Limbo land

Hello all - firstly thankyou for taking the time to read, the support here is so special and I’ll pay it back when I am further down the road. So my story, my husband first cheated on me 23 years ago with a 2 month affair with work colleague. We split up for about 2 years and found our way back to each other and ended up marrying and having 2 sons. We’ve been married 17 years and the last 5 have been hard. He has a lot of trauma from childhood, and 5 years ago his dad died. He struggled with his grief due to complex relationship with dad (who also had had affairs 😩and mental health challenges). Over the last 4 years he spiralled as wasn’t coping. I discovered £30k debt, we sorted, I was in shock then found out a year later he had another £10k loan. We went straight to marriage councilling. His mum was also very ill and passed away last Easter. I knew something was off so went snooping and discovered he’d been visiting massage parlours/emailing escorts. I was severely traumatised. He’s been in therapy since last summer to understand his toxic behaviour. He is financially transparent with me. I can’t let go of my anger though as he seems to just want to spend time with our boys (15 & 12). He is Disney dad (football coach etc) but if I ask the kids to help with anything he loses it and tells me I’m horrible to everyone. I’m really stuck. I’ve told him what I need to try and rebuild some connection and he tells me I can’t change as he’s stopped visiting massage parlours etc but I can’t stop being judgemental. I am stuck in limbo as now it feels like it’s me that can’t change vs he behaved in a way that completely disrespected me, and our family (in his eyes he was trying to cope with severe depression and suicidal thoughts). It’s such a mess. He currently is not earning as set up a business with a female colleague. I also discovered overly friendly texts with his business partner and he admitted they need better boundaries. Typing this out I feel like I would be telling me to have some respect and make the decision to separate. I just feel so alone. I feel sure I would be blamed (I’m the one who nags kids to do homework, am judgemental as don’t want them to play Xbox all day). It’s a unique kind of pain this infidelity (although according to my husband it wasn’t cheating 🤣) Sorry for the lengthy post. I’m sat on my own whilst husband watches more action movies with sons in the holiday home that I’ve paid to rent. Need to vent as you can tell. I know I have to find the answer and I wish for the day the pain disappears and I can focus on being the best mum. Thankyou for reading and any advice appreciated. Really looking for some positive stories either way. Limbo is hell xxx

4 comments posted: Sunday, February 15th, 2026

Feels like world has ended

Hi all,
Thanks in advance for all the support. Not sure how to start but I’ve been married for 16 years, with 2 boys 11 &14. Things in our marriage have been tough - husbands parents have both died in last 5 years, he keeps losing his job and has been very angry due to horrible upbringing.
I discovered £30k of debt about 2 years ago which we ‘fixed’ with savings. Then a year later he’d taken another £10k loan which he is paying off. I’ve done credit checks etc so nothing else (yet 😩).
His mum died recently and I knew something was off so went snooping. He’s been viewing porn & the piece that makes me feel sick is he’s been emailing massage parlours/escorts. He confessed he’d been using massage parlours since dad’s death as we weren’t hugely sexually active and felt so miserable. I am in so much pain as can’t imagine life without my boys all the time & because of their ages they are gaining independence and only interested in football (which their dad plays/watches with them all the time). He is undoubtedly an awful husband but a good dad but feel like I’ve lost on every level. My kids, my home, my pension etc (I earn more than him and much better with money so have higher pension etc). It feels soooooo unjust that I can’t get to the point of asking him to leave as my self esteem has been trampled. Sorry for the long post. Looking for what helped you and where did you get your courage from. I’m so wounded I don’t see how to move forward. I’m SOOOO devastated for the kids - they are at difficult ages with one starting gcse and one starting secondary.
How do I be the mum they need and try and be happy when I’m drowning in the pain that the man I married has caused me & also inadvertently them also. Thankyou so much for your time and sorry that you are here on this site. Would be great to also hear some success stories of how you grew out of this horrendous experience. It’s such a lonely place to be so this forum is a godsend to make it a little less lonely Thankyou 🙏

16 comments posted: Wednesday, August 13th, 2025