Having a hard time

This is the first time that I am posting something, and I want to say that I appreciate that this forum exists.

My WH and I have been together for more than 30 years. We met in university, and so we were very young.

He has had a recurring pattern of "changing his focus" (the way he describes it) to other women. When he senses that a woman that he is attracted to is attracted to him, he seems powerless to resist.

The most recent time was a year-and-a-half ago. He and a work colleague engaged in heavy sexting. I sensed that something was off, and that he was engaging in a relationship with this particular woman, and confronted him about it. He denied any inappropriate relationship, saying they were friendly colleagues. However, a couple of days later, I found 2 weeks of sexting chats between them. He had deleted them on his phone, but somehow they hadn't updated on his computer. All of the risqué pictures were deleted, but the chats surrounding them were quite graphic. He swears that they didn't do anything physical, and I am inclined to believe him because the chats did seem to support that. However, I can't be 100% sure. He still works with her, and this is hard for me.

10 years before that, he had another relationship with another coworker. This one did get physical, and they did sleep together. It ended badly. She wanted him to leave me, and he didn't want to. So, she sent me a bunch of pictures of them together in various places (always with her head removed from the picture), bars, restaurants, hiking, him in her bathroom (with lingerie hanging on the wall). He insisted for more than 2 years that nothing physical happened. That they were friends, and she wanted more, that she was mentally unstable and trying to break up his marriage. None of the pictures showed anything overtly sexual, although like with the lingerie, some pictures seemed to imply it. We fought badly during that time. Finally, he came clean and told me he had slept with her, and that they had had an affair for three months.

While in the immediate aftermath of his confession, he promised me "he would be the man I deserved," after a couple of months of my getting upset about it, he lost patience. He wouldn't go to counseling with me. When I got upset, he had no empathy for me. We limped along like that for 10 years until the next "change in focus" happened.

And, there were a couple that happened before those two, although they were not as serious, and there was no physical relationship.

Now, you may ask why I stayed through all of that, and I want to also say that when we get along, it's really good. We are very compatible and a really good team. We have similar views, beliefs and outlooks. Each of these events happened years apart from each other, and there were very good times in-between. We had two sons together, were living a really good life. And, we both love each other, even now.

But, I have this deep-seated resentment that pops up from time to time, and honestly I find it crippling. We have tried to work through our issues, and he has really tried too. However, when I am triggered/get upset, he typically responds defensively. He has told me that it is very hard for him to feel any empathy when he is feeling attacked, and we have terrible, terrible fights. Afterwards he can, but not when I am feeling hurt and really needing it.

And I am having a hard time. I am tired of feeling resentment. I have tried therapy, and this helps, but it doesn't stop me from going down the rabbit hole of resentment. Afterwards, I feel awful and terrible regret about getting so upset. But it seems that I can't help myself.

I would like to hear from those of you who have gone through similar things, and if you were able to get to a better place, what helped you get there. I feel crippled by these feelings, and I need to change them.

Thanks so much for your attention. It means a lot to me.

2 comments posted: Thursday, February 26th, 2026