What I found after DDay was worse...
DDay was just barely over a year ago. I caught my (F41) husband (M43, Married for 14 years, together for 19) soliciting sex online, and sexting with other women when he was away at a conference. I decided at the time that I would try for reconciliation because we have 2 young children. (6M and 3F). But the year since then has been like clawing my way out of thick fog... and every step has revealed more horrifying things. I am now at the very beginning stages of divorce, though my spouse doesn't know that yet. I am waiting for my lawyer to have an initial contact letter ready before I have a conversation with him where I tell him that I want a divorce. But I am sitting on some vile, land mine type information and its making me feel sick.
I read somewhere that what you find out on DDay is always just the tip of the iceberg. And that has been horrifyingly true in my case.
For most of this past year he has still, even after being discovered, been leaving his computer on and unlocked 24/7. So my discoveries have been made through occasional monitoring of his computer.
First revelation post DDay... my husband likely has compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. (The official, diagnosable term that would include porn addiction.) I have discovered that he keeps a seperate browser window of porn tabs minimized on his computer at all times. (Which might explain why he has been freaking out every time the kids go into his office!) He is watching porn for anywhere from 30 - 1.5 hours per day, almost every day. Sometimes during his work hours. (He's hybrid.) Sometimes during the middle of the day when the kids are home. Even once when we were at my parent's house, and I know he was sitting alone in their living room in the middle of the night.
Second revelation: He has 20 year old nude photos and pornographic videos of ex girlfriends (who are barely legal in the videos) still on his computer.
Third revelation: He has a taste for teen and college girl porn content. The type on regular porn sites where the women are likely legal, but there is no way to tell 100%. (He insisted, vehemently when he was trying to cover up his sexting that the girls were 20 years younger than him, and that would be disgusting. Now I know why he protested so much without prompting!)
Fourth revelation: He sexualizes everything I do... special interests, hobbies. I've found porn related to all of them. The worst one though was when he found my sex toys. New ones, that he had never touched. That I bought on the recommendaion of my therapist to work through some of my betrayal trauma. They were missing for over a week when he came to me and said that "one of the kids found something private of yours. I left it on the bed. Maybe find a better hiding spot." But I found searches in his browser history, dated a full week before he told me this, for the brand I bought the toys from, and of porn videos of women using my specific toys.
Fifth: I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and my husband is likely a narcissist. I've been subjected to all the blame shifting (My therpaist called him a master of blame shifting) gaslighting and minimization. I have confusion, exhaustion, and autoimmune issues associated with it. I can finally, FINALLY see the patterns.
Sixth: He searched for ways to bug my phone.
Seventh: There are disappearing messages in his instagram account going back years. This was likely NOT his first foray into sexting.
Eigth: He has files of downloaded porn videos and photos, going back 20+ years saved on old hard drives that are still connected to his computer.
Ninth: He has a hidden "shag list" of when he has slept with saved amongst his porn.
Tenth: *TRIGGER WARNING. Child porn. If you need to, skip this.*
I found 20+ year old child pornography photos. So at some point in the years just before I met him, when he was in his early 20s, he was searching for, looking at, and downloading images of young teenage girls... 
None of them are of my our children, or of children we know.
I had this last revelation an hour before my first consultation with my lawyer. The lawyer walked me through what my options were. The lawyer's opinion was that if I called the cops he would be arrested. There would be an investigation and a bunch of chaos in our home, that my kids would not be able to be protected from completely. But eventually he would likely be released and not officially charged because he didnt take the images or distribute them, and because the images are 20 - 25 years old. He recommended instead that I collect proof of their existence (I have screen shots of the folder on a secured pin drive.) As we start discussing custody, if my husband starts to push back against me having primary custody my lawyer will have a side conversation with his, basically along the lines of "Did he tell you whats on his computer? Your client doesnt want this custody discussion to go to court." Since my kids are not in the images and not in immediate danger, (I do 99% of the parenting, he's alsmost never alone with them) this will help us ensure that I get primary custody. I've done additional research to check my lawyer's advice and it seems sound. So unless you're a lawyer in my province please no legal advice. I dont need judgement on this decision. Its hard enough as is.
Im struggling with sitting on all of this information, and keeping this last bit a secret. My support system knows bits and peices... but no one person knows everything. No one truly knows how BAD it is. And for now I cant tell either my therapist or my best friend about the child porn because of mandatory reporter laws.
*TRIGGER WARNING OVER*
I am still living with him, interacting with him, every day. He acts like such a nice guy most of the time. And there is all this opperating underneath the surface. I no longer feel like I know who I married, and I feel sick from the contradiction of how he acts most of the time and evertyhing that I know. I feel sick keeping this secret to protect my kids.
Has anyone else dealt with DDay being the tip of the iceberg like this, and revealing a darker side of their spouse? Dealt with having to keep some of what you found out secret either for legal reasons or to protect the kids? How did you cope?
1 comment posted: Friday, June 26th, 2026
