Years of betrayal

Never thought I'd be writing something like this, but here we are. Where to start? My husband and I have been together since 2008, married in 2021, had a baby in spring 24. After baby was born, we had a tough time - I found it really hard, had a very tough breastfeeding journey and some postpartum trauma. I felt like he was really distant and cold.

Then one morning, when I'd asked him to play with baby in the nursery as I'd been up all night, I saw him on the monitor, scrolling through something on his phone, ignoring baby completely. His mannerisms just looked sketchy, and I knew it was something dodgy. Sure enough, when I went in and confronted him, he was watching porn in front of our child. He realised straight away that it was a disgusting and possibly criminal thing to do. Very sorry etc...

Then over the next few days, he confessed a porn problem to me. He'd been lying in bed all the times I'd gone to feed our baby, watching it on a phone he'd told me was broken. He'd often carried on watching when I came back to bed, secretly under the covers right next to me. Never wanted to be intimate or close with me. I accused him of it once, when i saw he was on the phone in bed at 3am, but he got quite angry and gaslit me into believing I was imagining things. I was very easy to manipulate because I'd had such a hard time in the early months, it wasn't difficult to believe I was hormonal and losing my mind.

I was disgusted by the lying and especially putting our child in that position. He recognised it was vile behaviour and was clearly genuinely sorry. Said he felt like he'd woken up and realised he'd been a massive dickhead basically. I agreed to work on things as long as there was complete honesty.

Fast forward to the summer, I had my 40th birthday. Two days later, he came up to bed one night very quiet and ashamed. I asked him what was wrong. He took some coaxing but then admitted there was a big secret he needed to tell me. His first story was that once, quite early in our relationship, when he'd gone for a sports massage, the masseuse had touched his penis and asked if he'd like a happy ending. He'd said no. I told him he hadn't actually done anything wrong there and comforted him. After a while, he corrected himself, and told more of the story. Eventually, after a few days of half truths and weaseling, he told me everything I now know (whether it's really everything remains to be seen).

Over thr course of our relationship, he's actually had 5 happy endings from 'massage therapists'. One who also rubbed her breasts all over him. One of these was since we've been married. The others were quite spread out, not all at the beginning of our relationship or anything, years after we'd been living together and were obviously in a long term, committed relationship.

I know it's not the same as an affair- the emotional component isn't the same and I don't need to fear him leaving me for the other woman. But I'm devastated, and I don't know how to move forward with this man I thought would be my husband forever, who is the father of my beautiful child. I can't stop thinking about him enjoying these other women doing that to him. He's said he still finds the scenario of going to a masseuse very exciting and thinks about it. He thinks about porn scenarios all the time and pictures himself with porn stars a lot. He has a list of women he really likes, and whose back catalogue he has watched over and over, and the list is Not short. It has completely destroyed what little self esteem I had left. I feel so pathetic and old and ugly. I'll never match up to what those women look like. And then I feel angry that that's even my response when he has done all this!

I really don't know what to do. Watching porn in front of his child aside (and I know that is a huge, hideous aside) he is a brilliant dad. He's very involved, genuinely loves our baby and is great with them. Obviously he has not been a brilliant husband. I can't remember a time when he really made me feel good about myself. I'm not sure I feel love for him after all this. I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed that he went to these other women, and for years I was paranoid that something had happened (in retrospect, I got paranoid around the times he had had a "massage", and he treated me horribly around those times). He has lied to me for so long, and made me think I couldn't trust my own feelings for so long that I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I know that sounds over dramatic but I honestly feel like I've woken up in the woods after being trapped in a prison cell for 17 years. I don't know whether i can or should stay with him. I don't know what's best for our baby. But I do know that if I leave, things will be financially extremely tough (my job is not secure or well paid) and I might not be able to give my baby the life I wanted for them.

I'm very confused, very scared, and I can't stop crying. What should I do?

3 comments posted: Thursday, October 2nd, 2025