really “Effed” up

Before you comment please know this:

I know it’s been 4 years without incident. I know I need to work on forgiveness and my ptsd.

With that out of the way—

I still check everything and I get hyper vigilant at times but it hasn’t happened for weeks. I just check out of habit or boredom now.

So I did it and part of what I do is type in the AP’s email address.

So for clarity I unblocked the email address because I wanted to see if any emails would come through the work email. So let me explain/ the email address is blocked in his work email so it would go straight to junk. However I unblocked it on the phone so just in case there was communication I could see it in the junk folder.

Well I have typed in the address so much that it popped up and an iCloud email address did too.

I freaked out and panicked and accidentally pressed FaceTime and called the AP.

I told him and he got pissed.

I got more upset about her actually thinking he reached out. fWH was mad because I don’t trust him still. He was mad that I unblocked her- he wasn’t aware and he said he didn’t want any communication ever from her not even accidental.

It’s the worst feeling to think that the AP could have seen the missed call and believed my husband reached out to her! 😖🫣😩😫😩😖😭😣😵‍💫🫨

I feel so stupid.

I blocked her email address. But it kills me to have her think he reached out.

But I think maybe she blacked him too.

Anybody else do a similar screwup where snooping backfired?

8 comments posted: Thursday, May 23rd, 2024

Remind me again why I shouldn’t become a mad hatter?

The older I get the more I feel like he got away with murder and enjoyed it.

17 comments posted: Saturday, May 18th, 2024

Couples Therapy on Showtime

We started watching it.
Have you? Was it helpful?

1 comment posted: Thursday, May 16th, 2024

It’s so dumb and exhausting when you think about it this much.

I just realized that the AP are just so so effed up in the head.

Why do they work so hard to keep the WS’s marriage in tact?

They lie, keep quiet, avoid, deceive, hide, for what???
So that the WS can keep up the facade and trick the BS.

By lying and keeping the secret they are in fact preserving the marriage. Why do they do this?

Why do they believe that they are wanted and special when their ever move is calculated to preserve the discovery and prevent hurting the BS and everyone but them.

That’s why the OW/AP is so dangerous. They are so gullible and not smart enough and are willing to be the best #2.

9 comments posted: Sunday, April 28th, 2024

Can’t fight the nagging feeling

I keep feeling that I’m missing out. I feel like my fWH got 18 months of a fling and romance even if it was a crappy one. He got to feel the feels of "beginnings" and "newness" and discovery" when he cheated.

I want some of that too I think. I actually feel like I am getting older as this trauma has aged me and made me feel heavy.

I feel like I deserve to feel something other than despair.

I don’t want to be a madhatter but I’m feeling like I got the short end of the stick.

Will this go away?

11 comments posted: Tuesday, April 23rd, 2024

How does your WS describe the AP/affair itself after healing?

Throughout this reconciliation process my husband has described the entire affair differently and the further away from it , the more he does the work, the more descriptive he’s become with describing his mind space at the time.

He once described it and I had a nightmare about it.

He described the affair once as just a series of finding a dark alley to pee in. He described it another time like a hotdog eating contest except you didn’t want to be in the contest—you have to dip it in water sometimes you eat the bun and the dog but you have to switch it up to be able to eat more. Afterwards you realize the only way to feel better is to shut but you end up shi*ting on everything.

He described her as a cheap bottle of whiskey you hide in the alley crawl space.

Much better than the first days after DDay when he said she made him feel like a man and she was always super sweet and nice and agreeable and easygoing.

15 comments posted: Tuesday, March 19th, 2024

Do you struggle with biting your tongue?

I could destroy my fWS with my comments and retorts.

We were just discussing an issue he has at the office. He is being very strategic and trying to do what’s best for all parties involved and not just his department’s self interest.

I just glared at him and held my comments.

I just got pissed off. Not only is it that he’s unaware of how it is just a reminder that he is capable of thinking of others but it reminds me that I am restraining myself and deciding NOT to be destructive with my actions.

And we were having a great morning.

24 comments posted: Thursday, March 7th, 2024

Double edged sword for me

After Dday I looked back on in my husband’s phone and saw that months before he was looking up and book marked "How to end an affair and save your marriage" type of pages.

It’s one thing that I know has kept me in the ring with him. However as reassuring as it is (and reassuring isn’t quite the correct word) he didn’t end it. I discovered it before he ended it.

I am always hurt that he didn’t end it.

Do you have any discoveries after DDay like this?

9 comments posted: Sunday, March 3rd, 2024

Underground

Did your fWS go underground after Dday 1? How did they go underground? How did you find out? Do you think it was just the addiction withdrawal?

7 comments posted: Saturday, March 2nd, 2024

Robbed of the Pure stuff

I ruined a Valentine’s Day moment.

I am hyper vigilant and highly sensitive when things seem off since the discovery December 2019. Husband is doing the work and I haven’t had any confirmation in years. I have all passwords, access to phone records VAR and other means to check. Nothing has been confirmed in years.

So Valentine’s Day morning, my husband was acting strangely near his nightstand. I immediately said he must be waiting for me to get out oh the room so he can quickly text her. So I left the bedroom and came back quickly. He seemed to be still kinda milling around oddly. So I did left quickly again and returned and still he seemed odd. So I just asked "what are you doing"? He started walking to the bathroom and said getting ready. So I reached for his phone and shoved it in his face and said "you need this?"

He looked heartbroken. He walked over to the nightstand and said he was reaching for this. He pulled out a Tiffany box and said Happy Valentines Day honey. Kissed me and hugged me. He said he wanted to have the box sitting on my pillow when I returned from making our lunches. He then told me I have his whole heart and I never have to worry about him effing up again. Kissed me again and went on to take a shower.

I want to let my guard down but I just don’t think I can.

Anyway- please tell me pure moments eventually return without that destructive film of the fear of betrayal.

9 comments posted: Friday, February 16th, 2024

Suicide

I read somewhere that an affair is what a person does instead of committing suicide. It stopped me in my tracks. Has anyone read that? It makes sense because if you think about it a lot of suicides are not really about dying it’s really about escaping pain.

I am sometimes concerned during the lows of the aftermath that he goes back to that place of such regret and self loathing that he might consider it. Really the pain from infidelity is so great I never realized that the WS is also suffering.

I typed in another post this sentiment:

It’s strange to see someone you love faulter like this even separate from how devastating it was for me. It hurts me to know how much insecurity he had that I was unaware of.

Do you ever get overwhelmed by the knowing your spouse was in such a low place that they were in desperation and depression and chose to self destruct? Like literally, it was really about them, not your marriage, not you- it was about their life and them wanting to end it as it was.

I hate when I’m empathetic toward my fWH.🫤

26 comments posted: Thursday, February 15th, 2024

What is the universe doing?

The AP’s name is in every show or her "look" is everywhere let alone infidelity is in every show.

But the name - which isn’t popular is everywhere. I mean- this is how crazy it’s getting- I was on a fashion website shopping for dresses, these dresses a labeled with female names, and the first dress of course is the AP’s name!

The Devil is really active.

Why is this happening?

5 comments posted: Friday, February 9th, 2024

Is your fws a narcissist?

I’m starting to think mine is and this is a losing battle. Thoughts?

11 comments posted: Saturday, February 3rd, 2024

Regret

We were watching old school game show Tattle Tales and the question was
Does you spouse say they regret the things they did or the things they didn’t do.

I asked my husband and he said he regrets the things he didn’t do. He regrets not effing up and cheating but I think it’s better to regret things he did do. But he says it’s not healthy.

What are your thought?

2 comments posted: Sunday, January 28th, 2024

Setting a trap

Has anyone ever set a trap for their WS to see if they are truly healing/healed and a safe partner? If so how did you do it?

23 comments posted: Sunday, January 21st, 2024

NC and personality changes

NC is necessary to stop the affair. I get that and wouldn’t have it any other way but it’s not how I normally handle things.

I feel like it gives the AP the sense that they are so desired, that the WS’s attraction to them and what they had is too strong that any interaction would be so explosive -they can never interact. 😑

All my dating life I had never been concerned about any other woman. When I was dating I was never concerned about putting restrictions on the person I was with and never felt a need to compete. (Still don’t compete)

Since the affair though the NC is a necessity. I hate that I impose that rule. I liked when my bfs were free to choose me and chose me.

Does it make sense? I miss the part of me that didn’t care about other people. I don’t like thinking of other women as possibly having low morals and that I should be cautious because apparently my husband had that gene too.

So much has changed about my personality and the way I see the world.🥺

5 comments posted: Saturday, January 20th, 2024

Struggling

When do you stop asking the same questions? I am caught between asking clarifying questions that he can’t really provide a satisfactory answer for and taking the win.

What I mean is this for example-

There was an event right before DDAY 1 when he did some crap like stay out late. It was the wee hours of Thanksgiving. I’m assuming it was to spend a holiday with her. But days prior he had been on a work trip and talk to her for hours. Then no contact for 10 days before Thanksgiving and then the lies and staying out with a friend.


I want to know if he was telling her that he was going to end it with me or what.

He says he broke up with her in the long conversation but then felt like he could still have sex with her occasionally and seeing her for Thanksgiving would keep her on a string.

I don’t know why I accepted that answer but I don’t. My husband says he doesn’t know what to do when he tells me the truth and I don’t believe him.

Why do I want or need more than that crappy answer?

He tells me that I’ll never understand it because he doesn’t understand why he did all the things knowing he never planned on leaving.

A part of me feels like I’m beating a dead horse and I should just take the win as he’s been working diligently on himself/us for 4 years now and nothing new.

Why do I get stuck with some details? Is this painshopping?

11 comments posted: Monday, January 8th, 2024

Practicing gratitude

This is really hard for me. It is one of my resolutions to practice gratitude. When it comes to my FWH I find it difficult to feel grateful for him now without feeling like an idiot knowing what he did.

Anyone else feel that way?

6 comments posted: Sunday, January 7th, 2024

Unattracted

This recovery keeps revealing things I’d rather not have known.

My husband seems to have been living a lie and pretending to be this strong capable person and apparently I thought I was a strong capable person until this affair busted open the door to all of these unattractive traits.

WH
He made me feel like I was married to a self confident loyal friend with benefits. 🥰 I thought our foundation was strong and that he was this go getter that had everything under control.

Yet he cheated. And get this— he then pretended to be this sane person to the AP except he added a tablespoon of being a victim on top of it.

NOW do you want to know what I found out? Do you want to know what his mid life crisis revealed??? Now that he’s "sharing" he says he’s frightened a lot. He says he’s insecure more often than he says. He’s trying never to lie again so now when we have discussions these feelings come out. And when I look at him in disbelief like "who is this dude?" It makes him feel like he was right to lie and hide these feelings because if he had revealed them to me when we were dating I would never have married him.

And he’s right. This dude is unattractive and weak and I would have decided he wouldn’t be able to sustain me in the role of husband. And he didn’t because he eventually cheated.

So he’s betrayed me long before the affair because he had lied about what was happening inside of him and he wasn’t revealing any of the things going on inside him. I was married to someone he was pretending to be all along. It got harder to keep up the facade with me.

27 comments posted: Saturday, December 23rd, 2023

I googled AP email address

Can anyone tell me what this means?

I don’t know why but I email the AP’s email address and it pulled up some weird site.

First of all it says untitled and then it’s a bunch of letters and symbols but it looks like a something. So I click the link and the gibberish disappears but then one turned into a website that says meetsanddates and the other one says romanticdates like it’s a website but it just goes blank and doesn’t pull anything up.

I’ve googled my own and it doesn’t pull that up and I did a few others but nothing,

Why do you think it is? Was she an escort who also worked at my husbands office building? This is weird.

10 comments posted: Tuesday, December 12th, 2023

Obsessed

I am sad to admit that I have been obsessed with the OW since DDAY. I believe that I probably think about her more than my WH even during the affair. Everyday it is with me.

Recently I saw that she was finally dating someone.

My goal since DDay was always revenge and annihilation. I am currently obsessing over the new person’s name to find out more about him.

What will I do with her new BF’s name? I have no idea. But I don’t want her to feel one millisecond of contented love or safety…..ever.

I get to see my husband’s suffering up close and personal but I feel like she got away Scott free.

I want her to lose everything like I did.


I am having a low moment and I realize there is something inherently wrong with my wanting to destroy her and I am keenly aware that it is counterproductive to my healing process——-
But this is the cancer that I contracted from she and my FWH.

Has anyone had a taste of revenge? How did you get rid of it? What did you imagine doing?

Will I wake up one day and realize I haven’t thought about the AP in a long time?

21 comments posted: Thursday, November 30th, 2023

Movie Tv Shows suggestions

It’s hard for us to watch tv shows because apparently infidelity is required for most shows.

We were watching The Gilded Age and enjoying it….and it got triggery. But I worked through it and enjoy it.

Anyone enjoying a not triggering show?

5 comments posted: Tuesday, November 21st, 2023

Selective empathy

Did your WS feel cruel when they initiated NC? And did you think to yourself how in the world could you feel guilty about NC when in fact if you had a guilty bone in your body you wouldn’t have ever contacted the AP!

I’m getting upset just thinking about my husband saying in a therapy session that he felt like a bad person doing NC so abruptly but was able to cheat for 18 months!🤬

1 comment posted: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023

First Straw or Last Straw

Not sure if I’m allowed to ask this here but I’m going to and if it gets deleted I’ll find another forum.

Are you divorcing because o initial cheating discovered from one person or are you divorcing because it was false reconciliation and your W never stopped cheating or did they years later go back to cheating with the same AP?

7 comments posted: Monday, November 6th, 2023

What do you do in these situations?

Today I’m having a triggery day. I had to leave my husband at home alone without surveillance and I had anxiety. I tried to think positive and say to myself there is no need you haven’t found anything in years what’s the likelihood today is the day he’ll do something?

So I didn’t check or call 100 times. They say it’s supposed to eventually feel better to not check but I feel horrible.

Every part of me wants to let him know that I e had a bad day but it will only serve to make him feel bad and I really won’t feel better.
Whenever I feel like this and get triggered I have a wave of resentment come over me and I hate it and become angry that I even have these feeling at all and I blame him!

What do you do with the pain anxiety and discomfort you feel after years? Do you keep it to yourself? If so what do you do then? Wallow? Say affirmations?

What’s your philosophy about sharing with the WS if you’re reconciled?

Some days, like right now, I just want to cry until I fall asleep.

I’m trying really hard to move on and live in a different reality but I’m still triggered and it’s like it just happened though it’s approaching 4 years.

16 comments posted: Wednesday, November 1st, 2023

Online support groups

I am not soliciting or promoting any in person/virtual support groups. I hope this is not against guidelines.

Have any of you tried virtual support groups? I tried one I think through BAN but I’m not actually sure because I only did it live once. My best friend is a WS and she has sent me so many support group numbers and resources I honestly don’t remember which one it was. Forgive me.

Anyway, when I attended online, I was by myself not with my husband and they allowed me to just listen. I felt really alone as they were all much older than me and all of a different race. I just didn’t connect and haven’t been back.

Are any of you in any other support groups either in person or virtual? Or do you attend meetings surrounding infidelity? Have you found them useful?

Sometimes I feel like I just need to talk to other betrayeds but I don’t always want to type the entire story out.

I don’t think my husband is a sex addict and I didn’t grow up with an Alcoholic in my home so the Adult Children of Alcoholic parents and groups like that aren’t quite right.

My BFF a few is in a 12 step program she swears by for love addicts. I think I need a group.

7 comments posted: Monday, October 16th, 2023

For BS who interacted with AP.

How did it happen? Do you regret it? What did you WS do?

30 comments posted: Sunday, October 15th, 2023

Certainly not the first time this has been asked but:

Do any of you know you will never trust again or stop checking to make sure the affair hasn’t started up again?

I know I will never trust anyone fully again I also know that even though I love my FWH I will never stop checking up behind him.

I’m sure it’s not healthy but if I’m completely honest with myself I know this to be the absolute truth.

He’s been clean as far as me checking and yes I know you can’t be completely sure -but it offers a false sense of security.

He asks me if any of the work he’s doing even matters to me if he can never be new in my eyes.
He’s not asking me to hurry up so it’s not a toxic wayward response—- it’s actually a good question.

I want to believe in renewal and that he could be a changed man—- but if he could do the things he did before I can’t put anything past him - you are forever different in my eyes.

30 comments posted: Monday, October 2nd, 2023

For people who believe in both God & karma.

My problem-

I have been taught to put my trust in God and also do unto others as you would have done to you.

And then my FWH cheated on me.

I’m in pain and want to let go of my hyper vigilance and let go and let god……but I have to acknowledge that God let me be in the dark for 20 months while my husband cheated.

I also have never cheated on my husband or any partner so I know I did not deserve this betrayal.

Moving forward my beliefs must switch. I know now that God can allow me to be betrayed and no good I put out in the world assures my heart.

I just don’t know why I feel like a sacrificial lamb in my husband’s downfall and maybe he’s a better man for it now…… but I am left realizing that you can’t trust anyone and Lyon don’t always get the energy back that you put out.

My thoughts this morning.

And it’s my birthday today.

16 comments posted: Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Do they even realize how damaging their “love bombing” was?

The love bombing during the affair before DDAY makes it so hard to believe the "I love you’s" of today.

When they rewrite history about us and our marriage to their AP, they are actually rewriting their own identity in our hearts. 😭

5 comments posted: Friday, June 9th, 2023

The Lies they believe

Here’s what I realized:

The AP is full of sh*t! They try to pretend that there were problems in your marriage before they entered…..

Bi*%h the PROBLEM was the guy talking to you!
It wasn’t at all a red flag that a man approaching you to break a covenant to the person he loves in front of all the people he loves is a LIAR? How do you believe anything he says?

The problem I have is that if a man walked up to them and said-

"Hey I think you’d make me feel handsome and powerful let’s go rob a bank every week and buy crack with the money we steal and smoke it."

Would the OW say to herself "oh there must be bad people in his life making him unhappy- I’ll do this for him to help him be happy?"

Nope she’d see him as crazy going through something and not healthy.

Also, they tell themselves-

"He must love me he keeps breaking all these rules to be with me and making time to sneak and come see me!"

Nope- he’s sneaking around to not let the person he really loves find out! He doesn’t want anyone to know so he keeps everything a secret!

Since when does ANYONE who is proud of something keep that which they are proud of secret?!?! People want you to see the things they work hard for and value-

You are a secret - and many secrets are things that people are ashamed of and people have negative emotions attached to. You are hidden to protect you from the things that are valuable do as not to tarnish them.

These concepts just literally hit me in the face as I stumbled across a video on you tube of the OW explaining that there were already problems in the marriage if he was out looking for her.

Nope you can’t know that it was the marriage——and then I said just like it wasn’t about who this OW is—-she could’ve been anyone who would listen to the lies. The problem in the marriage was the WS!!!!

It’s been 3 years and even though you know this stuff sometimes you have a moment of clarity and YOU GET IT!

It just happened to me. Lol

What realizations and discoveries finally sunk in for you???

5 comments posted: Monday, June 5th, 2023

Death in comparisons

"If you keep putting what I’ve been doing everyday since up against what I did then you will never see who I am becoming now"

So my fWH said this to me. And I know he’s right. I have not been a person to forgive and forget and until recently I thought I didn’t hold grudges.

This predicament has shown me that when people disappoint me I have always just cut them off and pulled back but I’ve never ever really forgave anyone in my life.

I don’t want to be the type of person that makes a person feel like I won’t let them grow and become new again and learn from their past. But I find that no gesture/ no grow my fwh does stands alone without me seeing all he did during the affair.

It’s like he’s a kid that builds me something and wants me to know that it’s from his heart and I love it at first but then I start to dissect it and check it out while saying..” I’m checking to make sure it’s really your authentic design and that you didn’t steal it because the last time you gave me something fake and told me it was real.”

I compare everything he is doing now with what he did during the affair. I’ve become toxic and I don’t like myself much lately.

Can anyone relate?🤷🏽‍♀️

7 comments posted: Thursday, May 25th, 2023

You can’t even take this?!?!

So I had my birthday after DD. My husband paid for it. It was at a place I selected. I became fast friends with the owner of the space.

He is gay and the reason I mention it is to add context and to show we were not romantically connected but kindred spirits like two long lost friends who love fashion and pretty things.

My husband became immediately jealous of our friendship and connection.

One photograph opp I wanted had sparklers involved. When my friend was trying to coordinate everyone people were kinda drunk and not listening especially my FWH so he got a little irritated with my husband who said something rude.

My husband is still upset with me for siding with my friend and saying he was trying to get the photo.

My FWH is hurt because he feells like I sided with him instead of my husband. I preferred his view of the situation. I excused my friend’s negative behavior.

Can you all IMAGINE?!?!?! Me merely saying my friend was justified in getting Upset felt like a violation and his feelings are hurt!?!?! (Typed this without reading glasses on)

But you slept with an AP and told her you loved her and I’m supposed to get over that?!?

Is your FWS this sensitive?


🤦🏽‍♀️🤔🤨

6 comments posted: Friday, May 12th, 2023

Too good of a liar- Too low of a lowlife

The fact that my husband lied so well for so long and the fact that the OW would accept any little crumb that came their way makes ever trusting my husband again. Lose to impossible. She was so low and desperate I can’t ever trust that depths she’ll go for the crumbs he could provide her —so I’m always turning over stones.

I still check everything and even when I don’t find anything to me there’s no relief in that - I just feel like I haven’t discovered it yet- I have to keep looking.

I have even resorted to flying on business trips with him even if it’s only for a day because I feel like he could still fly her in.

My husband knows I’m never going to stop searching and he’s fine with it but says he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to be seen a different way by me again.

He destroyed that- and while I never knew a person could endure what I’ve been putting him through I still know what he’s capable of.

I didn’t sign up to marry a betrayer and here I am married to one. He hates when I say this but I say this to him

"You didn’t know it at the time but while you were rewriting our history you were erasing yourself as the person I loved unconditionally- you rewrote yourself and this is the role you’re in now.

I tell him I’m not like him- I can’t make someone better than they are like you did the affair partner.

Anyway I know it’s harsh but I’m not evolved enough yet.

Are you past the stage where you can see past the WS’ lies and just love them flaws and all? Are you at a place of not believing at any moment you will catch them doing something?

9 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

What was AP left believing?

This is a fear of mine and I’m afraid to ask.

Did you believe that your WS gave the AP the impression when they ended things that the reason had more to do with your kids and family and not wanting to harm them versus choosing you as the spouse again and that they were still willing to make your marriage work?

I hate the thought that the AP might still feel like she still has his heart but he’s staying out of obligation. Do you believe that your WS left the AP with that gift and if so how do you live with it? I hate the idea that he’d leave her with any shred of dignity or anything to treasure.

23 comments posted: Saturday, May 6th, 2023

What they need to hear now?

What do you feel as a BS your WS needs to hear now as they heal from what they did to us?

I ask because I realize just how damaged my WH was from childhood and that it takes a broken person to do what they did.

Th complexities of reconciliation is overwhelming.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 25th, 2023

Going from being unaware and innocent to believing anything is possible. Sigh

Has this happened to you since you discovered the affair?

I went from being oblivious to my WH cheating or even thinking it was possible to believing he could be cheating in the most ridiculous scenarios.

For example:
I’m traveling with him on a business trip. He’s really busy but I am still checking his location which is in the same hotel I’m in but now I’m thinking he could be meeting people in their rooms to have sex or that he could very well have the AP in a hotel room somewhere so I’m
Constantly video chatting.

Being betrayed is a mindf*#k

14 comments posted: Friday, February 3rd, 2023

Considering emdr. Can you share your experience?

Please share your experience with EMDR.

5 comments posted: Thursday, February 2nd, 2023

Will I ever be free?

I live with a feeling that something is being hidden from me all the time.

I always triple check and try to catch my fwh in a lie…. I haven’t caught him.

But I live like I will and I just want to catch it before I’m blindsided.

All the lying….all the steps taken by both parties to lie to me…..I’m just so doubtful and untrusting. I don’t think I could trust someone new either. It’s been 3 years now and none of my surveillance has found anything. Still I live waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I hate it here.

Will I ever be free?

10 comments posted: Tuesday, January 31st, 2023

I really need Advice.

Before my WS and I were married I had a few amazing experiences with other men that my WS was around for. We’ve know each other since I was 19.

Anyway, I dated an actor a few times over a summer. And I went on a few dates with an entertainer who I went to see a few times. (He sent for me)

I LOVE this singer’s music- we slept together a few times.

My WS doesn’t like him of course and I never play his music anymore.

Fast forward and my husband has an affair.

This performer is coming to town and I want to
Go to the concert. Before WS’s affair I would have just not even considered it.

I want to go and I feel that FWH should have nothing to say but part of his mindset during the affair was that he was insecure about me and my looks and attention I’ve always gotten from the opposite sex.

I wouldn’t sit close where he could see me (I doubt he’d even remember) and I would promise not to go back stage.

I’m curious how you think this would impact reconciliation.

13 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023

I wish you lived near me.

I am so grateful for you all here.
It’s so lonely not being able to talk about the affair with people who have been through this.

You all comment and I feel visible.

I wish you all lived down the street from me so we could meet and share our stories together and support each other.

Do you all appreciate and cherish this place as much as I do?

I hope to be helpful to others one day too. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I especially appreciate the WS who answer questions 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

4 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023

Release or hold it in?

For those BS and FWS I have a dilemma-

We are reconciling. My husband is doing the work. The real hard work. Ie because AP works one street over from him, I told him I would not feel comfortable with him leaving the office at all for lunch. So it’s been almost a year and he doesn’t. If he feels the need for lunch he calls me and I come down. He also sends me itinerary and makes all work trips day trips or he brings me with.


However whenever I’m triggered I want to tell him exactly what I know and how hurtful what he did was. For example,

On our anniversary a few months before discovery in the morning I had Alexa play a list of songs for him with the main one being a pop song by Rihanna that says I’m the only girl
In the world. Cute song ——

Well I now know that he was having the affair when I dedicated that song to him and I also know he CALLED the AP to say hello on his dog walk.

So the song comes on and it makes me sick to my stomach that he listened to me make a fool of myself. It meant nothing to him.

There are love songs that used to remind me of my love for him but since the affair I feel disgusted by them.


BS how do you handle these triggers even when the WS is working hard you want them to know how awful what they did was and dirty and deceptive and evil it was. Do you release it or hold it on?

WS what does it do to you when your spouse triggers and want to share it to you?

When I ask my husband- "Do you know how horrible you were and how hurtful the things you did were!" He says yes and that is why he’s working so hard to make me know he is safe and it will never happen again.

13 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023

Do you joke, tease, and have any laughter about the AP or affair?

I know this is probably weird as heck but my husband and I have always used our humor and sarcasm during difficult times to ease pain.

I want to use it a bit now while we’re reconciling but there is still a quite a bit of pain left.

Here’s how I put sarcasm into a recent situation - my humor tried to enter….

My husband was cleaning and sweeping and he swept up something so dusty we couldn’t make out what it was- he said "what does this eff’d up POS look like?"

I responded with his AP’s name.

We both laughed but the fact that he’s embarrassed and ashamed could be seen on his face.

Do you all joke?

40 comments posted: Thursday, January 12th, 2023

How did you evict the AP from your brain?

My FWH’s AP is CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND!😫

Not a day goes by when she isn’t.

You all always advise us to stop allowing the AP to live rent free in your brain but how did you evict them?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

This may Trigger other BS. Warning

The holidays are full of triggers for me which is why I have been posting so much. I google search so many things to try to feel "safe" trusting my husband again.

Unfortunately I came upon a website that supports the OW. When I started reading it I burst out into tears.

So many of those women are waiting on the side for YEARS! They go further underground willingly many times with the wife believing they are in NC!😫😫😫😫

They are of the mindset that in order to keep their Married men they have to be quiet and deny and not make problems!!!

How am I ever supposed to feel secure with women like these who are willfully going further underground and happily still seeing married men who tell them they will never leave their wives?!?! They do one times re surface years later!!

Please someone help me not bug my husband and have him under surveillance.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Something that I don’t understand about Wayward triggers and how a BS deals with them

I keep reading replies where they refer to "triggers" on both sides. What does a WS trigger about and why should a BS care? I know darned well that I need to care but really why should I care if my FWH triggers?!

What kinds of triggers are you talking about?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

Help please- Business Travel dilemma

So since deciding to reconcile in 2020 we have not spent a night alone. He is doing the work 100%. He is doing so well with his focus on us and other areas of his life that he was given a huge promotion. Increased business travel. 😫

So his last 2 trips I was with him. This trip is a fly out on the 5th leave early morning on the 7th. He sends me the schedule but lets me know he arranged to leave out on the 6th instead because he knows how I’d feel.

I want to attend even though we’ll be on another business trip in February. Really- it doesn’t make sense to do it but a part of me doesn’t want him to be able to talk on the phone with her or to fly her up. Even though I don’t believe there is any communication at all travel triggers fear.

I think in my heart if I allowed him to go without me it would make him feel better and honestly my brain thinks it would be better to not hover and police him. But I’m just so afraid.

How did resuming travel and a longer rope impact your recovery/reconciliation?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Questions after reading Beyond Remorse and Regret post

I am a BS and very concerned about my FWH. As I read the Remorse post I realized there were similarities.

My FWH has so much remorse that he puts me first all the time and it’s stifling and kind of scary because I think his affair may have had an aspect of " I’m doing something just for me to be selfish".

He doesn’t go outside for lunch when he’s at work because that’s when he would see AP who works a block away. This is at my request. He reduced work dinners and I now travel with him when he needs to travel for work. Also my request which he says he enjoys.

He’s being very transparent but it doesn’t build trust in me for him. I WILL NEVER fully trust him again and I’ll forever double check anything he tells me and verify every thing he says.

He seems to like to keep proving how dedicated he is now and how he is determined to make up for all the damage he caused…. But to me I feel Insecure because it seems like a formula for building up resentment.

It’s a constant conflict in my heart because I want him to feel like he can be enough for me and make me happy again - I never realized how much he felt insecure about me and our relationship. He had been intimidated by former relationships I had with other men.

I don’t want him to stop trying to make up to me for all the horrible things he did BUT I ALSO don’t want the pressure of always seeming like this pain can subside by fulfilling tasks and putting me first in his mind. Does it make sense?

By him being the doting husband who is devoted and all about me and our future - I like it and it is sincere but I feel like he thinks I’m going to be filled up and repaired by his actions. It’s hard for me to tell him that YES what you did destroyed BUT your actions alone can’t heal me. I’m not in a transactional relationship with you. I AM STILL unhappy and no amount of changed behavior or present day loyalty and devotion is filling the chasm left by the betrayal……at least not yet.

How can I keep encouraging him yet make him stop thinking he can repair my heart by doing what he’s doing?

I try to tell him that I’m working on healing myself and besides loyalty he can’t just do everything right and I’ll be healed instantly.

I told him to stop treating me like I’m the AP who you could by a trinket and make it up to me!

3 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Tis the season to be triggered fa La La La La …

How do you handle tough seasons?

This season I tough for me because I found phone records when I didn’t know he was having an affair where he spent hours on the phone with her when he was away at work on 11/16. He came home and took the next day off to be with me. We fought and argued and he seemed unsatisfied with me and acted strangely. I couldn’t understand it. In retrospect I realize he was probably deciding to end it with her but was looking to me to provide those same kind of limerance sparks but couldn’t feel them and turned on me.

He didn’t call her for until Thanksgiving about 10 days later but lied to me about seeing friends who were in town for the holiday. The friend was just a lie so that he could give her Thanksgiving eve and day. 😡 she didn’t want to spend another holiday alone and this is what he gave her.

Whenever I’m reminded of the lies he told to me to keep her happy tge more I hate him. Yes he was trying to end it…..but he didn’t. I found out in December 11. He ended it then and went back in January and she ended it February because he told her he’d never leave me and that he loved me……

It’s so hurtful. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this time of year.

How do you handle your "triggery season?"

14 comments posted: Friday, November 18th, 2022

When the side chick seems to be winning in media.

These last few months I’ve been triggered by stuff in media. The Queen’s death and the Royal Side Chick Camilla possibly being named Wueen.The coach of the Boston Celtics cheating on his beautiful wife at the job getting suspended because of it is probably going to lose his job….. his face and his wife’s face is all over the news but somehow the side chick was anonymous for weeks.

Is anyone else triggered by these events? Does it bring up stuff for you and make you go down a rabbit whole of what we’re you thinking with your WS?

4 comments posted: Sunday, October 9th, 2022

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