18 months in and taken a huge step back

Hello all,
Thanks in advance for your time, energy and support. I will pay it forward when I’m in the right place to do so. My story started when I was 28 and my boyfriend (we shared a flat) cheated on me and we split up. It was traumatising as he lied and lied even in counselling. About 18m later we got back together and eventually got engaged, married, had 2 boys, this is context for what happened next. The first decade of marriage was good and our family were so happy. Only difficulty was he struggled to keep jobs - he moved/lost jobs often so was a little stressful and I worked full time also. In the last 5-6 years his dad died and activated a spiral in his mental health. He’s was angry and then he also told me he’d been abused by a family member. I couldn’t get my head around this as we had had a good relationship and he had let our kids stay at this persons house. Over the last 5 years I discovered debt, first £30k then a year later £10k loan. The first £30k I was devastated but we paid it off and he explained it away. Then shortly after discovering the £10k his mum died and then it all unravelled. I searched his iPad and discovered he’d been visiting massage parlours/escorts. He also smoked pot often. I was completely broken and barely functioned but we had now a 14 and 11 year old so had to. I am so torn - we are both in therapy individually. I am heartbroken as is he. He struggles that I didn’t believe/support him. I struggle that he lied for so long and is capable of this deceit. He didn’t want to lose his family but couldn’t cope because of the childhood trauma. Eldest kid is now in final gcse year and has said he feels depressed. 😔 i don’t really know how to move forward. I have a good group of friends but this is soooo heavy I don’t want to burden them and often have to put on a brave face. I just want to heal and be optimistic about the future but for some reason feel I’ve taken a huge step back. I can completely relate when people say this is the most painful experience and I think it’s the isolation. Husband struggles to hear my pain as in comparison his is worse - he was suicidal, has lost both parents etc etc It’s sooooo hard to get out of bed and then have 2 sons who seem to want to play the x box all day which compounds the loneliness. None of this is their fault so want to protect them as much as possible. Seems we are all victims because of husbands choices BUT i still have some compassion that his choices are a result of his childhood trauma. Thankyou for hearing me - not sure what the answers are but feeling incredibly lonely and broken. I also just turned 50 - never a good time for this shit to happen but here we are.
Xxx

0 comment posted: Saturday, September 19th, 2026

Limbo land

Hello all - firstly thankyou for taking the time to read, the support here is so special and I’ll pay it back when I am further down the road. So my story, my husband first cheated on me 23 years ago with a 2 month affair with work colleague. We split up for about 2 years and found our way back to each other and ended up marrying and having 2 sons. We’ve been married 17 years and the last 5 have been hard. He has a lot of trauma from childhood, and 5 years ago his dad died. He struggled with his grief due to complex relationship with dad (who also had had affairs 😩and mental health challenges). Over the last 4 years he spiralled as wasn’t coping. I discovered £30k debt, we sorted, I was in shock then found out a year later he had another £10k loan. We went straight to marriage councilling. His mum was also very ill and passed away last Easter. I knew something was off so went snooping and discovered he’d been visiting massage parlours/emailing escorts. I was severely traumatised. He’s been in therapy since last summer to understand his toxic behaviour. He is financially transparent with me. I can’t let go of my anger though as he seems to just want to spend time with our boys (15 & 12). He is Disney dad (football coach etc) but if I ask the kids to help with anything he loses it and tells me I’m horrible to everyone. I’m really stuck. I’ve told him what I need to try and rebuild some connection and he tells me I can’t change as he’s stopped visiting massage parlours etc but I can’t stop being judgemental. I am stuck in limbo as now it feels like it’s me that can’t change vs he behaved in a way that completely disrespected me, and our family (in his eyes he was trying to cope with severe depression and suicidal thoughts). It’s such a mess. He currently is not earning as set up a business with a female colleague. I also discovered overly friendly texts with his business partner and he admitted they need better boundaries. Typing this out I feel like I would be telling me to have some respect and make the decision to separate. I just feel so alone. I feel sure I would be blamed (I’m the one who nags kids to do homework, am judgemental as don’t want them to play Xbox all day). It’s a unique kind of pain this infidelity (although according to my husband it wasn’t cheating 🤣) Sorry for the lengthy post. I’m sat on my own whilst husband watches more action movies with sons in the holiday home that I’ve paid to rent. Need to vent as you can tell. I know I have to find the answer and I wish for the day the pain disappears and I can focus on being the best mum. Thankyou for reading and any advice appreciated. Really looking for some positive stories either way. Limbo is hell xxx

8 comments posted: Sunday, February 15th, 2026

Feels like world has ended

Hi all,
Thanks in advance for all the support. Not sure how to start but I’ve been married for 16 years, with 2 boys 11 &14. Things in our marriage have been tough - husbands parents have both died in last 5 years, he keeps losing his job and has been very angry due to horrible upbringing.
I discovered £30k of debt about 2 years ago which we ‘fixed’ with savings. Then a year later he’d taken another £10k loan which he is paying off. I’ve done credit checks etc so nothing else (yet 😩).
His mum died recently and I knew something was off so went snooping. He’s been viewing porn & the piece that makes me feel sick is he’s been emailing massage parlours/escorts. He confessed he’d been using massage parlours since dad’s death as we weren’t hugely sexually active and felt so miserable. I am in so much pain as can’t imagine life without my boys all the time & because of their ages they are gaining independence and only interested in football (which their dad plays/watches with them all the time). He is undoubtedly an awful husband but a good dad but feel like I’ve lost on every level. My kids, my home, my pension etc (I earn more than him and much better with money so have higher pension etc). It feels soooooo unjust that I can’t get to the point of asking him to leave as my self esteem has been trampled. Sorry for the long post. Looking for what helped you and where did you get your courage from. I’m so wounded I don’t see how to move forward. I’m SOOOO devastated for the kids - they are at difficult ages with one starting gcse and one starting secondary.
How do I be the mum they need and try and be happy when I’m drowning in the pain that the man I married has caused me & also inadvertently them also. Thankyou so much for your time and sorry that you are here on this site. Would be great to also hear some success stories of how you grew out of this horrendous experience. It’s such a lonely place to be so this forum is a godsend to make it a little less lonely Thankyou 🙏

16 comments posted: Wednesday, August 13th, 2025