Posting around 3 years after I joined after a long absence
I have not been on this site for a long time and woke up in the middle of the night and decided to check in. I read some of the "Just found out" posts and this always stings. I thought that I would just post some updates and insights into how my journey has been unfolding.
Abusive relationships: I have learned, and I agree with this theory, that when someone is in an abusive relationship, they are probably actually in several abusive relationships at the same time. I found this to be true in my case. A few months after DD #2, I quit my job, and that was definitely an abusive relationship. I was also in an abusive relationship with my FOO and have only one surviving family member that I'm not really close with. And I don't pretend to have a relationship with that person anymore, at least to the degree that I used to. I have realistic expectations around all of my relationships, especially my relationship with myself. I was in individual counseling for about a year and a half and couples counseling for about 6 months. We should have done couple's counseling immediately instead of waiting a year and a half.
My WW, now pretty much a safe partner, runs a small business in a small town and I help her run it and do the things that she is unable to do. We spend a lot of time together, we are working on finishing a small off-grid cabin in a rural area that we spend time in on weekends during the warmer months. Although I miss the income from my old job, we cut back in certain areas and cook most of our own meals from scratch. We exercise together in a gym, but we usually get plenty of exercise taking care of lawns, gardens and dogs without having to go to the gym too often.
It's been very lonely. In the past out of desperation I shared details of my marriage and my WW's behaviors with people that were not safe. Some of them I am no longer in contact with. Two good friends, although spread in different parts of the country, know some of the details. They have been supportive of me. However, nobody in my community where I live knows any of the details. I try to be a tabula rasa so to speak. I feel the need to protect the brand being in a small town running a small business. But as I said, I did not anticipate feeling this lonely and disconnected from so much of my old world.
Inability to cry at convenient times. I often feel the need to have a good cry and when I have privacy and peace, I can't cry. Oddly, I could easily cry in a doctor's waiting room, during a work meeting, or on the line in the grocery store. I have to stifle crying at these inappropriate times and places and yet can't let it out when I have the space to do so. The betrayal and heartbreak will always feel fresh and stings like a motherF#@$er. It seems like this will be a constant companion I'll travel with the rest of my life.
My relationship with me. I've learned that I became broken as a child. An older sibling that was supposed to protect me psychologically abused me. My parents didn't believe me. My eldest sibling I was very close to but was lost to suicide over 30 years ago. When this sibling was around I felt joy. When my surviving sibling was / is around, I felt / feel dread. We are separated now by thousands of miles, a few more miles would not hurt either. But it is what it is. I've learned so much about myself and why it was so easy for me to get involved in relationships that were so one-sided / abusive. In early childhood I learned that there is nothing worse that being shunned or an outcast. And in order to belong to the tribe, I had to take my place and accept my role as the fool or jester. That's the role I played in my FOO, my circles of friends, with my girlfriends / spouse. In a twisted way I even adopted that role in my relationship with my now estranged adult child. I used to share too much, reveal too much, struggled desperately to make small talk, to be liked. These days I don't have a lot to say. I choose my words carefully. I refuse to engage in gossip. I'll engage in pleasantries with locals, but I won't really initiate it beyond cordial greetings. When a few people that were close to me, rather the "old" me, used manipulation tactics, I surprised them and unleashed a stream of candor they were not prepared to receive from me. Some I never heard from again, some accept the new relationship dynamics. Although I still probably engage in some people pleasing behaviors, I am very much aware of this and reel it in. Old habits are hard to break, but break they will.
As for my partner (I refrain from using the term wife, we are not there yet) I am committed to her well being. I restrain myself from being angry about her past behaviors when I feel that it is inappropriate. I make sure that her IRA account is fully funded every year. I manage her investments as if I were doing it for a client. Since I am older, my goal is to grow our wealth / her wealth so that she can be comfortable (not affluent) when I pass away. I originally planned to leave most of my money in a trust for my adult child. Now that I have been estranged (not my choice) that is no longer a priority. My partner's security is my priority.
I'm doing OK. It's not the life I expected and not the life I planned on having. I miss looking at my partner and feeling the love that I used to feel. I mean it's love but it's not LOVE, if you know what I mean. And I bet you do. Early on after DD#2, the lies and trickle truths drove me nuts. I have to accept that the truth is somewhere between what I have been told and the worst misgivings of my imagination.
Knowing what I know now about myself, her, and the world, I should have left after DD#1 back in 2009. I stayed because of the kid, the debt, the perceived security, fear of being alone and starting over again. I can't go back in time and have to make the best with the hand I hold currently.
I feel that people stay together out of fear of staring over again, or the kids, or finance, etc. I would counsel folks that those are not good reasons to yield your sovereignty in exchange for security. The kids get old and go on their own. The debts somehow find a way to get paid when you start doing the proper math. You can't get back the time and that is what's most precious. I'll continue to check in from time to time.
2 comments posted: Friday, June 12th, 2026
Question from a BH and WW attempting R with both posting on SI
My WW and I are working on our R. For the first time it seems she is really understanding the depths of the pain caused by betrayal. I feel that my pain and suffering is very similar to other BS posting here. What is helping her is seeing WS posts where they actually get support from WS folks teaching them how to understand your BS's pain. It's important for a WS to learn about the physical manifestations of such trauma, as well as that triggering events happen randomly and may never go away. My WW sees the difficult journey ahead of us. She is now understanding that she is going to have to deal with her own feelings maturely while prioritizing my feelings when I'm struggling.
Each day that has passed since July seems to have gotten a little bit easier for me. It's actually getting tougher for her, however. Since I became a member here, our communications have become less triggering and our understanding of each other gets deeper. I think this is happening because WW has been reading the stories here about BSs and becomes deeply affected by the pain she caused me (so many stories are so similar.) She's listening more actively, she apologizes for what she did, she promises to not get defensive (her guilt and shame caused her to shut down or shift focus to her discomfort) and just let me talk, cry, or sometimes walk away (or sleep in the other bedroom for a night or two.)
What did you folks do that you actually wished you did NOT do on here as a couple?
Conversely, what are some things that you wish you would have done here?
11 comments posted: Saturday, October 21st, 2023
It should not be this difficult...
I myself am right around the 3-month mark after finding out about my ww's "first affair." Until I found this forum a few weeks ago I felt that my situation was very unique.
March 2009 my wife left her cell phone ringer on. Her friend (female colleague) that she seemed to always be hanging out with texted her at 1:16am. The vibration of the phone on the wooden nightstand woke me up. I knew she was having an affair that very second when my ww told me it was just her friend (I refuse to say her name) letting her know that her plane landed. Really, who sends a text to a friend at 1:16am to let them know their plane landed? - Long story short, we recovered. She was sorry, no more contact with AP (only appropriate due to being colleagues), marriage counseling, individual therapy. I would say she did all of the "right things" I am reading here except she blamed me for the affair and to this day believes, to a degree, that I forced her to have a 6 month affair. During our recovery I learned that the affair ended when AP refused to come out of the closet to her family. If she was willing to "come out" my marriage would have ended. Discovering this set me back quite a bit in the recovery process.
This past July (2023) my ws confessed that she had a sexual affair with a professor at her university (she was not studying under him.) We were engaged and living together. This was un unprompted admission, completely out of the blue. She said that she had cold feet and the affair began when she went to his apartment seeking advice regarding cold feet marrying me. This revelation undid the past 13 years of recovery that we both worked very hard on. Up until the affair in 2008 to 2009, I felt that we at least had those magical days of first meeting, young love, yada yada. That first year was truly the happiest year of my life. Since this recent reveal I feel like I have lost everything. I have been unable to concentrate at a very stressful, mathematically intensive job. After 2 months of "faking it till I make it at work" I had to resign. I was not happy with my work, I was unable to give them my undivided attention and felt continuing to take the company's money was immoral. I do have another job now, it pays less than half of what my old job paid. Money will now be a slight hardship but at least this new job does not require much from my brain.
I was thinking of responding to KiboGaAru's "3 Days Post DDay" under "Just Found Out" but decided that it probably would work as a standalone post instead of a reply.
I have read so much good info on this forum. Thank you. I wish I knew about it back in 2009, but I am relived that instinctually I took many of the advised steps here.
Areas of concern are that
1) She remembers so few details of the affair with this professor. She does not remember exactly when, she can not remember his name, she can not remember how many times she slept with him. [I find this impossible to believe.] She also gets angry and shuts down if I bring it up.
2) I am shocked that something that happened so long ago can devastate me to the point that I could no longer perform my professional duties.
3) I never got tested for STDs because first AP was a lesbian. I am embarrassed to go to our family Dr. to have a STD panel taken. Any advise regarding getting tested?
4) I am now realizing that my wife has a mental disorder that makes lying and cheating very easy for her, and I am obsessed that she had many other flings and affairs. I traveled a lot without her. She had the means and opportunity. She would say I gave her the motive because (I paraphrase here) I spoke with a harsh tone a few times when I was upset.
I can not believe I am back in this awful place emotionally. I do appreciate all of you here and as many have testified, it really does help knowing we are not alone, and our situation, despite how embarrassing, is really more common that we realize. When I read others' stories the pain is palpable. I am sorry for all of our suffering. I feel better knowing I am not alone in this, yet in my physical world I feel alone often, even when I am with ww. I have a great therapist and it is helpful, but oddly I am realizing I have other pressing issues we are working on other than my marital issues. No matter what happens I will come out of therapy with a better understanding of my trauma (much from childhood) and how never dealing with this trauma has caused me to be remain in unfulfilling familial, romantic, and professional relationships. Understanding why I accepted less than honorable treatment from many others is going to help me navigate my future. I also understand now that there are worse things than being alone.
45 comments posted: Monday, October 16th, 2023
