Returning to life after 17 years of hell

Edit- under request since I wrote this story on the fly and without proof reading, it's confusing and readers tend to lose the focus. So I made in this quote a 'shorter' TL:DR version of the story, it's still long but it should sum it up easier that the original posts.

TL;DR -

- I met my wife in 2005 and fell for her recognizing her as the love of my life. We were living in different countries and we had a long distance relationship until 2007.

- February 2008 I fly to her for Valentine's day, knowing already deep inside that she was cheating with me with a OM since January. I was in denial. She denied it but it was obvious. I walked into an emotional minefield where she felt powerful and overjoyed of my pain and humiliation, and kept humiliating me until I returned back home because I could not stand another minute in her presence. This was the biggest pain I ever experienced in my life, more annihilating than the death of beloved ones. It completely crushed my identity, my hopes and belief for the past, the future, trust, idea of love.

- I came back broken and was spiraling down the abyss, to take her off my mind I started getting busy with work and study, dating many girls, lost my belief and will to open emotionally with another woman as every time I let someone in, they betrayed me, so I became cynical towards people and relationships. I started to convince myself I am wrong, unlovable, and naive for expecting a connection that just does not exist in the human nature.

- It did not work, after short her memories resurfaced and I became miserable, I started wanting to end my life, that's how deep I wanted my pain to stop. At that time I came to believe that all relationships are just false and cheating is the norm, that true love is just a romantic lie people tell to hide their lowest impulses. And I hated my guts for wanting to refuse to accept that the emotions I felt for her (and I trusted she felt for me) where just an illusion, because I convinced myself that this stupid belief was just my stubborn denial of the human nature and I it condemned me to never find the happiness I just lost ever again. Nobody could love me because I was wrong, idealist, and incapable of changing. The betrayal and my sorrow it was all my fault, I deserved it.

- When I could not take it anymore I stopped dating multiple girls and allowed one in, who was not single but she did not tell me, I took it slow, started to feel a connection, kissed her when she was about to leave (she was from the same country as my WS, Poland).

- She then confesses that she had a boyfriend and was keeping it hidden from me because she wanted to end the relationship before moving on with me. That pained me deeply, again and I felt lied, again right when I was opening to feeling a connection with a woman, it turns out she is already with someone else and checking her options before ditching the other person, exactly like my WS did to me.

But I was desperate enough to accept her justification to wanting to break up in person before letting herself go (she was abroad and he was there): I rationalized that yes she wanted to meet me, but she never even touched me or showed her attraction openly until I was the one who acted when she was leaving my country, meet me for goodbyes and I thought we will never see each other again so I kissed her.

She kept it hidden and ambiguous but she also tried to keep distance to respect my boundary and my pain.

I wanted to believe her story because not to, meant falling down again straight into the hell I was hoping I could climb out: My subconscious was screaming "See? Open up and connect with someone, find out they are disloyal and non monogamous. 4 out of 4, when will you ever learn people are just not like you dream? What you crave does not exist". I gave her a chance to clear things out before contacting me again.

looking back now, I see I was the one letting my boundaries being crossed down again. She should have told me immediately. She did not, so I should have walked off.

But because I was desperate and did not want to accept that my intuition was right, but she was the only person whom presence could take out my WS from my mind, I was hoping another person could remove my pain. So when she did and came back we started seeing each other, I was taking it slow because her secret already burned me, but on the same time I was craving to let her in, to light up the cold darkness I was cast in with her warmth.

- Shortly after we start seeing each other seriously and I start forgetting her, my WS comes back and tries to R with me. This make me realize that my feelings for her were just hurt by her betrayal but they never changed. I call the new girl immediately and break up with her. She understands, hopes I find closure and come back to her. 2 months later I meet my WS to see if I still feel or finally find closure, and I fall for her again. I tell the new girl, we stay friends, she moves on with her life.

- I then give up my life, career, studies to move to my WS country and start a life with her from zero, because I was afraid the distance will push her astray again (only recently I discovered she was already cheating right after she got me back, she just kept me as a backup option for whenever the OMs dropped her). I felt it in my guts, but I was in denial to admit her R was not honest. I wanted to believe in our bond and I quit my life to gave it a chance. Meanwhile my PTSd and betrayal trauma start destroying me physicaly: panic attacks, intrusive thought, gastric problems, eating and sleeping disorders, constant anxiety begin to impact my life and intensify over time.

- I hoped we will enter a fairy-tale of love and a life together. Her welcome there made me understand there is no fairy-tale, she looks half disappointed of seeing me coming for real, like I am intruding in her life. We get a mostly sexless relationship, she does not mind of sharing her contempt daily, she is only warm to me when she needs emotional support or we are on vacation, the rest of my life is a slow erosion of my confidence and self worth, until I become so low that I automatically apologize for breathing too loudly.

- I set myself to prove her my worth (I already feel unworthy), I build a life from zero, first small jobs, then private lessons, the a venture funding and a company. It is never enough for her, she expects more. My PTSD slowly becomes a daily occurrence, sometimes multiple panic attacks per day, I cut contacts with friends and family and live like a hermit because she is suspicious I might be cheating on her if I meet other people and I want to prove her that I am safe. (meanwhile she still flirts with ever guy who is "her type" behind my back, sometimes even in front of me).

- We get married in 2015, we live a sexless marriage (5-7 times / year only when she is into it, mostly on vacation), this only changes when she want to try for a baby, so she schedules it, unfortunately she got a STI from her OM from her 2008 betrayal, which causes infertility (she obviously infected me with it too) and she refuses acknowledge it or diagnose because she rejects any connection that could make her face again what she did back in 2008, she never wants to hear a mention of her infidelity and attacks me threatening divorce if she only thinks I am hinting to that taboo topic. She puts the blame on me and I am too low down to argue, I start to believe it and nod along like with anything she says.

- We move to adoption, a wonderful little girl, she become the only reason that rekindles a bit my life. I am sinking towards the bottom of depression by then, but she becomes a reason to fight for. My pain does not fade, but I can hide it in front of her, I do everything to help this child with her own traumas and she makes great progress, this becomes for me a reason of pride, even if my WS slowly starts to use the child as a tool to attack my self respect, ever more often trying to humiliate me in front of our daughter.

- One night last end of September, when we are at an adoptive parents family weekend, I am sick with flu and stepping in and out of the hotel to not ashame her "with my weak health" in front of other parents, I see her flirting with another man, and something flips a switch in me: "I see now. I accept it. But I will no longer tolerate this".

I go to bed, feeling that I only have myself to offer the world, I cannot be anything else. Like it or not, I do not care.

- I wake up thinking I would feel resentment in seeing her in the bed, but I feel nothing but peace. I do not realize it, yet that moment, but I notice I have no worries, no concerns, no expectation, it was a complete surrender of my ego, my social mask slipped off into dust, I was myself in the present, and I cared only for what I was living in the moment, I was not worried anymore for other people's expectation or feel any attachment for any particular outcome. I had a complete confidence that whatever the world was throwing my way, it's ok, it is going to be fine.

- I slowly notice people responding up to me differently: I feel it like it's natural, I am happy to listen and share with everyone in the moment. Men are friendly, women are curious, children gravitate around me, and I feel connected to everyone in a way I never experienced.

- My wife feels that too. In the beginning she gets silent, almost in shock, she stares in the void, I did not say a word nor behaved any different with her. Later she resumes her usual routine of attacks and humiliation attempts, she begins to question my sanity and tries to label me "mentally ill".

They all fall flat, best she gets is some jokes from me exposing how ridiculous her labeling are. Meanwhile my body heal, I walk with my heads up, I quickly recreate a new social circle of connection, work out and get fast in top shape, make business, thrive and feel alive.

- But the most important response is from my daughter, she starts to calm and feel safe in my presence. She looks up to me and she regulates emotionally. I am the person she immediately comes to whenever she feels distressed.

- In less than 2 weeks I notice a dramatic shift in my wife. She looks at me differently, her behavior completely changes, she falls in love asking "are we 20 again?" and she cannot get anough of my presence. That's when she starts to ask what happened, and slowly she begin to confess her past betrayals. She goes to therapy and discovers her emotional unavailability and avoidant attachment towards our bond. She is suffering now for the first time looking herself in the mirror, and she feels terrified I can leave her.

I am not divorcing her because of our daughter now, she is the most important one, and also because frankly I do not care. She broke me so much that my old identity was long beyond repair. I had to let go of all my fears and trauma, now I can see them, accept them, integrate my emotions and be fully present in the moment.

I do not feel anger or hate or fear anymore, I do have now my natural boundaries but they aren't walls, they are a door where anybody who can respect them is welcome, those who can't are kept out.

My presence co regulates both my wife and my daughter naturally as her therapist noticed. And I lost any attachment to outcomes, I have my direction, is she will work on herself for a true R, I am open to it, if not I will find my own path, I do not care anymore, either way it's fine.

I have been through my very personal hell, I thought I would die there and never see the light again. But when you reach the bottom and you feel forced to abandon all hopes, defenses and fears, you surrender your ego and your true self emerges from the ashes. You become able to accept your own flaws and others with no judgement, you can even see that what hurt you so much, the betrayals it was no evil, not even lack of love, it was two broken people with their own wounds struggling to find clarity.

And you can step over it, accept it and it will immediately change your life. You will never feel afraid of falling again into the abyss because you know what lies at its end. And even if you can't believe it right now, you will then realize that it's ok. That very same confidence will prevent you from ever falling there again.

It might not sound fancy or how you imagined, it may not even be your own path. But this is another way out, one that will make you whole, and ready to open yourself up for love and life in the way you were always meant to be.

- end TL;DR -

I will try when I have the time to fix up original posts (below) and make them more readable. This one will be easier to digest for the time being.

I am new here, it is a bit of a long story, I know many can probably relate to the existential shattering (lucky you right?), still I want to share it because even if it does not feel like it is possible for you now, I can tell you I reached a point where I can say "I have seen the bottom, and I am no longer afraid to fall".

So I am a guy who had a pretty horrible romantic life, I now realized that it came from my mom postpartum depression where she could not feel attachment to me (she told me when I grew up, first dew years of my life she was depressed and did not feel anything to me, then the realization shook her out of depression and she became the only person in my life who could really "see me", and I loved her deeply for this, the childhood trauma was already done though), so my earliest memories of her are this blonde haired woman, that was always just out the reach of my arm, I could stretch it to touch her but my nerve system learned early she would reject it. I have only one warm memory when I was 3 or 4 years old, we were on holidays with my grandparents and we slept in a small tented trailer as it was their spartan way of camping. I woke up and I saw the sun rising from the seaside and touching the grass I could see from the space between the trailer bottom and the tent (where me and my mom had the mattress we used to sleep upon), and I have always been a very lively and curious child, was waking up at 3-4 am and my dad had the duty to feed me and keep me entertained without waking mom up (poor dad, but I remember him fondly, I still cannot tell him today but those early memories of him are precious), so my first instinct was to lean over and touch the grass that was shining a vivid green in the early sun, but something happened that froze me: my mother was holding me with her arm close to her body, I remember feeling her breathing and heart beating, so I did not move a muscle and was afraid of breathing too loud, I felt so warm, I did not wanted it to end, I was terrified of waking her up and lose this, I did not wanted it to ever end.

I had to tell you this because I was always a bit of a weird boy, now I see this played a significant role in my interpersonal relationships, but still growing up I only ever allowed few selected friends to get truly close to me, I liked to play with others but was extremely reserved and sort of asocial, not a great fun time until end of highschool for my social life, I was not interested in relationships with girls much or with male peers too (with few exceptions) I basically grew up with the subconscious idea in my mind that I was unlovable, so I avoided to let anyone in besides people I really felt I could trust much. Yes I had my few experiences with girls, being very attractive and kind of "not giving a shit" guy I always had females eyes on me, I just did not notice or did not care then, I realized only later when I started modeling as a side job (and dating models) that was the case, still for that what happened in my first romantic experiences I always had shallows relationships with many different girls but "no exclusivity"rule. If it got too serious I moved on.

And the thing that caused it was my first love. Was 16 she was 14 in the summer on the Italian seaside. I always had an insane attraction for blondes, I cannot explain it because is not even conscious, but I noticed it. So like many other girls she was orbiting around me and approached me, this time I did not let her go even if it was the last day of my staying.

We lived in different cities so we kept in touch by phone and as soon as I could (since my family was rather poor) I saved for the train ticket and went to her. It was magic. It wasn't just the first timeI took the train, but it was the first time I experienced physical intimacy with a girl (I had only childish kissing and soon after lost interest before her), she introduced me to her parents, we spent the weekend and I came back home with butterflies in my stomach. We went few months by phone since school and hard to arrange meetings, but one day I went again to her. This time she brought me to a sunday afternoon club (fro highschool kids) and we 'casually' met her ex boyfriend (23 year old guy) and she introduced me, nothing strange in my mind then (not even that the guy was a pedo for being ex with a now 14 years old girl, but I was naive) there at the entrance so we went in together and she asked me to pick a drink for her (drinking age works differently in Italy, plus nobody checks). When I got back from the bar with the drinks I saw her sitting over her 'ex' almost fucking on the couches if it wasn't only they were still wearing clothes. I froze there like an idiot and I do not remember much until the moment she was walking me back at the train station cheerfully telling how "she has been thinking about getting back together with her ex since we live so far away". I did not cry until home, but I think I do not have to explain here how that feels like.

So my mind was set then, no more, do not trust the dopamine feeling, it will trick you into opening up and then you will get shattered. I became a playboy, dating different ones every time, no commitment, no exclusivity, I was always crystal clear "take it or leave it" I did not trust to open up again after that event. And it was ok, I can't say I was happy, sure I had variety, was always dating the most beautiful girls and was envied by my peers, but it did feel shallow I really did not care much I was still grieving inside. Then I entered the faculty of Medicine (300 slots for over 2k applications) and I was quite in a good mood, so I went with friend in a club, there I met a girl who was totally not my type (I tended to have very superficial standards back then, I think it was self soothing from the low self worth my first betrayal caused me) cute face but she was short and chubby, still she was kind of sweet and funny and she panicked when I smiled her and kissed me. No idea why, but I was in a good mood, so I told her to meet me the night after at the park where we used to play music, she came and we get together, she became my second girlfriend (I had only 4 in my life, the rest were never serious relationships), I like her character, her humor and the fact that she was kind of average looking made me probably feel safe, so I went all in. This means I am not seeing any other girl, the few times I committed I became absolutely monogamous, there is only my woman, other females do not even register in my brain, I never needed female external validation, what I truly craved was connection. So she was with me for two years, I moved to a surgery specialization (40 spots) and the fact that I was in a relationship with my girlfriend helped me to avoid my involvement with any female peers in my course (which was always a trouble and annoying drama in the end during my studies) so it was a smooth ride (besides the fact that I had to work and study and attend my internship so not much time to study, had to confide on my intelligence and quick learning to pull through as the uni was expensive and my parents could never afford it). But I was happy with her, it lasted about 2 years one day she broke up, I am fairly certain that is because dopamine faded and she found another guy in her university, one who was safer since she was from a rich family and I am from a struggling one, I am not sure she betrayed me before breaking up but it did not hurt as much as the previous time, also because she was rather tactful in the process. Still for my nerve system it was another confirmation of me being unlovable, when dopamine is out they pull back, if they see you they cannot love you, deal with it and move on.

Since then I focused on work and study almost abandoned completely girls with the exception of random flings and few one nighter that happened casually, but in general I avoided women as much as possible, anyway my soul had accepted that even if I can truly love someone fully that is not a 2 way street, something must be broken in me, someday they will pull out save the misery and accept random encounters for the rest of your life.

Then I met her. I was 25 and she was 23, my best friend invited me in his mansion San Remo (a fancy coastal city in Italy), he was together with a Polish girl they met in Malta and since then we took holidays together in Spain (she was coming with her girlfriends, we were a group of guys, and I was the one getting them all, but never moved past vacation romance, even if one was really having a hard crush on me and she still has to this day), then my uni and finances got tighter as I needed to help financially home, so I could never save for vacation after my second girlfriend breakup, but since it was just for a few days and the train was very cheap and home was provided there and I truly needed a vacation since I was burned out I kind of caved in and decided to go. Now like every vacation with them, his fiancee was always bringing with some other girlfriends, and since they both kind of wanted another italian-polish couple to do activities together I was always vetted about who would be coming (she knew I was popular with all her girlfriend in the past and her boyfriend knew I am absolutely faithful when committed, they were basically pitching them to me every year). This time there were 2 coming, one a easy going 'party girl' and the other one was the girl who should have come before (but never did) and I discarded before because she was in a relationship with a narcissistic asshole that she was hoping to break, but I do not meddle in couples, it's my own code, if a girl is in a relationship she is off limits, not matter how stunning or how bad her boyfriend is, I am not doing this shit other human beings for ego and stupid validation, I do not need it. But this time she broke up 2 months before and she was single (he ditched her) and so it was ok. First came the other one, pretty and cute and obviously open to have some fun but really I was not in the mood (I was really in the period that I was not into girls at all, if it happened it happened but I promised to avoid it if possible). So I relaxed, Ignored her flirting and set my mind ' this is going to be a relaxing holiday for me, no girls, no sex, just sea sun and chill' and the first 2 days it was just that, then she came. I was out with other friends in town while the hosts were picking her up from the station, so I met her in the evening when we came back, they were having a drink on the balcony.

I do not know how many ever had this moment, the moment when you see someone and you immediately say "she is different" for the first time in my life I met someone I truly wanted and I could see for her was the same. Two days later we were together, it was intense like nothing ever before, like you have know this person from your entire life, it's difficult to express in words unless you experienced it. She is the love of my life, the One I feel a connection that nobody ever reached into me. And I changed, I made plans in my mind, I will be with her no matter what, she was going to do an LLM in Germany and I will meet her there this will not stop to the end of summer. So I did. I doubled my efforts with University, work, saved every cent and we started a long distance relationship and made it work. She could not believe it and neither I could but it worked and we kept it up when she came back to Poland too after her LLM.

Of course that took a toll on me, I had to cut all distractions and hobbies and free time, had only time for Med School and work, I took 2 night jobs, slept less and pulled through, but I had more energy even if my social circle was almost completely excluded from my life (they are still my best friends today, but I physically had no time for anything else). At the same time I tried hard to make her feel safe as she was worried of the distance of the future and I wanted to show her with all my energy that we can make it, so from 2005 til 2007 it worked. But slowly she changed, she is a lawyer and she got a better job at a new bigger law firm, she started to complain about my 'being stuck' (med school takes long, especially the plastic surgery specialization I undertook, but it also guarantees a wealthy future) while she was moving forward in the world and I was terrified by hearing that, so increased my efforts and assurance to show her that I truly meant it. The complaints slowly became critics, then contempt, it was fine when we met but it was painful, I was again in my fucking loop of "soon she will wake up and realize you are unlovable and leave you, you must make her feel safe" maybe some of you can relate to this feeling of desperation. Then in January 2008 since she got a promotion and a bigger salary and she finally moved out of her parent's home to rent an apartment in the center of Warsaw. It is hard to say how proud I was of her, she called me to tell me that she moved in and she was going with her girlfriend to a club to celebrate, I was just filled with joy for her and I wanted to scream "you see? I knew you had it in you (she was very insecure before me and I built her confidence up) you are great! and this is another step forward, we will make it, we will be finally living together! I am so proud of you. Go, have fun girl you earned it! I love you! (which I never said to anyone except her)".

And usually she texted me on her nights out even just to wish each other goodnight. That night nothing, I texted her goodnight since I was going sleep and tried to call her but no pick up. Unusual but I thought it was just the club or maybe she did not see the phone in her purse, so I went to bed. Woke up in the middle of the night to check, no signs. Did not sleep much that night but I had absolute trust in her, I was just worried something happened but I did not want to alarm her for nothing, I sucked it up and tried to sleep. Morning came, no signs. I text her, try to call her, no answers. I waited few hours, called her again several times with no success (I thought she might be busy in the office sometimes she worked on Weekends), then I started to freak out, I was really worried something bad could have happened to her (but you probably know that other sneaky sensation crawling inside your gut), so I tried to reach out to her girlfriends, no answer on my call but to one text I got the "D. is fine" very short, but at least calming enough not to contact her parents.

She called me back in the evening, tone pissed off, cold, annoyed that I was reaching out so much. That chilled my blood, I could not understand her behavior that is natural to be worried for your beloved one when they disappear, I think I ended up stupidly apologizing for what she calls "overreacting" but that creepy sensation was beginning to scream inside me. You know what happened, otherwise you would not be here. I was in denial but deep down I knew it too.

Comes Valentine's day the date we were supposed to meet so I boarded my plane, trying to convince me that my gift and our meeting will clear out the clouds, as she was hard to reach more critic than ever and cold since that night. I came to the airport and she wasn't there (I felt bad but I excused that too, you know, denial), I took a cab to her new apartment and she met me with a cold kiss on the lips, she evaded my touch and hugs and she was hastily preparing to go to work, so I felt like shit, I was starting to feel the ice in my veins and she quickly left without a kiss or a hug or nothing leaving me alone in the apartment and I did not see her until late evening. Of course all my instincts were screaming like they kept doing everyday since that night she went to 'celebrate' my mind was in complete shock and the denial was shaky but still trying to find a different explanation. That night she sat giving me the back and I gave her my Valentine's gift she burst out crying "I don't deserve it!" and I collapsed. I asked her who is the other guy, I voiced what I knew already, she denied, she denied that there was anyone else or that her feeling changed, I wanted to believe her with desperation but I knew the truth as I always did, and when we went to bed She kept her distance and it was the most unreal night of my life, I could not sleep, I kept trying to explain or find any other reason in my mind until the sun came up and she woke up. And she was cheerful and pretending is all fine, her body avoiding any contact with me, stiffening if I casually touched her, I did not know what the fuck to say, it is indescribable how surreal that felt. And we went out for a walk in the city, she was cheerfully chatting and walking like nothing changed, but at some point I could not take it and I just grabbed her hand like we always did while out and her reaction was soul crushing: her face twisted in disgust, she pulled her hand up and freed it with a jerking motion that made me feel like inhuman trash. I died in that moment. I did not try any physical approach, I felt shattered, I do not think I said much or remember, I remember only the pain and the screaming inside my chest and how hard it was to breathe. In the evening I spoke to her, we broke up, I tried to make her confess she met someone else but she vehemently denied it all, making me feel like crazy because I felt it inside and it was eating me alive. That was a Sunday, she was to go to the office the day after, I was in pieces my entire world was shattering in front of me, but I will be damned if I cry in front of her.

Monday morning she leaves, I wait long enough to see her far away then I sit on the bed and cried in a way that I never think a human being could. It was a scream from the soul, annihilating sensation of your souls being ripped apart something you cannot contain and you cannot breathe. In that moment you die. Is deeper and more painful than any physical or emotional pain you can ever experience, you see your identity going in pieces, all your reality, existence, feelings, it''s physical pain and that voice screaming out from the depths you cannot believe it is you, I wonder if death feels like that, but after experiencing this I don't fear it as much anymore.

I could only call my brother and he did not even wanted to know what happened, he just heard my voice and said "come back home to the people who truly love you". She came back I said I could not stay there for the week we planned, I booked a flight back the day after and she immediately became all cheerful and friendly, all smiles and casual like is the most normal thing in the world, all while I was dying inside packing my stuff. Morning after she calls a taxi and stays on her phone until the cab is there. When it arrives I only say "I am going, goodbye then" and she comes smiling, hugs me and kisses me (I am completely in shock then so I cannot even process what the fuck she is doing) and she looks me in the eyes with her brightest smile after and says "maybe we can still have sex sometimes, because sex was great!". Believe it or not that sentence was the final stab, if you can kill a dead person that's how to do it because it casted me even deeper into the abyss.

Now you all know what was happening then, she was fucking a fat guy who not only treated her like trash but also filmed a porn with her (and other girls) on hidden webcams and infected her with an STD, then he dropped her after 3 months.

And she came back to me, she became my wife later, but the story does not obviously end here, I will finish it in a second post because there is more to the pain but also to the resolution of it, even if took years, I know until now it just sounds like a fucking horror story but I promise, there is hope to get back to the light and out of the storm someday. I just need a break to reorder the idea and because going back to these things even now, still hurts like when the day they happened.

And probably I also needed to share something that I never shared with anyone, since I kept it inside me for so long and I do believe only who was through this special kind of hell can truly understand what it means and feels like.

But I promise with the next part I will make sense of it all.

22 comments posted: Sunday, January 11th, 2026