Now he doesn’t want to try

Hi everyone, its been 5 weeks since i found out my husband of 8 years had an affair with a colleague. It’s literally the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. For the first 6 weeks, he was begging for forgiveness and i could see the remorse. He signed up for individual therapy himself and after reading some positive stories of reconciliation i thought i would try. So i said if he wants to go to couples therapy i need these conditions met which includes passwords to everything, and a long term solution for work. That freaked him out. My mum also text him if he cant change then dont waste my time. I would describe him as a dissmissive avoidant and any pressure makes him crack. So after 2 weeks of back and forth, and him saying i dont know if i can do these things, or be this person, i said "okay dont worry about the list, i was in fight or flight and lets just go to therapy." Then he starts saying, " i dont want to, im not ready for marriage and im not going to be ready anytime soon". He said i should never have kicked him out because it made him too comfortable with the idea of being alone. I was shocked. I kept saying how are you so prepared to give up when we haven’t even tried. And he said i would be fighting for this alone and he wasn’t happy in the marriage. It feels like i have been crushed 5 times over. Its been 3 days since that conversation and i have started no contact with him. Its really emotionally hard. We have a 4 year old and it pains me when he comes to get her. It also pains me that he gave up on her having a family without even trying. Im just leaving it as is at the moment and focusing on myself. I dont know if over time he will come around or not. Im planning for thr worst just incase. Has anyone been in this position?

7 comments posted: Wednesday, February 4th, 2026