telling grown children
This past year (2022) has been the worst of my entire life. I decided to start the new year by making my husband confess his infidelities to our grown sons. I am 71 and my husband is 75. He has long COVID neurological symptoms and decided to start telling me about all of his infidelities last March. It seemed like almost every day that new little details kept creeping out. I was devastated to know that he started cheating after less than three years of marriage and continued on and off for 27 years with a dozen different women. He said he only had physical sex with three of them and that two were one-night stands. However, he used no protection which angered me knowing he endangered my health. One of these women was a nude dancer at a strip club he frequented for many years. He knew how much I hated him going to strip clubs, but my feelings meant nothing to him. The other one-night stand was also a nightclub hookup. I did know about one affair in 1990 and it took me years to move past it. He led me to believe back then that it happened only once and that was a huge lie as he has unprotected sex with her multiple times. I stayed married to him mainly because I didn't want him to cut off needed financial support for college expenses. Just when I thought we were in a good place, I found out last March that he had cheated again with a coworker in 2000. I told the boys that I am very ashamed that I remained totally faithful to a man who lied, cheated, disrespected and humiliated me for years. Now both boys know about their dad’s infidelities. He did it via email. In person would have been much better but at least he admitted the major things to them. They are both upset about it. I feel better that they both know but terrible that they are upset about it. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I’m so tired of pretending things are good between us when they have been so stressed this past year. He was a good father to them, and I reminded them of that fact. I’m hoping they can get past this and forgive him as I have. I will never forget how much he has hurt and disrespected me over the years; however, he has been wonderful since last March. I told them my list of pros outweighed the cons and I’m hopeful their list will as well. They are both very sensitive and I told them they are the best part of our marriage. I'm wondering how others feel about telling grown children about past infidelities.
5 comments posted: Saturday, January 7th, 2023
learn from my mistakes
My DD came this past winter. My husband was suffering from a COVID induced psychosis and began confessing his past infidelities. I knew about one affair in 1990 and suspected he had been unfaithful before that; however, I had no idea of the depth of his cheating. It began in 1973 when I was pregnant with our second child and continued off and on for 27 years! I thought the 1990 affair was the end, but he cheated again in 2000 with a coworker by having sex in a parking lot after going to lunch with her. He swears that was the only cheating after the affair in 1990. I thought things were good between us then and I had begun to trust him again. It took years to get over the 1990 affair. He started going to nude bars with his best friend after only two years of marriage and even fucked one of the dancers with no protection. He used no protection with the other two he fucked showing just how little he valued my health. I am a poster child for "love is blind." I trusted him completely for the first 20 years of our marriage, but the 1990 affair ended that. He was just a companion with benefits to me after that. Fast forward 52 years and he began sexting with multiple women on Facebook. When confronted, he said it was just a fantasy and he had no intention of doing anything with any of them (I do believe that). However, he saw nothing with the sexting and could not see it as cheating. I am now 71 years old and can't imagine going through a divorce. I made a list of pros and cons and my pros outweighed the cons so I chose to stay provided he owns up to the real reason for the past indiscretions. He told the other woman he didn't think I loved him and that we would probably divorce; that most certainly was NOT true. He was the one who didn't love me, and he was the one considering divorce. I told him if he could not own this, we had no future together even as companions. To those on the outside, we were the perfect Barbie and Ken marriage. He said he now understands and will live the rest of his life trying to make me happy. He has been treating me respectfully since March and I do believe he loves me; however, I can never love him again as a husband and I told him that. He destroyed every ounce of respect I ever had for him as he had deceived me for the past 50 years. My advice to you is not to wait like I did if you know the facts and your spouse continues to disrespect you. If I had known in 1990 what I know now, I would not be writing this. I would have divorced him immediately. We deserve to be loved and respected in a relationship. For me, I now have everything I would want in another companion by staying with him and I don't need to look elsewhere (at least not yet).
8 comments posted: Wednesday, November 16th, 2022
he wants to start over
Now I'm 71 and married for 52 years. I recently found out the extent of my husband's cheating after he suffered a COVID related psychosis and blurted out his past infidelities. He started cheating when I was pregnant with our second child almost 50 years ago and continued cheating off and on for 27 years. I knew about one affair in 1990 after which I put my foot down and made it clear I would not tolerate any more. He had sex with this woman on business trips to California multiple times although he had led me to believe it was a one-night stand. He even bought her a gold necklace for Christmas that year and had sex with her again in January of 1991 (I had found the receipt for the necklace on Christmas Eve). She wanted him to leave me and move to California and I really don't know why he didn't; it certainly wasn't because he loved me. After her, he admitted having sex with a coworker in 2000 when I thought things were finally good between us; I was totally devasted. He swears that was the last time and he has been completely faithful for the past 32 years; he swore on his mother's grave. He said he had only had sexual intercourse with two other women before her and it was just one time. One of these women happened to be a nude dancer and the other was a barmaid. He had unprotected sex with all of these women which further shows his lack of concern for me. He said he had only kissed or fingered a dozen or so other women, and it wasn't like he went out every night. He said there were only about ten other occasions when he was with these other women. He frequented nude bars every week for years even though he knew how much I disliked it. His best friend started all of this in 1972 as he was unhappy in his marriage and wanted to cheat. Of course, he did not force my husband to cheat but I cannot stand to look at this friend now. He is the one who introduced us! I'm sorry I ever met him. This past winter he had been sexting with multiple women on Facebook which is when this all came out. I looked at his phone and saw disgusting messages. He had asked for nude pictures of these women and told them to be sure to include their pussy and nipples in the pictures. I was devasted all over again. I contemplated divorce again. I made a list of pros and cons, and my pros outweighed the cons to stay. It's mostly to do with my age and financial concerns. I am still quite attractive with a decent body. After these confessions, he has become the husband I had always wanted; however, I can't make myself feel anything for him. I wish he had made the change 50 years ago when he treated me like a doormat. He had no respect for me then, but I do believe he wants to make our marriage work. He says he just wants me to be happy again. I told him that I do not even know what happy is now and I will feel this hurt the rest of my life. I told him he killed the girl he married back in 1970; he ripped out her heart and cut it up in a million pieces. He will never be more than a legal companion with benefits to me. Now, I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. I do enjoy his company and we have many common interests. We have two wonderful sons and two wonderful grandchildren. I just take it day by day and try not to dwell on the hurt. He is finally able to talk about "are we back to this again?" I stressed to him that he had 50 years to deal with things and I have had only a few months; I need time and I need to express my feelings. He seems to think that the past can be swept under the carpet like it never happened. I realize he cannot go back and change the past; he said he would love to do that quoting Cher's song "If I could turn back time" and I quoted Willie Nelson's "You were always on my mind" which is why I never cheated although I had multiple invitations.
8 comments posted: Sunday, October 30th, 2022
married to a stranger
After 52 years of marriage, my husband decided to confess all of his past infidelities. I was devasted. He had cheated on me from 1973 through 2000. I knew about one affair with a woman in California which he had led me to believe was a one-night stand. It turns out that he had sex with her multiple times while on business in California. This was in 1990 after 20 years of marriage. I knew there had probably been one or two others in the past before her but that was the final straw. I was so hurt and finally put my foot down. He continued to lie to me. He bought her a gold necklace that Christmas and had sex with again in January. He knew how hurt I was after I found the receipt for this necklace on Christmas Eve. He had always put me and the kids second in his life although he was a very good father and provider. He started going to nude bars at the encouragement of his best friend in 1972 when I was pregnant with our second child. This was his first instance of cheating while away on a trip to a NASCAR race with some bar maid. He used no protection every time he cheated on me. He said the second time was with one of the dancers at a nude bar. He said these were just one time. He said he had only kissed or fingered other women and there were only ten others during the 70s. Anyone on the outside would think we were the perfect family. I am quite attractive and had multiple advances from other men, but I loved my husband and took my marriage vows seriously. I thought I had married someone who felt the same way; however, he only felt that way for the first two years of our marriage. He suffered from a COVID related psychosis and blames that for his outburst of confessions which started when I discovered that he had been sexting with multiple women on Facebook. I looked at his phone and saw disgusting messages, etc. He had been asking them for nude pictures and to be sure to show their nipples and vagina. This was a 74 year old male communicating sexually with multiple young and beautiful women. He said that was just a fantasy which I do believe but he never once considered how it may hurt me. After his affair in 1990, things gradually improved, and he was a considerate husband or at least I thought he was. It turned out that he took a coworker to lunch in 2000 and had lunch with her in a parking lot. I thought things were good between us then. Our sex life was good, and it had always been pretty good over the years. He developed ED in his 60s and our sex life pretty much dissolved. Now here I am over 70 and discover that I have been living with a stranger for 52 years. He says he loves me and is very sorry for his actions which I do believe. He quotes the Cher's song "If I could turn back turn" to demonstrate his feelings. I quoted Willie Nelson's "You were always on my mind" to demonstrate how I always felt. I was never on his mind when he was cheating; he only thought of himself. At this point in my life, it's hard to imagine a life without him. I lost all respect for him in 1990 and will never love him like I once did. He has been the best husband ever since March of this year, but a few months doesn't erase 50 years of deceit and 27 years of cheating. I have been an emotional wreck since January when I found the Facebook messages. He didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing and told me he didn't mind if I had an affair or sexual fantasies with other men. I think he finally realizes it was wrong and he stopped all communications with these Facebook women. I went back to work in the office from which retired. I had been working remotely a few hours each month since retirement. My boss is wonderful and said I could come in as much as I wanted. We were very busy at the time, and it worked out well. Work was my salvation. I couldn't stand to be around my husband. I told my boss about the situation. Our sons do not know about things but I have confided in a few friends and a couple of close cousins. It helps me to talk about it but my husband got all bent out of shape every time I brought it up. He said this happened over 30 years ago and he has been totally faithful for the past 22 years (he doesn't see the Facebook incident as a betrayal). I'm just taking one day at a time. I made a list of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons for staying with him. We have common interests and I do enjoy his company. He has been wonderful the past few months and has tried to pleasure me sexually like he never had in the past. He will never be more than a legal companion to me ever again. It took me years to get over his 1990 affair and I was devasted to find out he had cheated again in 2000 after knowing how much he had hurt me.
8 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022