Is this my punishment?

This is a long story so bear with me

I started dating my wife when we were 16. She was my first and I was not hers. She never had a boyfriend before me but sort of a situationship. Their relationship was basically fooling around. It was highly toxic and ended up ending. He ended up SA her when she said no, thinking she was hard to get.

Enter me, a few months after. We started dating but we’re sort of long distance. About a 45 minute drive. We dated through high school and university. It was a tough time because of the distance(university was an hour and a half away). In her third year of university she ended up telling me that she messaged her ex. She fully broke down and told me she thought I would leave her. I asked to see the messages and she told me no, it’s bad. I tried to leave and she stopped me. We ended up talking a bit that night but she wouldn’t show me the messages.

It fucked me up for a while. We talked about it off and on and she would just tell me sorry. I think I tried to put it away that it wasn’t really cheating to justify staying. Looking back now I realized that we only saw each other on the weekends so I didn’t even like bringing it up on the little amount of time we had together. I was playing the pick me dance and she was love bombing.

That was in the spring before summer break. This ex is a mutual friend of mine so I guess he came forward and told my friend. Towards the end of the summer he came to me and told me what he had heard. They were supposedly sexting, talking shit about me and reminiscing on their past.

Again the emotions flooded in. I wasn’t seeing my girlfriend that weekend but i called her and basically she told me that this is something we talked about. Something that we are past.

So I dropped it. I put it away. A few years later we get married, have two daughters and life seemed fine. When my sister had an affair she was totally against her, even when I pointed out the hypocrisy.

Enter last year and we aren’t doing good. Valentines came around and she was in such a bad place, she didn’t get me anything, didn’t even care about the flowers I got. Lots of arguing, she’s emotionally drained from work, stress from the kids. One night she came to me crying and breaking down about how I’m not there emotionally for her. I didn’t go to her, I didn’t comfort her. We fought a couple times after that regarding this incident. Then something clicked. She wanted this communication now? We rarely fought before this and never had any big emotional dealings since her cheating. All the emotions from her cheating came back, like it was fresh. It stewed in me for a few months until I came out to her last summer.

Her reaction was anger. She had no idea what I was talking about. It felt like my identity was destroyed. I ended up leaving the room and calling my friend to bring me back. He was telling me I have to press her more, try to get the truth out.

I went back upstairs and she was showering. To me that’s weird considering everything. We ended up talking after and she was still acting like it never happened. We ended up doing some hysterical bonding for a couple of weeks. I would bring it up here and there but she was adamant on it being something that was not serious. I would go through periods of depression where I would want space and it would cause her to spiral in some sort of shame. She would say she thinks I’m going to leave her, I’m never going to get past it and how she thinks I need therapy. I started therapy and it helps but it doesn’t feel enough.

She says she wants to help me but hasn’t done anything to. Told me she would reach out to a close friend if they had talked about it back then. Didn’t until I asked three times and when she did she seemed dismissive about it. She now blames it on her late adhd diagnosis. She thought we were doing better before I brought it back up. That could be tied to her medication or me realizing she’s overwhelmed and doing more of a share around the house. We were doing better that’s why at some point I felt vulnerable to bring it up. But that backfired.

For someone who goes to the doctor for almost everything, including small pains it seems weird that she wouldn’t seek help for a huge memory block. She doesn’t remember confessing, the sexting, even seeing her ex’s GF the day she told me(I’m convinced that’s why she brought it up).

I asked her if she was still in contact with him and she told me just friends on social media and we would say happy birthday here and there. When she had disclosed everything to me she had said she was no longer in contact with him. She would see him at the gym and apparently they talked again about their past. This was all new to me. I figured there was no point in bringing up that she would go no contact because she apperently forgot everything.

There has been multiple instances of her implying that it’s not real. That I must have misunderstood something. That causes me to spiral.

I’m stuck because I have an avoidant personality. She has some issues with being in trouble. She gets all fucked up about it. So when I bring it up she will break down and it feels like it goes nowhere. Another part of me is that this was 14 years ago. We built a life together after it. Is this some sort of punishment for rug sweeping? She has told me that I’ll never get the answer so we will never get past this. I don’t know if she truly forgot or if she is lying so I’m stuck.

Sorry for the poor writing and thanks for reading if you do, I’ve done a lot of journaling over this so I probably missed a lot. I’ve been going through forums and Reddit and it seems I can’t find anyone dealing with a spouse that full on forgot. So I figured I needed to let it all out.

5 comments posted: Thursday, March 12th, 2026