Here I am again, for the last time, no third chances
Hey everyone. WH and I are early 30's. Been together over a decade. Not married. No Kids.
WH had an online EA 6 years ago. We decided to R, he literally did EVERYTHING you'd expect a truly remorseful partner to do. I really thought, after 6 years, we had R'd very well.
Welp, I had a feeling.
Today I snooped in his messages and found some inappropriate chat between him and ANOTHER mutual friend. I took screenshots and confronted him. However..I kept it very vague. I didn't show him what I had, told him I wanted to talk to him about this other person, and that he had this one chance to come clean to me about everything and anything. And boy did he. Basically the exact playbook from the first EA. Inappropriate sex chats, sending nudes, masturbating together over calls, etc.
And that was it. I told him I don't give third chances, and we're going through separation. I just feel..so numb. He says he's ruined the best thing he ever had, I agreed. He said he's mentally fucked up and self-sabotages, I agreed. He's been on a wait list to see a psychologist. I suggested he still go through with it so maybe he can be a better person for whomever he ends up with next. He's been sobbing and I've been largely ignoring him.
I was colder to him than I've ever been in my life during these talks, and I've never been cold to him.
I need some guidance on what on earth I should do. We live together in an apt, share finances, share a car.
The first time the EA happened, I didn't tell a soul. Since we decided to R, I think it was a good idea. However this time..Things are different. We're splitting, and our social life is too intertwined for it to be kept under wraps. Does it matter when I tell our friends and family? We share a social media server with our friends and they're going to notice the absence.
I initially planned on telling our 3 closest friends about it tonight. Is that too soon? I'm also struggling with the fact that his friends may choose me and dump him. He is not close with his family and his friends are all he has. I still love him and hate the idea of him being left with no one.
How should I go about separating our lives? Finances, apt, car, etc..
53 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022
How to approach a gut feeling during R
EDIT: Taken care of, thank you
11 comments posted: Tuesday, November 8th, 2022
How do you get over the hate for the AP?
Does it ever go away? I've never been the kind of person to throw around the word "hate" loosely, especially not towards other people. But the AP is probably the one person I can say I..hate.
I don't enjoy feeling this way, and I think part of it stems from the fact I never really got to let loose on the AP when I found out about the A. I was young and in total shock, I even spoke KINDLY to the AP on one occasion about how they needed to tell their spouse about the A sooner rather than later because the more they waited the worse it would be. There was no name calling, no venting of my frustrations, nothing. I almost wish I could have.
What is your experience on this?
Did you get to vent at the AP about how awful they were? Did you want to, did it help?
Did you contact them later down the road to do it?
Have you told your WS about these feelings towards their AP? Does that help?
53 comments posted: Sunday, November 6th, 2022
How do you get over the hate for the AP? (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Sunday, November 6th, 2022
6 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022
Feelings hiccups in R 5 years out
Removed, thank you guys. Even one reply helps.
1 comment posted: Friday, September 30th, 2022