How do you know when your BS is done?

Long time lurker first time poster.

When did you know that your BS or you if you were the BS was really truly done?

10 years together. No kids. Have a house together. Both late 20s.

We've been going to MC for 6 months and had two DDays. One in late June 2025 and one in early September from me trickle truthing. He's been hopeful until Monday of this week.

We've had the longest string of bad days since the start. So far we've had over half of our days pretty good. Last night he punched the ground and called me a whore and threw his phone across the room. He keeps calling me fundamentally broken and a bad person. He says I have a void that can only be filled with dick. Before when things were bad he has said he felt unsure about whether he wanted to be done, he says now he feels sure. He is in a very heightened state right now and I don't know if he's making it in response to current state or long term desires.

He spent all yesterday on forums (here and Reddit) reading stories of people who stayed together and regretted it which he attributes to his feeling that he is certain this time. He believes the vast majority of people who stay together regret it. He believes he can never look at me the same way again. He grieves so deeply what we had pre -DDay and wants to be with someone he can look at and not have the "yes but" feeling with.

We've spent today flip flopping between him yelling at me and us holding each other and crying at the idea of us being done.

When did you know? Is there any hope for us?

Our Story:
I cheated on my partner of 10 years 3 times. We were in an open relationship for most of our relationship.
-One was a EA where I told I friend I loved him in 2019 with no action after.

Then I had two violations of our open relationship agreements:
-First I flirted with a guy for 3 weeks in a community group I was in who wasn't my friend at the time but became in a group of friends that formed from the community group. I cut it off later than I should have. I didn't tell him about it. This violation was I flirted with someone who became part of a friend group later on.
-Second on a trip to Europe I went to France and spent three days with a French man who I had hooked up with (ethically under our arrangement) 7 years prior. This violation was we spent time together outside of the intent of having sex.

During these infidelities I was filled with ambivalence -- feeling an emotional connection but wanting to stop feeling it because I wanted to be with my partner. I journaled about these feelings to try to get them out and done with but did not disclose the feelings. This May I made plans to go back to Europe and was going to meet up with the French man.

He found out by going through my phone. He read my private journal notes, looked at messages, etc. I trickle truthed for 2 months until September of 2025 I finally told him everything but only after he pressured me. I feel horribly about my trickle truthing and wish I had just gotten it all on the table.

I am fully committed to R but have stumbled on the way. I have NC with all of those people. Im in IC and fully accept all the horrible things I've done. I've restarted medication that I stopped. We've closed the relationship. I give him full access to my phone and have my location on for him to see at all times. None of these entitle me to R and I know that I deserve separation.

2 comments posted: Friday, February 6th, 2026