Lost myself

I married my wife for 3 years now, we’ve dated 3 years before our marriage. So we’ve been together for 6 years. I found out she was talking to this other guy still after we became official bf/gf after 2 months of dating. I found out because she told me he is still trying to talk to her and she was telling me she was uninterested of him. I wanted to read their text to each other on why he is still trying to text her but she deleted their convo when I told her I wanted to read it. I found out through her conversation with her sister that she was deciding between me and that guy at one point. I went through her phone and she have sexual conversation with the guy. I confronted her and she told me that he raped her and he said he was going to marry her. So she decided to keep on talking to him, because she likes the guy too, but this was before I came into the picture. Because she deleted the conversation I don’t know what to believe. All I know is she became my gf but she was still texting this guy that she has a fling with. I asked her if she did anything with the guy after we already became bf/gf. She said she did not. I asked her if she was flirting with the guy even after we were dating and she said yes. I still consider this cheating. I was trying to be open minded knowing that I asked her to be my gf just after 3 weeks of getting to know her and this may be too soon and she would question if I am even serious since we only meet in person once. At this point, I already have a lot of trust issue because I knew she cheated, she told me this guy raped her but based on her saved conversation with the guy, it does not seem like it was raped. Because even after she said she got raped she was still very flirty with the guy. At the time, I just believed her and just told her to block the guy on fb so he can’t contact her.

2 years later, we have a break because she doesn’t like that I hangout with my cousins cause we drink a lot and she don’t like that. She then unblock the guy raped her and he quickly responded back to her. He is now married and expecting a kid on the way but he still text some very sexual stuff to her. She did not text anything sexual back but I could still she still care about him because she ask about how he was doing and continue conversation with him. I see through their text because she logged into my old iPhone one time so I could see their text through real time. Knowing that they still cared for each other, I messaged her and told her that I saw their whole conversation. I say that I am leaving her. She cried and wished me back. I said no.

2 weeks later, I gave in because I still love her and don’t want to lose her. I wished at this point I should’ve just spend more time to myself and rethink, I rushed because I’m afraid of losing her too. She is my first gf and I think this may be a reason why I keep on going back to her.

Throughout our relationship I always have trust issues because of this situation we have. I would bring this up to her but she always give me the ultimatum to just leave if I keep on thinking about it. I love her so I stayed and try to figure out how to solve this issue. But after our marriage and having 2 kids I still have not figure it out. Everytime she does something unusual like coming home late and not telling me ahead of time or putting on make up to work will always give me flash back trauma about the cheating. I try bringing up to her but it seems like she don’t know what to do, so she does nothing about it. I myself told her that those give me flashback but at the same time, I don’t know what to tell her to do. I don’t know if this will ever be fixed. It’s been 5 years and I still have this trauma. She don’t want to fix it and I am just fixing it myself. She tell me sometimes she don’t feel loved by me and this is a major reason why and I stay my distant. I lost trust and loyalty in her and she don’t want to fix it. I’m here to asked for your thoughts before I try to ask for a therapist for help.

0 comment posted: Sunday, August 30th, 2026