Waiting for remorse

Background: Trying to reconcile with WH. ~6 weeks post-D-Day #2, and 4 months post-D-day #1. WH had physical and emotional affairs with a woman he met in an online forum for finding extramarital partners. Married 12 years, together 19. No kids, but years of dealing with infertility.

As we all know, surviving this is a lot of ups and downs. Currently in a down. I started on antidepressants about a month ago, which has been tremendously helpful in keeping me functional enough to work, see family, etc. But it is still hard to get through the days.

Sometimes I worry I am ruminating— am I fixated on this? Am I just picking at it? And then other times I worry I am in denial and not upset enough. It’s exhausting to not trust my own emotions.

The thing I’m currently "ruminating" on is feeling devalued. How could I not? I have mentioned this multiple times to WH, and said I need to feel like he actually loves me. He is trying, so I will give him credit for that, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s moving the needle for me at all. If anything, overtime I feel worse. I wonder if this is in part because he does not really seem remorseful. He flat out said he wasn’t sorry for the initial affair, but he was sorry for starting it up again. He has said he is sorry for hurting me, but obviously it wasn’t enough to prevent him from continuing to hurt me.

I know that it can take a while for the wandering spouse to break out of the affair and come to terms with the reality of what they did. But as I sit here waiting for him to feel sorry for shattering me and our life, I have to wonder how long is it supposed to take? And what if he never feels sorry? Am I okay with that? How can I heal and try to rebuild a life with someone who isn’t sorry for doing something so cruel? Sometimes I wonder if that was the point, or at least part of it. That he wanted to hurt me. That would partially explain why he’s not sorry— he wanted to hurt me, and he achieved that goal.

Anyone else feel like it took a long time for true remorse to kick in?

1 comment posted: Monday, October 5th, 2026

Blindsided

One of the things I’m struggling with today is how unreal this all feels. I recently found out my husband started having an affair in January (although I originally found out about the affair in May, but he lied about when it started). In February we had this weird fight seemingly out of nowhere, where he said he was so unhappy and felt like we were living our lives in parallel. I was blindsided, because that was not my experience at all. Of course, this all makes more sense now knowing that he was already falling in love with someone else.

But it’s that blindsided feeling that is really needling me today. That feeling where your perception of reality is upturned, and now you can’t even trust your own memories. So many moments I look back on where I thought we were happy, but meanwhile he says the past 10 (!!) years have been rough for him. What?!?? Sure, we had our tough patches, and yes, life has thrown us some really shitty challenges in the past few years (cancer, death, grief, infertility…). But to look back at the past decade and sum all of our experiences together as a net negative? That hurts so, so deeply.

A year ago, I would have said he was the only person who fully knows me. The only person who I share my truest self with. That we had a love that was rare, and that other people coveted. That we loved each other and liked spending time together. That we made each other happy. That even when life was painful and hard, I felt comforted knowing we were in it together.

How could I have been so wrong?

6 comments posted: Thursday, September 10th, 2026

How do you keep functioning?

Unfortunately, things just keep getting worse. I’m sure many of you can relate. I trusted my WP when he said the affair was over and he wasn’t in contact with AP anymore. And then two days ago I found emails showing he is talking to her, and had booked flights to go see her. How fucking stupid of me to trust him, when he already betrayed my trust so fully.

We were trying to work through the betrayal and reconcile. Now that is up in the air. He is not sure if he wants me, and I am so hurt I am not sure if I should stay. Our 12 year anniversary is this weekend. He has been my person for half of my life. I can’t imagine life without him, but I also don’t know how I can heal from this. We have been trying for years for kids, including years of IVF. But I just turned 40. I know the odds are already stacked against me, so it also feels like I’m not only losing him, but losing this last chance to be a parent.

Meanwhile, life just keeps on going. I am fortunate to have a good job, and have been taking sick days here and there, but work just piles up. I have a pretty person-facing job, so I have to constantly put on a happy face and act like everything is fine, which is exhausting. I feel like I barely have the capacity to fold laundry right now, much less be a functioning employee.

How did you all manage to keep going through the day-to-day motions? Did you share what has happening with your boss at all? Go on medical leave? Just power through?

13 comments posted: Saturday, August 29th, 2026

Can’t stop thinking about it

Hi everyone. I am almost 3 months post D-Day. Before the affair happened, and while it was happening, we were already in couples therapy. My husband really bottled up a LOT of feelings and resentment for years, so when it came out all of a sudden it has been wave after wave of pain and surprise for me, on top of the affair.

Needless to say I am not doing great. I just started on antidepressants this week, so I am hoping that helps. But right now, I feel so overwhelmed. I cry all the time. This is all I can think about. We are doing couples therapy once a week, and I am doing individual therapy every other week, and group every other week. Lots of therapy! Even with that, I feel an almost obsessive need to think and analyze my feelings. I have read probably 15 books in the past three months about betrayal, relationships, and trauma. And still it feels like not enough. I recently have started talking with AI (Claude), just to have someone to talk with, and it helps but also makes me feel like I am developing AI psychosis haha.

Any other betrayed folks go through this? How did you get through it?

16 comments posted: Friday, August 21st, 2026