Newest Member: 10yearson



After the Affair book

Hi all, I haven't posted in a few weeks due to the emotional depressed gut wrenching state I've been in. I just started IC and have my 2nd appointment today. I like the therapist, she is very direct but caring, at least that is what I got from my first appointment. She recommended the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring, for myself to read and she also said it was good for my partner to read too. But as I started reading it, I really was triggered by the fact that the author uses the word "Lover" to the WP, but in this book the author states

1."I don't make blanket judgements about whether the affairs are, in themselves good or bad."

2."I don't separate the two of you into victim and victimizer, betrayed and betrayer" each of you must accept appropriate share of responsibility for what went wrong. instead of assign blame i encourage each of you to confront those parts of yourself that led to the affair and to change in ways that build trust and intimacy."
" I refer to the affair person with whom your partner had the affair as "lover" and for the hurt partner "affair person".

TRIGGERED JUST reading the INTRODUCTION. has anyone else who wants to work on their relationship read this book and found it helpful???

8 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022


So partner and I have started therapy. I go 1x biweekly IC and he goes every week IC. We go to CC biweekly. We go to same therapist.tonight was our 2nd CC session. I have never felt more lost and alone. The counselor is basically telling me to move forward and stop thinking in the past.(dday oct.9,2022) She has asked me what would confronting AP do to help. When I said to let her know how she helped play a role in ruining our relationship, my counselor said" why would she care?" Or something to the effect contacting her would be pointless. Also, she said I am acting hysterical w emotions and need to stop being triggered after I told her last night when my partner didn’t come to bed and I thought he was gone from the house I had a panic attack, she said I need to learn not to let emotions overwhelm me. And in todays session I felt like I was the one who was in the wrong not my WS. Also when he brought up the holidays and wanted to know about visiting his family in TX for Xmas, therapist said I should make a decision about holidays and think about compromise and go to see his family. Because I haven’t gone in awhile.(first off holidays are triggering for me since my own family has had issues and cut offs) ( his family has no idea he had an affair.he doesn’t want to tell anyone because his father just divorced his mother to be with HIS affair partner.) he said he’s not telling family because doesn’t want to hurt his mothers feelings ! therapist said what happened between his parents has nothing to do with us. Even though my WS had affairs JUST like his father during the period his mother was going through discovery! Apparently there is no concern or connection there. Anyways after therapy I just started bawling and got so angry at my WS. I screamed at him in the car and just cried. Then when we got home after eating I cried some more and fell asleep on the couch. I am so emotionally distraught right now. It’s like d day all over. I think I want a different therapist because I feel unheard and blamed and my WS exalted. All the advice she has given us is communicate better.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

Confronted partner

I(F 41)never thought I would be here like some bad relationship movie, but here I am. My partner of 16 years (M 44) had an affair with a woman for a year and a half and would have continued but one night I couldn’t sleep and I found texts and pics on ph while we were on vacation. I had some clues over the years but never believed he could be THAT person. He’s the "perfect guy" personality wise-intelligent, hard working, considerate, calm, rational, caring, handsome, has close ties to his family, loves kids and animals, finished a masters degree, a good boss and co worker, well traveled, quiet, loyal—- well so I thought. I trusted he could never deceive me in this way, that’s why I never questioned when he would stay over night in NYC for work occasionally before pandemic, and then this last year - playing poker every Thursday till very late with a few buddies from university. And then going to PT for his shoulder on Sundays from 11am till 4/5 pm ( he also said he was visiting his professor) I brought the evidence and confronted him very gently . I did this within a few days after discovery to figure out how to address this for myself. I wrote a letter telling him I was hurt and know about this woman her name, where she works/ schooling, number and know they went on trips together etc, but in spite of all this I want to still work on our relationship with him. He didn’t have words looked confused as I was reading my letter to him. I then asked him point blank about seeing this woman and he said yes. I then asked if she has been the only one and he said no. He had been sleeping w someone else in NYC around 2018/19. He said he did this because I fulfilled all his other needs except the sexual need, and he said theses were NSA relationships and he could have ended them any time. I admit our sex life was not good and that’s definitely truthful in our relationship, but it’s still not an excuse to cheat. So this woman I found pics/ texts of was also what he said was a NSA relationship but I told him I don’t believe that based on their texts, making dinner arrangements, spa and couples massage arrangements, vacation arrangements, buying gifts( he bought her earrings) (she bought him a shirt) , he celebrated her b day and went out to dinner w her. That to me is not NSA behavior. But when I questioned him he said he would end it and he did yesterday with a text. But I can’t believe that he wasn’t also emotionally cheating. He had bought tickets for later in the month tO go see a show at the theater before I had found out. To me it’s all premeditated romantic gestures. We had our first couples therapy session via zoom Friday. He actively is doing this. Is there hope for us?

52 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022

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