step 1 stop behaviors, step 2? reconciliation advice?

Despite books and articles we've read, podcasts and videos listened to and watched, my WH keeps insisting that since he "stopped everything" that should be enough for me to forgive him and move on and everything between us should be fine now. He seems to not know what else to do despite all we've learned about repair, amends, reconciliation. And that "just stopping" isn't enough. He seems convinced just stopping is enough and doesn't know what else I want and seems to think all our problems and lack of ability to just get back to normal and have a happy relationship again are all my fault. Despite all we've learned he seems to not really believe betrayal trauma is real as he thinks all my feelings and behaviors, triggers, etc are all me just...I don't know...being mean and difficult and annoying on purpose or something? Like when I'm hurt and upset and confused I'm actually just being shitty on purpose to hurt him, not actually hurt and upset and experiencing a trauma response. I started therapy with a trauma informed therapist weeks ago, I keep asking him to go see someone too. So far he hasn't. He hasn't been doing much learning on his own about my side of things or actually fixing the relationship, most has been facilitated by me. He refuses to go back over any of the resources I've given or look on his own or talk to anyone. I keep saying yes he's stopped but there's so much more we need to do. Says he explained why things happened (blames all on childhood trauma, or says all was my fault for not being his perfect fantasy partner all the time, no accountability for any of his choices and actions, no care really for how all this hurt and affected me and our lives, seems to think a lot of things were entirely justified, and some things refused to change or even see why I'm upset about them, like some public evidence of things he's done). I'm at a complete loss. Fighting nearly nonstop for years. Crying almost everyday. Things between us just keep getting worse. He keeps treating me worse and caring about me less. And keeps telling me it's been years, he stopped "everything", so why am I still upset? Why haven't I got over it? Why don't I want to kiss and cuddle him and go back to normal and pretend this never happened. That "just stopping" should be enough and the fact that I haven't magically gotten over it after a few years means to him that I'm doing all this on purpose to hurt him (like when I'm triggered or ask questions or don't trust him or don't want to be intimate) and all of this is my fault. He wants me to just tell him what I want and what to do. I said we read and watched so many things that explained this, what I'm going through and what will help the relationship. All the betrayal trauma stuff describes my behavior exactly but he seems to refuse to believe I'm not just "being difficult on purpose to hurt him" and that I'm actually the problem and he basically did nothing wrong besides the behaviors he stopped and since he stopped I guess that means I'm no longer allowed to feel bad about them? He said no he stopped, if that wasn't good enough what's step 2? I told him to go back over things we've read and watched, resources I've shared, look on his own, talk to someone. He kept saying no I have to tell him what is step 2 and he'll do step 2. I told him part of the problem is I can't just tell you what to do and how to behave and then you do it, you have to actually grow and learn and change and take initiative and show me you actually care and understand. And I've already shared tons of resources with you. He just kept asking what I want, what's step 2? I don't know what else to say or what to do. Can anyone help? Relate? Advice? Anything?

4 comments posted: Thursday, June 4th, 2026