One year since DDay and in a fog.
Hello lovely people,
Today marks one year since my WH asked he if we could have a talk and, having told me that he had been having an affair for 5 months, made my faith in him, marriage, trust and some of the bedrocks of my life crumble away.
Honestly, I have no idea where I would have thought I would be if you had asked me twelve months ago. There are a lot of things that I feel amazing about because of what I now know I can cope with and the lengths that I will go to for my children. I made the decision to tell no one as I didn't want any disruption for my children, especially my oldest son who was about to take his exams. A year on and I have told, in total, 4 people. My good friend that I see every day at school has been a great help. Just to have someone asking if I'm OK and knowing what is going on in my head. I told my boss (who has known me for 20+ years) as I knew full well that there would be days that I was going to be a mess at my desk. About 9 months in, I told my oldest friend. This was tricky as I knew that she would potentially think that I was crazy for not kicking him out. I know that this is part of the reason that I kept it all secret. I feel ashamed for not being the kick-ass super strong female that threw his arse out the door and got a divorce and I maybe didn't want this realised by other people telling me so. Lastly, about two weeks ago I told another friend that I see every week at my daughter's club. She was absolutely shocked and stunned as she said that we give the impression of 'Loves young dream'........I must be a very accomplished actress, nominate me for an Oscar!
Anyway, I maybe thought that I would feel more like I have done exactly the right thing a year on but the truth is that I have no idea. Who knows what will happen in the months and years to come. What I do know is that I will do whatever it takes for my kids. Before this all happened WH was always the priority and we all made sure that he was happy. Now, if he is happy, good for him but this isn't top of my list to achieve. Top of my list are my four kids and MYSELF. I can't control what he decides to do. He has done all that has been asked of him in these last twelve months but I will never feel the adoration that I felt before and I will never feel assured that we are going to last forever.
I guess this is our reconciliation. There will not be soft-focus, tweeting birds and red roses. I have lost my rose-tinted glasses but gained a suit of armour. He has seen the trauma that he caused and tells me that he will never forget this. This betrayal fog hangs around for a long time folks but we are all more than we thought we could be just by carrying on day to day.
5 comments posted: Friday, March 10th, 2023
Mental images during intimate times - how do you stop them?
Wow, Christmas was tricky. I managed to make it all about the kids and knowing that they had a great time was enough.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that I am not the only one that experiences this but I wanted to ask if you have any ideas on how to lessen them or how long they go on for. During intimate times with my WH I inevitably end up with images of him doing whatever we are doing but with the AP.
Thanks, as ever, for all of your advice. You have all been a real support for me.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, January 11th, 2023
Lost faith in stuff that used to mean a lot
It's nearly 9 months since DDay. I wondered if anyone else feels like things that used to mean a lot to them no longer seem to matter?
My WH and I are reconciling. I think it may be the run up to Christmas and the thoughts of present buying but I have found that a number of things that I used to hold dear in a sentimental way I can't really believe in now. WH wanted to buy me some jewelry for a gift but I had to say that honestly these sort of things mean nothing to me now. I used to think that someone would have to cut my finger off before I would remove my wedding ring but now I really only keep it on to avoid the inevitable questions if I took it off.
I know that he was asked by the AP to take his wedding ring off when they were together and I have no doubt that this has played a big part in how I feel.
I was watching Enchanted with my daughter a couple of weeks ago. I used to get the warm fuzzy feelings at the end of films like this but now I just have this commentary in my head saying what a load of BS it all is. I don't want my kids thinking that everyone will let them down but that is how I feel. Don't believe the love S*** because there is always a lie hidden in there somewhere.
Sorry folks.....not a very Merry Christmas message.
18 comments posted: Friday, December 2nd, 2022
I have OW's number
So, I have OW's number.
It's been 6 months since DDay. The only reason I haven't attempted to contact her before now is the worry that she will do/post something that will mean my children/family find out what happened.
Why am I so convinced that contacting her will do any good? I honestly have no idea. My logical and (vaguely) sensible side knows that she will either blank/block me or just lie. How can have any belief that she will tell me anything to help or indeed anything that is truthful?
I want to know what was said about me and my family. WH says that it was a no go area and they never spoke about me. I don't know how this can be the case with someone you are having a 'relationship' with for 5 months. I want to know how OW could live with herself knowing full well from the start that WH was married with 4 kids. Did she really think that she would end up with a happy ever after when he had told her that he would never leave his family?
Did she think that when she told him she loved him and he said the same that it was real? My perceptions of love have certainly changed since DDay but did she really think that going home to the wife at the weekends was love...?
Has anyone ever contacted the AP and they have shown any kind of remorse? I am thinking that it is very rare.
Need to get this rabbit hole out of head.
21 comments posted: Monday, September 26th, 2022
Just need to hear from people who understand...
I am very new to all of this but I don't have anyone else to talk to. On the 10th March my husband told me that he had been (as he put it) involved with another woman for 5 months. Involved meant that whilst he was working away Monday to Friday and staying at the pub that she ran they started a relationship. Since then he has not been in contact with her and no longer works away. I am sure that you all know what I felt and experienced straight afterwards, the shakes, not able to sleep, eat or concentrate and the start of obsessive looks at her social media and hatching various different revenge plans.
My gut feeling was that I didn't want him to leave. We have 4 kids and one was just about to take their exams so NOTHING was going to disrupt their happiness and lives. It wasn't just this though........I loved him more than anything, he was my dream man and I thought that the 20 years that we had been together was pretty much as good as it gets. I was utterly convinced that he would never cheat partly because this is what his dad did to his mom and he saw what this did to her. I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
He has never said anything other than it being his wrongdoing. He tells me that I am perfect and beautiful and never did anything wrong. One day I might believe this but so far I can't. He has answered all of the horrible, uncomfortable and hurtful questions and understands that there are things that I need to know to get even close to fixing what has been broken.
I have never told anyone and so to the rest of our world everything is just fine. I have been congratulated on my weight loss...if only they knew what the cause was. I have started drinking again (I didn't drink for years), not to excess but to begin with to try and help me to sleep. It certainly helps with the times when I need to ask him about the various details of what happened.
So this is why I am here, writing this. I have read loads of stuff from people that just ended it all and feel strong and have a whole new life but I need to hear from people who decided to stick with it. It is easier now than 6 months ago but I still think about it so much throughout my day. Do you ever have a day when you don't think about it? Am I weak for not breaking up? Was this just the easy option? Did any of you actually talk to the other woman/man? Was it worth it?
Thank you to SI for being here and creating a place for me and everyone to feel like they are not alone.
14 comments posted: Friday, September 16th, 2022