Just found out, looking for R

Not sure why I'm here, but not sure where else to go...

Hello all, I am brand new here and unfortunately brand new to the experience of becoming a BS.

My WS voluntarily disclosed an EA to me, and today is DDay + 3. I think the reason I’m here is that above all I feel confused about the ‘severity’ of the EA and therefore what action is most helpful (if there is a scale - I’m sure this depends on individual feeling and boundaries). I guess I’m just looking to connect and share, since I have no idea how to tell anyone else in my life. I will keep details brief as this is new and I don’t want to share anything I later regret, but…

In short:
- WS had a 2-3 week EA
- AP had previous feelings (1 year)
- messaged on work chat and messaging apps, phone calls while commuting
- Several ‘dates’ for lunch and dinner
- No sex but WS has confirmed romantic physical contact e.g. hand-holding, long hugs
- Exposed vulnerable information about mental health, sexuality
- discussions to the tune of ‘I wish we met under different circumstances’

Because the timeframe was short, and because WS voluntarily disclosed, I thought I could cope well. But it seems to have been a very intense entanglement and I feel very confused. WS hasn’t sent a NC message yet. It feels like we’re going through the motions just trying to get through each day. Both mentally shattered. WS seems afraid to hurt AP's feelings. WS feels manipulated and helpless, but yesterday expressed more accountability and seemed to come to realisation of his responsibility. WS is a self-conscious person who feels very deeply - I'm blindsided and somehow also rationalising it away.

We have both expressed desire for R (M was previously very positive, open, communicative, and WS means the world to me), but right now I am really hurting. Any thoughts on how to get through these first few weeks? I just don't think we can afford MC. Thank you.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, July 1st, 2026