Fantasy Vs Reality

This is my first post. I've been on the site for some time, and recently I decided to create my account and start interacting. SI has been very useful for me, its library is really amazing. Reading several posts and realizing that I'm not alone in this (unfortunately) was a big help.

Fantasy VS Reality

Many times we confuse fantasy with reality, and of course in Affair it would be no different.

For context:
I’m 30 years old and my xWW is 34. We were together for 12 years, we don’t have children (thank God). I caught her cheating on me.

We tried a false R that lasted 2 months. I couldn’t deal with her affair fog (for a long time I believed it wasn’t limerence or affair fog). Seeing her suffer and desire AP, breaking NC several times, destroyed and completely undermined what I felt for her.

Of course, as soon as I asked for the separation she ran straight into AP’s arms. That completely sealed our relationship for me. All of this happened 10 months ago, we barely spoke after that.

Well, about 1 month ago, to the surprise of exactly 0 people, all of that ended. Now AP is a POS, abusive and toxic. Magically I became the love of her life again (I definitely don’t believe that).

It doesn’t make sense in my head: if she loved me all this time, why trade 12 years for a temporary A?

For me this is where "Fantasy VS Reality" comes in. I’ve read and reread many cases and many of them have patterns:
BP becomes the villain, WS the victim, and AP the heroic savior.

WS creates false narratives or exaggerates small things to justify their transgressions. Of course there are exceptions: some affairs are purely physical, others emotional, others are about escape, and so on.

AP says the right things at the right time. Everything is magical. The butterflies in the stomach (those damn butterflies in the stomach…). The sex is magical, compliments, floods of compliments.

But there is no real life together.

They don’t pay bills together, they don’t raise children together, they don’t live together!!! They simply separate the good parts of a marriage and leave the "bad parts" for the BP.

I met my xWW when I was 17 years old. She suffered from anxiety, I dealt with it when I didn’t even know what it was. Back then people barely talked about it.

When her father died, I was there.
When her family turned their backs on her, I was there.
When she had suspicions of depression, I was there.
When she wanted to start new hobbies, I was there.
When she wanted to open her own business, I was there.
Financially, physically.
When she needed surgery, I was there.

I was there for her on many occasions.

She herself admitted that she had no reason to cheat on me. That our marriage was good. That I was a healthy and safe partner. We were preparing to have our first child and BOOM…

SHE DECIDED THAT STABBING ME IN THE BACK AND DESTROYING MY HEART was acceptable.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I believe that if you are unhappy in a relationship, if you no longer love your partner, you absolutely should separate and look for happiness.

I WOULD HAVE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.

And she knew that.

But no… she needed to deceive me, humiliate me and hurt me.

There is no love in that.

Browsing another forum, I came across an old case. A WW cheated on BP with their church pastor. She was deeply in the affair fog.

A comment directed at BP caught my attention (I might be paraphrasing):

"... let her go, reality will hit her (They had 3 kids and AP had 4 or 5 if I remember correctly), all underage. What does she think is going to happen? They’re going to move into a new house with 7/8 kids involved? Are they going to have sex all over the house like rabbits? That’s impossible with young children.

Not to mention they will face the anger and hatred of the children blaming them for the destruction of their families. On top of that there will be the social stigma falling on them.

This relationship definitely won’t survive.

They were only able to have an affair because their spouses were supporting them at home, dealing with duties and children!!!..."

And this is where reality hits. Most of the time, affairs are fantasies that collapse when they face reality.

Sorry, I’m just venting and I found this topic interesting.

Please BP and WS, feel free to comment or share your personal experiences about fantasy vs reality. I would love to read them.

Thank you very much in advance, and please excuse me if I’m breaking any rules or posting this in the wrong place.

Feel free to move it.

English is not my first language, so please excuse any spelling mistakes.

0 comment posted: Monday, March 16th, 2026