BS, 28 (F), DDAY- November 7th 2026. 9 year relationship

Rock Bottom 2.0 - Betrayal Trauma, Trickle Truth & Unsure Whether To Stay

I’m 28F and have been with my partner (28M) for 9 years. We own a house together and have two cats, and until last year I genuinely thought we would get married and have children together (he has a ring and was going to propose). I’m feeling very lost and would really appreciate outside perspectives from people who have gone through betrayal, reconciliation and walking away after betrayal.

For context, I already had a history of childhood trauma/abandonment issues and was in psychotherapy last year. Then in November everything kind of exploded.

Last November randomly- my partner sat me down and disclosed that he was unfaithful with a stripper while abroad with his cousins back in July (he received a lap dance). Since then, he revealed more details such as getting oral sex. He trickled-truthed a lot of important details/ only admitted more when I prodded and investigated which was torture for me and this lasted for a few days. I experienced betrayal trauma, I couldn’t eat, I slept a lot, couldn’t look after myself and wanted to die. I also always felt like there was more that I didn’t know.

After, we started to slowly rebuild only because he did disclose to me voluntarily and honestly believed the betrayal was out of character and that there was still good in him. We’ve had couples and individual therapy. We discovered the root of the problem- his lust, lack of self control, respect towards me, novelty seeking and impulsivity that lead to the betrayal. We also understood other important contexts (not excuses btw!!!). First- his porn habit really contributed to his objectification of women (despite us knowing we each watched porn it was messing up our sex life long before the betrayal). Second we also understood that alcohol was a problem for him- despite him not drinking frequently- when he did it was binging (his dad was an alcoholic and sadly passed in 2018). Third his people pleasing and the simple fact that all his male cousins and uncles were really bad influences. Yes he’s his own man- but if you are surrounded by men who cheat on their wives and cousins who consistently seek strip clubs that would be a factor too. We had some non-negotiables were created- three I want to mention were- no alcohol at all, no porn, and most importantly brutal honesty about any porn relapses/ general transparency in our relationship.

We were doing really well for six months, and even went abroad for a holiday to Albania.
However, over the last few weeks (it is mid May rn) more things have come out. It truly feels like a second rock bottom. Last Sunday, I went on his YouTube history which showed him watching sexual livestreams online and intentionally seeking them out for arousal.
This started a series of confessions:

* During the original betrayal last July, I repeatedly asked if he had ever intentionally planned to cheat. He said repeatedly no- they never spoke about a strip club planning the holiday and that a promoter had approached them to go to a strip club. He revealed that they did indeed look for a strip club the day before betrayal during the day while sober, although they ultimately didn’t go in because of the €80 entrance fee. His therapist knew since Jan but he implied not to tell me (terrible advice because my partner was having panic attacks about keeping it in!!!)
* He admitted to physically crossing boundaries with a co-worker back in 2022 while drunk (touching her bum inappropriately on her way to her taxi), which validated instincts I had years ago that he always denied and minimised. He trickle truthed this for three days leading me to call her and another person person to get the full truth- to which they told me he was extremely drunk and was coming on to her- where she then left and that’s when he touched her bum.
* He masturbated and relapsed twice since November. He had removed Facebook and Instagram but was lying to himself and using loopholes- e.g. just because he wasn’t intentionally going on porn sites- he still found sexualised content/ short clips of porn. He didn’t tell his therapist of the relapses.

The hardest part has not just been the behaviour itself, but the dishonesty and trickle truthing afterwards. What has damaged me the most is the repeated pattern of:
1. Me asking for the full truth
2. Him promising honesty
3. More information still coming out later.
I think the trickle truthing has honestly traumatised me more than some of the actual acts themselves. At the same time, this is where I’m conflicted:

* He has always taken accountability and was remorseful. He even apologised to my parents after the first betrayal and was honest with them.
* He has been consistently working on himself doing individual therapy, couples therapy, reading betrayal books, and listening to infidelity podcasts together
* He started his first SAA meeting since rock bottom 2.0 this week
* He is willing to do a lie detector test because I said I need full disclosure if reconciliation is even going to be possible/ if we break up at least I know everything. We have booked this for next week.

All 3 therapists involved (my individual therapist, another therapist, and our couples therapist) believe I am not emotionally ready to leave right now, even though part of my brain keeps trying to force myself to detach and prepare for separation. This week has honestly felt like emotional whiplash: mornings/nights I miss him terribly, cry, crave his touch and feel devastated- afternoons/evenings I feel stronger and think maybe I should leave.

We’ve started sleeping separately for 4 days, but since yesterday we’ve slept together. A huge part of me feels weak for even considering staying after all this. Another part of me feels like I’m trying to force myself to leave before I’m emotionally ready because I’m scared of future pain. I’m worried we have a trauma bond- my brain says to leave but my body and heart won’t let me.

I think what I’m trying to figure out is:
* Your general opinions on this.
* Has anyone successfully rebuilt after this level of dishonesty/trickle truth?
* How do you know whether you’re staying because of love vs fear/attachment?
* Is it possible for respect and emotional safety to come back?
* Am I making a mistake by not ending things now?

I’m exhausted and honestly feel like my nervous system has been destroyed these last few days. I’d really appreciate honest but compassionate perspectives from people who’ve been through something similar.

0 comment posted: Sunday, May 17th, 2026