Newest Member: DrowningZombie


Mental images during intimate times - how do you stop them?


Wow, Christmas was tricky. I managed to make it all about the kids and knowing that they had a great time was enough.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that I am not the only one that experiences this but I wanted to ask if you have any ideas on how to lessen them or how long they go on for. During intimate times with my WH I inevitably end up with images of him doing whatever we are doing but with the AP.

Thanks, as ever, for all of your advice. You have all been a real support for me.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Lost faith in stuff that used to mean a lot

It's nearly 9 months since DDay. I wondered if anyone else feels like things that used to mean a lot to them no longer seem to matter?

My WH and I are reconciling. I think it may be the run up to Christmas and the thoughts of present buying but I have found that a number of things that I used to hold dear in a sentimental way I can't really believe in now. WH wanted to buy me some jewelry for a gift but I had to say that honestly these sort of things mean nothing to me now. I used to think that someone would have to cut my finger off before I would remove my wedding ring but now I really only keep it on to avoid the inevitable questions if I took it off.

I know that he was asked by the AP to take his wedding ring off when they were together and I have no doubt that this has played a big part in how I feel.

I was watching Enchanted with my daughter a couple of weeks ago. I used to get the warm fuzzy feelings at the end of films like this but now I just have this commentary in my head saying what a load of BS it all is. I don't want my kids thinking that everyone will let them down but that is how I feel. Don't believe the love S*** because there is always a lie hidden in there somewhere.

Sorry folks.....not a very Merry Christmas message.

18 comments posted: Friday, December 2nd, 2022

I have OW's number

So, I have OW's number.

It's been 6 months since DDay. The only reason I haven't attempted to contact her before now is the worry that she will do/post something that will mean my children/family find out what happened.

Why am I so convinced that contacting her will do any good? I honestly have no idea. My logical and (vaguely) sensible side knows that she will either blank/block me or just lie. How can have any belief that she will tell me anything to help or indeed anything that is truthful?

I want to know what was said about me and my family. WH says that it was a no go area and they never spoke about me. I don't know how this can be the case with someone you are having a 'relationship' with for 5 months. I want to know how OW could live with herself knowing full well from the start that WH was married with 4 kids. Did she really think that she would end up with a happy ever after when he had told her that he would never leave his family?

Did she think that when she told him she loved him and he said the same that it was real? My perceptions of love have certainly changed since DDay but did she really think that going home to the wife at the weekends was love...?

Has anyone ever contacted the AP and they have shown any kind of remorse? I am thinking that it is very rare.

Need to get this rabbit hole out of head.

21 comments posted: Monday, September 26th, 2022

Weird jealous...

I don't know if anyone else has felt the same as me. Over the last few months I have realised that part of my anger towards my WH is that he got to have the excitement of an affair. It's not just the betrayal that I hate (although I do genuinely HATE the AP). He got to feel desired, attractive and experience the 'escapism' that was part of the temptation (according to him) and I got PTSD!
I have never said this out loud but I am jealous of this. I would like to feel desired and attractive and maybe like to escape but all I got was the shakes and to feel quite the opposite. I know full well that even if I did have the opportunity to do what he did in between work, children, house and (currently) my insane spiral thoughts that I probably wouldn't. Not only because I actually meant my wedding vows but also I wouldn't dream of potentially messing up my children's world.

This doesn't stop that little bit of the anger that belongs to this weird slant on my jealousy.

Don't know if this is normal.........I have lost sight of any type of normality just now.

13 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Just need to hear from people who understand...

I am very new to all of this but I don't have anyone else to talk to. On the 10th March my husband told me that he had been (as he put it) involved with another woman for 5 months. Involved meant that whilst he was working away Monday to Friday and staying at the pub that she ran they started a relationship. Since then he has not been in contact with her and no longer works away. I am sure that you all know what I felt and experienced straight afterwards, the shakes, not able to sleep, eat or concentrate and the start of obsessive looks at her social media and hatching various different revenge plans.
My gut feeling was that I didn't want him to leave. We have 4 kids and one was just about to take their exams so NOTHING was going to disrupt their happiness and lives. It wasn't just this though........I loved him more than anything, he was my dream man and I thought that the 20 years that we had been together was pretty much as good as it gets. I was utterly convinced that he would never cheat partly because this is what his dad did to his mom and he saw what this did to her. I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
He has never said anything other than it being his wrongdoing. He tells me that I am perfect and beautiful and never did anything wrong. One day I might believe this but so far I can't. He has answered all of the horrible, uncomfortable and hurtful questions and understands that there are things that I need to know to get even close to fixing what has been broken.
I have never told anyone and so to the rest of our world everything is just fine. I have been congratulated on my weight loss...if only they knew what the cause was. I have started drinking again (I didn't drink for years), not to excess but to begin with to try and help me to sleep. It certainly helps with the times when I need to ask him about the various details of what happened.
So this is why I am here, writing this. I have read loads of stuff from people that just ended it all and feel strong and have a whole new life but I need to hear from people who decided to stick with it. It is easier now than 6 months ago but I still think about it so much throughout my day. Do you ever have a day when you don't think about it? Am I weak for not breaking up? Was this just the easy option? Did any of you actually talk to the other woman/man? Was it worth it?
Thank you to SI for being here and creating a place for me and everyone to feel like they are not alone.

14 comments posted: Friday, September 16th, 2022

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