39 Years married to a Porn Abuser and Prostitute/Escort Visitor

Hard to find myself here, but not surprised it ended up like this.

We are both in our later 50s.

Husband started with porn when he was a teenager, was a virgin when we met in college. I was not a virgin, but neither was I all that experienced in sex (who could consider themselves experienced at age 17?).

After 7 years of dating, got married in our mid-twenties.

I discovered his use of escorts after 7 years of marriage, even though our sex life had waned to almost nonexistent by then, I still believed we were soulmates, and sex wasn't a priority for either of us.

Ten more years went by - although mostly good, the sexless marriage couldn't keep up emotionally.

Had 3 kids together, grew a business together and live a comfortable life.

Two weeks ago, I finally got a confession from him about the prostitutes - the drip-drip disclosure was part me playing poker and pary him confessing. We decided unilaterally that we both needed help, both needed to work through long standing emotional issues on an individual basis first. We are in the mindset of staying together at present for the children and professionally considerations, at least until the kids will al be in college in 5 years.

Another 13 years went by, and he is now admitting to the full breadth of his physical betrayal with escorts since pre-marriage. They went from numbering from 5ish in 39 years to 25ish he can remember. He says there was a period of 15 years where it was "only porn" and recently decided to seek out the physical side with other women. He claims he wants to stay together, resume a sex life (where there was maybe sex 15 times in the 39 years). He did a lot of self-disclosure, with prompting from me. Both are in IC now.

Not sure which way to go, I don't think weekly IC counseling is going to be sufficient for him.

I know there is an in-person live intense therapy that Paula Hall offers in England.

There is also a relatively newer program with Roland Cochburn who has his newish self-help book, podcasts and an in person intense therapy group in Arizona.

Anyone have any experience with either of those programs or suggestions about any others? Preferably no 12-step/religious based programs (we are atheists, and no, no spirituality either).

2 comments posted: Wednesday, September 17th, 2025