Am I an idiot?

I live in the UK and I'm so glad to have found this site. I'm 49 and my husband is 50. Seven days ago my husband broke down telling me I needed to break up with him as he had cheated on me with a sex worker and I deserved better. It appears the guilt of him going for an STI test proved too much and he had to tell me (the results at the time hadn't come back but he's a health phobic at the best of times and was convinced he had infected us both) I managed to calm him down and get him to talk openly. I have no idea what happened but something took over and I was too worried about his mental state to be angry. After he calmed down enough to talk clearly, he confessed to have cheated on me 3 times during our 9 year relationship and he has also cheated on his previous girlfriends with sex workers too (but they never found out). He had also used cam girls too.

He went to his first sex addicts anonymous meeting (in person) the following day... and by the fourth day we were having our first marriage therapy session via Zoom (all found online by me). He came back from the SAA meeting in a much better frame of mind and the marriage therapist suggested he see the doctor about getting anti depressants and also asking about an ADHD diagnoses. (She had little to say to me)

I seemed to be on autopilot the past few days and then finally, the day after the therapy session which managed to make me feel even lonelier, it all hit me and I finally cried long and hard but I was so shocked that I hadn't seemed to process anything up to that point.

Thankfully the STI test came back all clear so that's something I guess. I feel so alone and like my entire universe has shifted to a dark side I knew nothing about. I know I can't tell anyone what I'm going through
My friends would not understand why I'm not running for the hills and the friendship would no doubt change. My family would be devastated, my grown up kids from my first marriage adore their stepfather and I'm very fond of my stepson (my husbands son from his previous relationship)

I've found COSA and my first zoom meeting with them is tomorrow and I hope speaking to others might help me process my emotions.

Husband has appointment with doctor next week too to talk about anti depressants and ADHD as therapist suggested. I have a tracker on his phone and he's put adult site blockers on his phone.

He says he's determined to get help and save our marriage.... but then says something like "I will probably only need to go to SAA meetings for a few months" (It was only his first meeting, perhaps he doesn't realise this is a long term thing just yet, he will be getting a sponsor next week)

The only other time I was previously aware he cheated was before we got married (again he went for an STI test and the guilt took over) At the time he told me it was an ex girlfriend and I eventually forgave him. (Of course now he's confessed that it had actually been a sex worker.)

He says he wants to just be honest with me from now and wants to get the help he needs to keep me and be the husband I deserve....

....am I just the worlds biggest idiot?

7 comments posted: Monday, March 9th, 2026