Me (M38) / Wife (F38)

Together 17 years, married 13

Kids: 2 boys (11, 9)

D-Day: July 2025 (emotional affair discovered)

OW/OM: Married coworker, ~15 years older, 4 adult kids

Still in contact at work, travel together

Currently in couples thera

Wife in emotional affair with coworker, I feel like I’m drowning

I (M38) have been married for 13 years, together 17, with two sons (9 and 11). Until a couple of months ago, I thought our marriage—while imperfect—was solid. Then I found out my wife (F38) had developed a deep emotional connection with a coworker (M53, married, recently demoted at work, lives in another state).

They both work remotely. They travel together for work, text/call, and have shared flight details. She’s admitted attraction, but frames it as "emotional, not sexual." She says being with him makes her feel alive, seen, and cared for. She told me she doesn’t think she can resist seeing him during upcoming trips.

Since disclosure, we’ve started couples therapy and individual therapy. I’ve set a boundary that I’m not okay with her having personal contact with him, but she keeps saying she needs to "figure it out on her own." She says she isn’t ready to cut it off permanently, maybe just limit contact "while we’re in this process."

Where we stand now:

She says she isn’t emotionally connected to me right now.

She doesn’t want to lose our family or life together, but also doesn’t want to live without "passion."

She’s asked for space and time to sort through her feelings.

I’m struggling with severe anxiety, trying to cope, in therapy and working on myself.

I’m stuck in limbo—desperately wanting to save our marriage, but feeling disrespected and invisible while she keeps this tie to him. She admits she’s comparing me to him, even though she knows it’s unfair.

Why I’m Here:
I don’t know how to handle this waiting game. I feel like my life is on hold while she decides whether I’m "enough." I want to be the best father to my boys, and I want to fight for my marriage, but I don’t know how to protect myself emotionally in the meantime.

How do others survive this stage? How do I give her "space" without feeling like I’m being slowly erased?

10 comments posted: Tuesday, September 16th, 2025