I've ruined everything
Me (41m), BW (35f) for over 6 years, married over 2.
DDay - yesterday (Jan 19th)
On Saturday (17th) I made the worst mistake of my life and had a ONS with a mutual friend while my pregnant BW was away for the weekend. Alcohol was involved but is obviously no excuse. Ever since I’ve been drowning in guilt - barely been able to eat, not really sleeping. I know I deserve this and so much more.
I told her almost immediately upon her return - I didn’t want to break this news over phone/text. She was devastated. We both broke down separately on the floor, out of eye sight from one another. She didn’t direct any hurtful words at me, but she said a number of things that still tore me apart. This is our first baby and is nigh a miracle; she said that even though she’s wanted a child for so long she regretted that she was pregnant. That hurt so much worse than any insult or physical object she could have thrown at me.
I wish there was some way I could help. I wish I could take her pain. But mostly I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid. I destroyed my relationship with my best friend, the person I care about the most in the world.
I was intentionally vague about the intimate details when I told her about the ONS, but I told her I’d be forthcoming if she asked. Before she went to bed she did ask for those details, which I answered to the best of my recollection.
I am regret. I am shame. My heart reels watching the woman I love so deeply go through this pain that I caused. I wish I was a better person.
She asked "why" it happened. Said it was psychopathic for me to have done this now, given our situation. I don’t really recall how it even started that night; I think I was just excited that someone was showing interest? I need to figure out the why, not just for her but for me, if I ever want to be better, so I can be sure that this never happens again. I’ve have an initial appointment with an IC today, and I hope this is the first step on my journey of self discovery.
BW doesn’t think she can confide in anyone, doesn’t have anyone to talk to. I understand that; right now I don’t think I can tell anyone I know either. I suggested she find forums, or even get her own IC, but I think the wound is still too raw. She needs a little more time to process on her own first. At least I’ve had time to peruse these forums as I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, and now that I’ve joined I’m hoping I can find some community. A common theme I’ve seen around here is "be careful who you tell, because you can’t un-tell". I get that, but when I’m the person she would usually confide in and I’m the one who caused her so much pain, where can I direct her?
She said she doesn’t know what to do about the relationship. That her options of staying and leaving are both terrible. I told her I recognize that, I apologized again, and said that she doesn’t have to decide now. That I’d do whatever she wanted to because I need to face the consequences for my mistake. But I told her I still loved her so much and wanted to make this work, and I would do anything to keep us together. It hasn’t been 24 hours since D so I don’t know what will happen. But I know that this mistake will haunt me forever. I can’t imagine my life without her, but I know that’s a very real possibility. It terrifies me. I wish I’d had that same realization on Saturday.
I feel like a hollow shell. I know I need to find strength to support her in whatever ways she’ll allow me. But how do I find that strength when I'm just so damned sad?
3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 20th, 2026
