WS's first F up since DDay. It's a big one. I'm spiraling.
Dday was 3 months ago. Together 14 years, married 6.5 years, mid 30s, two kids ages 4 and 2. WH had a 3 year EA and 1x PA (AP in different country). So far things have been going as "good" as they can for this situation. WH has been reading all the books, doing weekly IC and making immense strides in communication and emotional validation, weekly MC. To be honest, he has been vastly exceeding my expectations. There hasn't been any TTing, everything that he told me on Dday has held up to be the full and true story so far. Though of course I'm still always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Last night WH had a work dinner with his boss 40 minutes away from our house. He texted me at 8:16pm and let me know the dinner was over and he was going to get his car from valet and head home soon. At 9:15pm he checked in saying he hit some construction on the hwy, stopped for gas, and was close to our exit. 10:30pm he waltzes in drunk. Immediately, I'm on him about drinking and driving and question how a 40 min drive took 2hr 15 mins. I say even if I allowed him a 30 minute gas stop that doesn't add up. He mumbles that he checked his work email in the car for a bit before getting back on the road. I question why he's drunk- did he go out after? He says that he had 2 beers at dinner and was basically taking in circles. I knew it wasn't going to productive so I told him to go to bed and we'd talk about it in the morning. He fell asleep and I got the feeling to check his phone. Lo and behold there's a text that says "Hey, it's Kelly from *dive bar*. Hope you got home OK and please reach out if you ever need to talk". THEN I look into his Facebook messenger and there is a message from someone he "dated" in high school almost 20 years ago and it says "I'm glad we shoved that all into a quick text. Glad to be of help."
So, at this point I'm fuming and wake him up (which I knew was not a smart move- he was semi drunk and asleep and not in a place to have the in-depth conversation I needed). He was basically mumbling nonsense, I pressed him further. He said Kelly was a neighborhood lady he met and mumbled more nonsense. I got angry (no shouting or anything), he got angry and started screaming that he's trying to do his best, putting his all into this, doesn't want to live, cannot stand to be in his own body after what he's done, etc. He started crying and shaking and hit a hole in the wall. We separated and went to bed.
This morning he came in sobbing and said that he has not had a minute to himself in 3 months since dday (truth) and he stopped at the dive bar on the corner to get a drink alone before coming home. He said while in there, two older women were discussing an affair and divorce, he chimed in and started getting upset, they bought him a drink which he usually only drinks beer so this tipped him from tipsy to drunk, and gave him advice. He said when he stood up to come home he realized he was drunk and I was going to be mad and he drove the block home and then he panic lied when I questioned him. He went on to say that the girl he dated in HS has the same age kids (true), her husband had an affair a couple years ago which he heard through the gossip chain, and he reached out to see if she had any pointers because it seemed like they were reconciled happily.
The Kelly lady checks out- I found her Facebook and info from her phone number and she's like a 60yo grandma, divorced. Don't really have a way to verify the hs dater girl thing. The conversation was deleted which he says was only because he knew I'd be upset but he doesn't know anyone else that's been through this (true- we don't). HELLO IF YOU KNEW I'D BE UPSET THAT'S A GOOD CLUE TO NOT DO THAT THING. He sent her a message this morning that said it was an inappropriate source to seek understanding from and there wouldn't be any more contact.
He said he feels so alone and was grasping at straws for someone to talk to other than me that's been in this situation. I haven't shown him SI, but debating doing so. Btw he is literally like 30 pages into Not Just Friends which is even more infuriating.
Idk what I'm seeking here- any advice or thoughts? Does every WS f up at some point? Is this going to seal our fate? I was justttt about to be at the point of seeing a glimmer of hope. I hate this so much.
22 comments posted: Friday, March 31st, 2023
I think I'm ready to work towards R. What do I need to know?
Brief history- 32BW and 33WH, together 14 years, married 6, two young kids under 5yo. WH had almost 3 year A including 1x sex (AP lives in a different country) and the rest was via texting, sexting, and calls. Dday was two months ago.
So far, WH has been doing everything "right". He is putting his all into IC and supporting me. We've been in this sort of limbo, but assuming his efforts remain consistent, I really feel like I want to shift my mind set into working together towards R.
Maybe this is a stupid question, but did you actually have a conversation with your WS defining that you are ready to give R a true shot? And by that I do not mean "get over it" or rug sweep it, I mean dive deep into working through what happened, how it happened, vulnerabilities in our marriage (I'm already aware of several), how we can build a new dynamic for the future, etc. Or did you just fall into working on things?
Open to any advice you may have about this specific part of post A life. For context, I feel like I have moved through the intense initial trauma fog that started on Dday. I feel more rational, stable, and clear headed enough to make decisions and process everything.
4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 28th, 2023
What specifically are your triggers?
In MC last week, WH brought up how horrible he feels that I have so many triggers in day to day life now. He does his best to try an support me, but I'm still in the phase of getting angry when I'm triggered. Our therapist uses the word "activated" instead of triggered. It is wild the amount of seemingly insignificant things that's I now associate with his A and the ensuing trauma.
What are some of your triggers- words, places, items, situations?
29 comments posted: Thursday, February 23rd, 2023
BS, at what point did you make a decision to work towards R or D?
I am 6 weeks out from D Day and I HATE this feeling of being stuck in limbo. I'm mostly past the very intense trauma response of D Day and now I'm primarily angry/resentful. We have been together 14 years total, married for 6.5, kids ages 2 and 4, WH had a 2.5 year long EA with one time sex in 2020 (I know sounds unbelievable but it's confirmed to the best of my ability as AP lives in another country). Yes, do the math and the sex happened during my pregnancy.
Anyway, now I feel like I'm just floating through the day to day as I haven't really decided if I want to pursue R or D yet. WH has been doing everything "right" since D Day. I so desperately want to have a goal to work towards and be able to feel like I'm taking proactive steps. How long was it not until you finally decided about R or D, but until you at least decided if you want to give R a shot or not?
We have both been in IC since D Day and have started MC. So maybe I AM giving R a shot without the label right now? Which is that's the case, I'm probably doing myself a disservice by not being intentional about it.
10 comments posted: Saturday, February 11th, 2023
Did the WS in your situation provide a written timeline to BS?
As many BS do, I have this insatiable need to understand the timeline of my WH's affair. I need to process and make sense of the last couple years of my life as it truly was, not as I perceived it to be.
If you have created or been given a timeline of the affair, what was especially beneficial to include? How detailed/descriptive did you get?
Any tips or input would be very much appreciated.
5 comments posted: Saturday, January 28th, 2023
I need someone to articulate this feeling for me
My WH is genuinely trying to understand this feeling and I'm doing a poor job at articulating it. I'm only 3 weeks from D-day so I'm hoping some you more "seasoned" SI-ers may know what I'm talking about and be able to explain it better.
I recently found out my WH has been having an affair for 3 years (1x sex and 3 years of texting/calls/sexting since). The biggest betrayal for me in all of this has been the fact that my agency in making informed decisions about my life has been taken from me over the last 3 years. For example, we had a second child (which was very much planned) and of course I love my daughter dearly, but I would have NEVER knowingly brought another child into our family if I knew about the affair.
I feel like decisions have not been my own to make. I've been using life as I perceived it to weigh options while not knowing the truth about the state of my marriage.
Can anyone related?
20 comments posted: Thursday, January 26th, 2023
2 Weeks from D Day. Putting one foot in front of the other.
I've been lurking for two weeks, but finally ready to make my place here official.
Two weeks ago today my world came crashing down on a family vacation on the other side of the world. WH knocked his phone off his nightstand in his sleep. I picked it up for him at the exact second a message was coming through and you all know the rest.
We've been together since we were 18, college sweet hearts. To say I was blindsided doesn't even begin to cover it. I was thankful everyday for what we had and the life we built. I truly thought we were happy and taking on the world together. We have two little ones ages 4 and almost 2.
WH traveled for work pre-covid. His last two business trips were in Canada (we are in the US). On his second to last one, he grabbed dinner alone after a meeting. The bartender from the restaurant struck up a conversation with him. They chatted for an hour and she asked for his number. She knew he was married. They began texting about everyday things- music, world events, sports. He went back on his final business trip a few months later and they met up and had sex. Since then it's been a 2+ year texting, calling, sexting affair.
During this time we got pregnant and had our little one. I was pregnant when he slept with her. When I saw the messages, I sat there for 3 hours and went through everything- his email, messages, call log, bank accounts, and social media before waking him up and confronting. He immediately broke down sobbing. For the last 13 days, he's done everything "right"- initiating NC, deleting her contact info, thoroughly and repeatedly answering my questions, managing everything pertaining to the house and kids and I just haven't been able to function, ordered and read how to support your spouse book, started IC. Then last night, I was asking him some more questions and I made a mean comment about one of his answers. He silently got up and walked away. I followed him and said that he can't just walk away and if he wants to try to R, there's going to be years and years of questions and processing ahead. He absolutely blew up at me- SCREAMED at me like he was out of control. We have never once raised our voices at each other in 15 years. Some of what he was screaming was understandable- that he has never dealt with this before and just has anger bubbling up inside him and if I want to push for a reaction when he tries to walk away that this is what's going to happen. He said that he hasn't even gotten into the process of therapy and doesn't have the tools to effectively respond to me without f---ing it up. Said that I am not happy with his honest answers so he doesn't know what else to say (I keep asking why, how could you do this, how was I so stupid) and his answers are basically that he never intended to hurt me, that he didn't even realize the levels of hurt I'd experience from this, that he didn't go seeking to f--k his life up, it was just a happenstance meeting that felt innocent and snowballed, that he feels immense relief he was caught.
We haven't spoken since the yelling last night and are starting MC today with a Gottman trained therapist. I just feel terrified that I gave myself so wholly and loving to someone for my entire adult life and I feel like I have no idea who he actually is. I'm still very much on the trauma rollercoaster.
I'm so incredibly sad to be here, but appreciate the resources this group has already shown me.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, January 17th, 2023