back again

Hi,
I posted here years ago (2006-2009) after discovering WH1 was a serial cheater after 5 years of marriage. We attempted to reconcile but my final D-Day was in October 2007. I actually met WH2 shortly after, in November 2007, but we were casual for about a year before getting serious. We married in 2012.

Unfortunately, I'm here again just shy of 14 years of marriage after discovering in late July WH2's EA and, subsequently, online cheating and other activities going back years. I did not see it coming and the whole journey from D-Day to separation took only 5 days. (He had asked for MC two weeks prior, but a family trip and a massive case of denial kept me from finding out sooner.) WH2 refused to give up his "platonic friend," told me he was "emotionally over" our marriage, and immediately moved into the same post-college apartment complex he lived in when we met almost 20 years ago. He's been demanding a quick divorce ever since.

I have amazing friends and family who have dropped everything to be there for me, but it's hard for them to understand the rollercoaster that comes after D-Day and the anguish of having to make yourself fall out of love with your cheating husband who has suddenly abandoned you. And it was sudden. WH2 admitted that he's been pushing down his thoughts and feelings for years and that he didn't share them with me due to a misguided sense of stoicism ingrained in him by his parents. It's clear from his texts with AP (I read them) that he's been faking it with me while building a fortress of resentment against me for awhile. At one point on D-Day, he cited a comment I made in 2013 as a cause of his unhappiness.

I'm not ignorant that there were issues in our marriage. I was in IC to recover from work burnout and taking steps to reduce the stressors and demands in our lives so that we could focus more on each other. In fact, WH2 encouraged me to take two huge pay cuts over the last 18 months to try to reduce stress, saying that it would be better for me and for us, and that we could make any budget work "together." He was actively cheating on me during both job changes, though he didn't hook up with his AP until April of this year. Imagine my shock when WH2 refused to fight for our marriage just a few months later and tried to implode my life, starting with trying to force a sale of the house and, after failing at that, telling me to keep the furniture but turn over every expensive "toy" in the house - the ones that the stressful jobs he hated and complained about so much had paid for (I was making 5x-8x what he did some years).

He started tearing down every good memory we had, including our recent European vacation at the end of May, which he claimed to have not wanted. Looking at the pictures now, it's incredible to realize how duplicitous he was being, kissing me and grinning in pictures during the day and texting AP after I went to bed. A pattern that continued and escalated into June and July. By the last few weeks before D-Day, he was staying up until 4 or 5 a.m. on weekends to talk to her (learned from security and call logs) - I'd go to bed around midnight and he'd stay up for "one more beer" and then sneak into bed just before I woke. He also gave her the security code to our home while we were out of town, in case she wanted to swim. But yes, "platonic friend."

If you're still with me, thank you. I'm guessing that the above doesn't convey my absolute devastation. I've been in a daze for about 6 weeks. I've lost 25 pounds (which would thrill him - he's lost 100+ lbs on a GLP-1 and began pressuring me to get on one around the time he started up with his AP in April - the irony is that I did, 3 weeks before D-Day). I've learned more about ADHD/RSD, alcoholism, and avoidant attachment (all actual or suspected issues for him) than I ever wanted to know over the last month. I've cried probably twice as many tears as I did grieving my first marriage, because this one seemed solid. If you look, you can probably find one of my smug posts here from the mid-2010s talking about how I felt like WH2 was sent to me as a reward for all the crap I put up with from WH1 and how folks here shouldn't give up.

Well, I give up. Getting blindsided by two repeat/serial cheaters with horrible boundaries and bad communication and coping skills says something about me, and I intend to find out what and fix it. But no more marriage for me.

1 comment posted: Tuesday, September 1st, 2026