Here we go....... D day news
DDay was Aug 14th. I found this site a few weeks after (thank god) and have learned a lot so far but probably rushed into R. We just crossed our 19th wedding anniversary and have been together for 25 years. I had thought the last 5 years of our marriage to be very special to me and thought we had gotten pretty close compared to our early years. I now feel like an idiot. I've been used for years for my wife to prop herself up on social media to 'friends', family, and customers as having a wonderful married life with 2 beautiful children. While she puts on a fake smile everyday hiding all of her past trauma and struggles.
As I was spice rubbing a wonderful tri-tip to put on the grill for dinner and just opened a nice cold beer- I received a phone call from an unknown number on a friday at 3pm. I NEVER answer numbers I don't recognize but something told me to that day. I woman asked if it was me, and if I was married to (my wife's name). I said- yes, do you need her number? This is my cell phone. She said no, I need you- it took a week of digging to find your number. She said "I am going to send you some texts/pics/screen shots because your wife and my husband are having an affair". My heart is in my throat just typing that out. It was such a horrible feeling. Moments later I got the information that is burned into my brain. Naked pictures of herself taken at her small business, legs spread apart. Sexual conversations, etc. The most recent messages were that week and.....some from 2 fricken years prior. The weekend before D day- she sent him a fresh nude shot HOURS after I left town with my son on a fishing trip for a couple days. It looked like she was reaching out for a hookup (denies of course) but apparently her AP's parents were in town and was busy.
When my wife got home from work I said "we need to talk". She of course acted like she didn't know what about. Even though her AP had called her that morning and told her that his wife had seen his phone. She also sent pics to his family/parents. So, she knew I knew.
Obviously everything on her phone/email had gotten deleted by then. I said I've seen enough. What else is there I need to know? How many times have you had sex? Are there other partners? She didn't hesitate and said twice (sex), no other partners. We could instantly pin point those 2 times almost 2 years ago to when I left down with both kids on a christmas week trip and one month later when I was on an ice fishing trip with my son on his b-day. They supposedly went months at a time without talking but he had recently asked her for 'fresh pics' so her clothes came off and she spread her legs for him and his fresh pics and got the attention she was seeking. 3 years ago she wanted to get a tummy tuck/breast lift to 'feel better about herself'. I helped pay for that. I discovered recently she had secretly been taking weight loss drugs even though she's not overweight. Around the same time as her surgery she also got laser hair removal 'down there'. The timing looks pretty bad. I don't think all that was for her to feel better about herself.
This was a guy she met years ago at her gym, 5:30 am class. But said he doesn't go to the 5:30 class anymore (not that it matters). I said- stop going to the gym. Deleted/block all numbers. She did both. I found out from the gym owner weeks ago that her AP quit the gym. After talking with him (my wife told him why she wasn't there for 2 weeks) I let her go back so I didn't have to hear her whine about it. She claimed NO OTHER GYM is good enough/has a 'community' like the one she's been going to for 9 years. I even offered to start going with her before work in the mornings to a new/diff gym. My 16 year old daughter also works at this gym! I told her she better tell her before she finds out from the rumor mill/gym- and she did. I've never seen my daughter bawl like that for so long ever in my life and was horrible to witness.
After calling several lawyers and ultimately choosing a mediation service (if/when I needed them) I was able to process a tiny bit and 3-4 days after D-day I started researching about recovering from this. I found a very expensive 'make it or break it' emergency couples counseling program and took us a few weeks to get through including our letters to each other (victim impact letter/ her disclosure letter/fairly weak 'timeline'. I felt really good coming out of that experience- she shared/talked more than she ever has. But once we get home it's a different story. Won't talk much face to face. She said we can email each other but doesn't answer half my questions. We started 2 days ago with a longer term MC and it went well and I have her locked down for the next 4-5 weeks. She has had 4 IC sessions and I have my 4th today. I don't think she's been honest with her IC about how bad her depression is/has been and has NEVER talked to anyone about it and has never been medicated. I was close to calling 911 several times in the early days after Dday as she "didn't feel like she deserved to live" but "wouldn't act on it". I begged her 17 years ago to see an IC because I knew of 'some' of the childhood/college age trauma (way too many casual sex partners, none of were actual relationships in college, an abortion during that time, etc). This was all before we met. I have been her only relationship she's ever been in.
So, it's slow going. I wish I knew of the 180 before I did. Is it too late to start that??? I've been trying too hard and she doesn't seem to be trying hard enough. She bury's herself at her store and I've asked for a better work/life balance from her for many many years. We've never taken a vacation together in 20 years because of this reason. She's there weekends/many evenings after dinner. She refuses to hire help. Her parents know NOTHING about the real her/trauma problems and some are pointed towards them. Her mom works with her part time and then never talk about anything of substance- it's sad. I've read everything, she'll listen to bits of audio books with me here and there (too busy w work) . She is saying the right things but I sure don't feel it coming through yet with solid actions. I was begging for a couple crumbs (words) of hope once in a while but it's like pulling teeth and I'm feeling like one of my feet is half way out the door. I have had enough time at least to understand MY WORTH. And that I deserve someone in life that loves and respects me and right now it's obviously not her- but I am giving it my best shot before I give up.
I honestly feel lately that she's been pushing me away. TRYING to get me to crack and call it quits so she'd have something to blame on me! She claims that's not the case she's just riddled with shame and guilt and depressed.
The AP's wife told me he initially denied it was sexual. But then told her the same (sex 2 times). But they could have made that number up the morning of D day. Right after her physical parts we all installed the 360gps app on ours and kids phones. So, maybe that saved many more times of them getting together? I don't know.
Too late for the 180? Post nup aggreement? I'm currently working on my boundaries/consequences.
Thank you all. I have learned a lot already. It's taken a lot of courage to share my misery.
6 comments posted: Thursday, September 24th, 2026
