Worst Christmas Present Ever
Hello everyone. Let me start by saying that this is the 1st time I have ever joined a community support group or forum, so I apologize if I am not used to using the abbreviations yet or if my post is way too long. I had actually registered on this site a week or so ago but just could not seem to bring myself to post anything yet.
My partner (let's just call him John) and I have been together for the past 12.5 years. I found out this past Christmas Eve morning that he has been seeing someone (let's just call him Matt) he met at his work for the last 5-6 months. Not only physical, but emotional as well, as they have apparently told one another that they love each other.
John and I have not had actual intercourse for the past year. I have been dealing with physical medical issues for the past few years, but this past year, they became so bad that they were preventing me from being with him in that way. I was completely open to other sexual activities but John flat out said he didn't want to do those because he would want it to lead to intercourse and would then become disappointed when it did not happen. He has always been a much, much more sexual person than myself, but I honestly thought he was "ok" with it to a certain degree. He never got angry about the lack of sex, never threw it in my face or tried to make me feel bad about myself. He would say things like "It's ok, I'm not complaining. We're fine" and "Every couple goes through good years and bad years. This is just a bad year."
I felt like my heart stopped when he confessed. I hated Matt, the other man. I can honestly say that I have never felt that kind of hatred inside of me ever before. But I didn't hate John for some reason, I just felt incredibly hurt and betrayed by him. Throughout our whole relationship, I have always told him that cheating was the one thing I didn't think I could ever get over. I haven't been able to with other men that I have dated in the past. It was always a very simple decision for me to cut ties and move on. But John and I have 12 years of history. John also verbalized that he wanted to continue to see Matt. He wanted to have a relationship with both of us but keep them separate. He literally wanted the best of both worlds, telling me that he feels that he might be "polyamorous." That has never been a lifestyle that interested me but I was so scared of losing him, that I had agreed to at least learn more about it. Before the affair became known to me, we had actually started seeing a sexual health therapist to enhance our relationship in the midst of my physical problems. So needless to say, all of this new information threw our therapy plans into a completely different direction, going from "how to love each other greater" to "how to share the man I love with someone else and be ok with it."
About a week after the confession, right after New Years, John went to stay in another city a couple hours away due to work, which was nothing new. His job sends him all over the place. He called me early the next morning... he was not at a hotel, he was at Matt's house... and had apparently overdosed on something that Matt gave to him. John was in medical need and I had no idea where he was or what he had taken. He would not tell me where Matt's house was or even let me talk to Matt to at least find out what happened (P.S. - I am a nurse, so my head was spinning with everything that could possibly be happening to him at that moment). I spoke with John multiple times throughout the day (especially considering that Matt left him alone and went to work), making sure he was ok and even telling him, as much as i hated to do it, to stay at that Matt's house until he was feeling better.
John eventually came home the next day, scared and remorseful, saying that all he could think about was me and our life together. He said he was determined to work on us. Over conversations that day, I discovered that John was more manipulative in this whole situation than I originally believed him to be. It wasn't something that "just happened" as he claimed. In fact, he basically tricked Matt, telling him that he and I were no longer in a relationship, just still living together. He made Matt think that he was single and free to begin a new relationship with no strings attached. At this point, I was disgusted actually. To play with someone's heart like that... it made me start to feel sorry for Matt. I couldn't believe I felt bad for this person but he was tricked. After learning this, the hurt I felt towards John turned into the hate and rage that I had been feeling for Matt.
But John ended up coming clean to him, telling him the truth about our relationship and that he could no longer see him. Yet they continued to text each other throughout the day, every day. And John didn't see anything wrong with that as long as they were not physically seeing each other. I, on the other hand, saw this very differently. After another solo session with our sexual health therapist, John said that he told Matt that they should no longer communicate at all.
Throughout this entire time, I have remained calm and tried to be grounded when speaking to John about the affair and what he wants for "us." I was walking on egg shells. I was scared to push him too back into Matt's arms but I was also scared of myself, feeling like I didn't even know myself anymore. A few days ago, everything inside me came out and I was angry. Extremely angry and loud. John refuses to delete/block Matt's number which makes me very upset. I do believe that no one has the right to tell anyone else who they should be able to communicate with, but that phone number is a symbol to me, a continued slap in the face. I would like to think if John was serious about "fixing" us, he would see that.. aside from me already making it known to him verbally.
So this is where I am now. I don't trust John anymore. That fact really upsets me because I never had a problem doing that during our whole relationship. Even during our first couple years together when our relationship was long distance, I never had any doubts or concerns or red flags. Now, just the sound of a text message going off on his phone sets my mind racing. I just don't know what to do at this point. Do I want to save our relationship? I don't know. Do I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness? I don't know. I'm finally past the point where I am having to medicate myself just to make it through the day without bursting into tears. I feel numb at times, where I just don't care, and then thoughts enter my head all of a sudden. Are John and Matt still talking or seeing each other? Do they have nicknames for each other? Does Matt know that John is obsessed with a specific brand of ice tea and makes sure to have it there for when he would come over? Do they quote movies in regular conversations like John and I do? Do they have inside jokes like John and I do? Does Matt rub John's head after a long day to help him fall asleep like I do? These are the thoughts that bring rage back to me. All the more so when John interacts with me like nothing ever happened, when at the same time, a hurricane is swirling in my head.
Again, I apologize if this post is extremely long. There is so much more to the my story that I have not written, which I am sure is true for everyone posting in this forum. I know that this is nothing new and that people can come out stronger on the other side. It's just very hard at the moment to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you start to question your own sense of self. Everything is still too fresh, I guess.
1 comment posted: Friday, January 23rd, 2026
