How far to prove remorse?

Hi everyone,
I’ve been lurking here for a while and finally mustered the courage to post. I’m the WS in our story—I had an affair in 2018 (EA and PA) then again for 4 months in 2021 (EA) . In July of 2023 I decided to confess to my husband. It shattered everything. We’ve been in recovery mode ever since: transparency with phones/passwords etc and trying to rebuild trust brick by brick. To that end, I quit my job right after D-day and haven’t gone back to work. But full disclosure: I trickle-truthed for way too long after D-day, which dragged out the pain and made everything so much harder for him. Honestly we have good days but still have more bad than good. He says he is broken and I understand. I love him with all my heart and he says he loves me and we both want our marriage to work. He’s seeing a therapist, but honestly, it’s not super helpful—just mostly for prescribing meds to manage the anxiety and depression from all this.
To add another layer, he’s been on dating sites pretty much from the start. He hasn’t acted on anything or met up with anyone, but it still stings knowing they’re there, like a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.
But lately, he’s been talking about (soft) swinging. Like, as a way to "heal" his wounds. He says it would help him feel desired again, erase some of the pain from what I did, and help him heal. I get the logic on paper—I’ve hurt him so deeply that maybe sharing that space could balance things out? But honestly, it terrifies me. I’m not attracted to the idea at all; it feels like trading one kind of betrayal for another, and I’m scared it’ll just reopen old scars for both of us. Still, because I love him and want to make this right, I’ve agreed to at least explore it—even though he knows I’m not really comfortable with it.
Just wondering, How far do you have to go to prove you’re sorry? What’s the line between healthy compromise and just enabling more pain? Has anyone else dealt with something like this in recovery? Did swinging (or any form of ethical non-monogamy) actually help rebuild trust, or did it backfire? How did you navigate saying "yes" when your gut screamed "no," just to show remorse? Or did you set a boundary and hold it anyway—especially after trickle-truthing, quitting your job to stay "visible," and all the other mess-ups? We tried this once before and when it came time to meet someone I backed out. Told him I just couldn’t. He can’t understand why I was able to cheat on him but don’t want to do this. He said he was going to do something with or without me and was talking to other women on dating sites but said he would rather do something with me. Recently he seems to have gotten worse, not better and I’m at a loss as to how to help him. I guess I’m desperate. He recently reached out to an old girlfriend as well. Just to talk he said. She didn’t respond.
Sorry if this is all over the place—my head’s spinning. Any stories, advice, or gentle reality checks would mean the world right now.
Thanks for reading

13 comments posted: Tuesday, September 30th, 2025