SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

H and I had serious problems in our marriage and I failed to set proper boundaries, to say "this is unacceptable" and find the right way to deal with them (counseling, divorce, whatever). I tried to tell him what I needed, but was ineffectual and gave up. Instead I withdrew and we became more and more emotionally distant and I became closer with other people than my husband, eventually "clicking" with the xOM. I lived my own emotional life, separate from my H. My EA was the final expression of that.

Now we are working on starting over and building back our life together. I built a very strong wall between us and it's taking some work to tear it back down after so many years.

Or at least that's how I understand things today, 2 months after d-day. I expect my understanding will deepen and change as reconciliation proceeds.

I think searching and finding the answers to why we did this are key to recovery. Answers do NOT mean justifications. Nothing justifies what I have done, but there are core reasons, or character defects that allowed me to do what I did.

What I have found is similar to others.

Need for validation, insecurity,selfishness. I realized I have abandonment issues, and I was horrible at communicating.

So, basically, I was afraid my BS would leave me, I started feeling bad about myself, I was too afraid to talk with BS about my feelings, I cared only about myself and making myself feel better.

The selfishness is really the key for me. I expected everything from him, and didn't give anything in return.

I've learned that giving in a relationship is so much more rewarding.

I've learned that communication is vital.

Wow, I remember this thread. Saw my old post from back in May.....whew, I've come a long way. I could hear the hurt and pain in my post. I don't hurt like that anymore and it feels good. Still have work to do, but back then, I was pretty fresh out of the A and was in a tremendous amount of pain. Good to know I'm making strides.

bump.

Please keep this post 'bumped'....

Thanks Scarlet for starting this thread!

This has been such good insight and is really about getting downto the real issues. The day to day 'stuff' needs to be gooten out also BUT getting down to the true issues is where healing comes.

Ditto for me to wanting male attention to validate myself (has the seriously narcissistic career of being a model), my M was challenged, I felt worthless without a big career (quit it to raise an austistic child and another child) and I was selfish. Also it was an ESCAPE from someone who was associated with my H who was bullying me. I wanted to believe EA would be just as wonderful with the daily grind, HISTORY, etc. as he was when we had no mutual problems to work out. It was a LIE! Such a lie that I could escape my problems through another person. It almost destroyed me and my M and my husband. And worst of all, I see how I STILL am open to, wanting male attention but I am far smarter about it. Why? Because I lied to myself that I could live in fantasy; that I could 'handle' an EA, that I would be happier without my M. My happiness does not depend on anyone outside of me. It's my responsibility ALONE. Hurting my H and lying to myself will surely not lead to happiness. It only SEEMS like the harder path to heal the M, and most importantly, my wayward desire for attention. It's by far the path of most grace and true joy rather than a temporary high. Once you finally look within and validate yourself, or truly I believe go within to God (love, Spirit, higher power) you will be fulfilled each time. Enough of those choice build momentum and lead to true love.

I have been asking myself this very question a lot of times. I know what I liked about the affair and I feel dumb and ignorant about it afterwards. How could I ever have thought that anything was worth risking my marriage for an affair with another woman.

So yes, it made me feel great since she thought I was funny, smart, etc. etc. etc. I loved how she made me feel about myself. I loved how she just listened to me when I told her about work or other things and how she remembered it. I loved how she surprised me. I loved the sex we had but in the end: IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME!

I realise that I was just selfish and thinking about myself only risked the most important thing I had in my life. Not our kids, not our family but the trust I had from my wife. How she was completely ignorant when I did what I did behind her back for a year with her best friend. How she felt things were going on but was too insecure to say anything to me about it.

And yes, it was much more exciting in some aspects than my marriage was but the affair was also incomplete and not even close to real life. It could not have gone on and I should have been stronger myself for wanting to get out.

Now I realise how much I had and risked and we are now very busily in R and have just passed our first antiversary. We are on the right track but I realise that I need a lot of hard work, transparency and patience to regain her trust.

i'll also echo the need for male attention and validation. i've also accepted the fact, through IC, that i am someone is motivated by ego. that, if allowed, my ego will dictate just about every decision i make, especially when there’s boundaries involved. additionally, although i am confident on the surface, i struggle with serious self-esteem issues that are deeply rooted. i have a hard time accepting praise from my colleagues and peers (xOM excluded b/c it wasn't praise, it was just ego stroking). i have a tendency to brush it off or follow the comment with some kind of humorous, yet sarcastic remark because in all actuality, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

in IC the other day, i actually had a discovery and i stumbled onto it myself. BH is very nonchalant and aloof about alot of things, hell, mostly everything. he's fairly laid back and most things can't, won't, and don't get a rise out of him. i used to joke that if we won the lottery i'd have no way of knowing because his facial expression wouldn't change. he agreed. my discovery was this - maybe i had the A to get some kind of reaction out of him. like i said, he's pretty aloof - doesn't say much, only gets upset if the Lakers lose or only win by a few points or if our finances aren't lookin' so hot. now, d-days 1 & 2 arrive and i actually see some kind of reaction out of him - he shows me anger, pain, despair, frustration, sadness, etc. - reactions i have either never seen before or haven't seen in years. i'm still uncovering my whys - but i'm trying to uncover them, and i do believe that's critical, whether we R or not.

Mine was also seeking attention, which I never got from my BS. I mean nil. I wanted to be noticed, shown love, not just saying it. I missed having the emotional and physical part with my BS.

There was no love making, no caressing, cuddling, not even holding hands. I craved that again. I think everyone needs to feel loved and needs physical contact. I was not getting that, and this was almost 3 yrs. prior to my A.

I learned through IC that its not abnormal nor is it asking much to be shown love. I think over time we take eachother for granted, and forget all the little things that made us fall in love.

I didn't and don't want a roomate, I want a lover/friend. I never got that from my H, as much as I voiced it. All I kept being told was, I was bitching and complaining about things that weren't important.?? Not important??? Thier very important in a relationship.

Yes, I regret how I handled things and how I went about seeking what I desired. But at that time I didn't care. I was selfish, not thinking about anyone's feeling but my own.

Even after months of R'ing, things didn't change. I tried and did everything I could with no luck. What I want/need my BS didn't want to give me. Again, he didn't think it was important. He even called me to "emotionally high maintance".

I think it was then I realized that this M was not going anywhere. It was hard, but I chose to leave. I couldn't live they was it was anymore. I needed to save my sanity.

Don't get me wrong, I miss my BS terribly, but I cannot go back to the way things were. I do hope one day that fate will bring us back together. I will never stop loving him.

wow cookies.....just....wow.....

(((hugs)))

bump for roller

Thanks for bumping, beach.

I had much the same "problem" that ScarletA had. I craved attention and for some reason what I was getting from my H wasn't enough.

While growing up I got *no* attention really, I felt like part of the scenery and people seemed to treat me like I had no feelings, that it never occured to them that I *had* feelings to be hurt. I mean, do you honestly think about how a light bulb *feels* if you break it???

Yes, my H gave me attention but after so many years of being treated like I had none, I couldn't accept that he actually felt anything for me. Kinda strange, after 20+ years.

Another thing was, how he was treating me (like a human being with feelings) scared the crap out of me. I just couldn't accept that *anyone* could like me much less love me. So why did I have my A? I was looking for the familiar because I could deal with being treated as a *thing* even though I didn't like it. What I couldn't deal with was being treated like someone who mattered. In the back of my mind I knew that OM didn't care about *me*, he saw I was vulnerable and went in for the kill. I started realizing this on Dday. One of the first things he said when my H confronted him on the phone was "I didn't do anything wrong."

Yes, I'd still like other men to find me attractive, what woman wouldn't? But I won't go looking for it. No, I'm not a beauty queen, far from it but as my H says, I'm not a burn victim either. In fact, he calls me a MILF.

I'm learning to accept myself as I am and be content with the attention I get from my H. From someone who loves me for ME.

Good Thread. In my case, the why was being Self-Absorbed.

A truly lovely honest heart warming thread.

My thanks to all who had the courage to post.

In my opinion anyone who can own up to low self esteem etc should be rightly proud of recognising and accepting that!

Perhaps one day my own FWW (friend and wonderful wife) will find the courage to post here.

Keep the thread bumped - it's great!

Sincere best wishes to all on WS

Mark aka Andrew

A sense of entitlement mixed with some sexual abuse (from a female) from my childhood.

Why did yo do it?

Bottom line, I was selfish...

-JD

Wow! Thanks.

fWH seems to have same opinion of himself. A#3 started as EA & OW making him feel special. He said recently, it could have been anyone (being with OW again was easy/familiar because of previous 2 As). After my accident, I didn't feel like a man in a wheelchair. I needed someone to touch me & make me feel special. When I first came home, you made me feel that way, but over time, it had changed & I honestly thought you didn't leave me because everyone would be angry for you leaving a paraplegic.

The touch thing was a big reason for all fWH's affairs. He feels love through sexual intimacy. I think it's because he started having sex @13 with classmates his own age. I think he confused sex with LOVE. He has dysfunctional family as child (extremely physically/verbally abusive father toward his mom & he/brother both).

For me, I got addicted to CyberSex while in college (I guess you'd call me a fWF @the time). We were engaged & I was only home on weekends & breaks (lived there full-time during the summers). We couldn't afford to talk much on phone, so I guess I really loved the attention of the online A. But, for me also, I liked the excitement & "dirty" part of online element. I didn't have to actually touch anyone and I never loved OM @all (love for him never even popped into my head). I've always been miss Goody-Goody. Felt like I had to behave in certain ways, or my family wouldn't approve of or love me. I was always the ugly fat friend that hung out w/the pretty girl (or that was my opinion of myself) and I was prone to having major crushes on boys in school. So bad, that I would get really depressed once I was rejected by them. Almost obsessed with my crushes. I never had a father (even though my uncle was a male figure I respected in my life). I think, being without a father, made me have low self esteem. That I thought no MAN could love me, since my father chose to never meet me. And, my mother leaving me & my brother with our Nana for a few years to straighten her life up (NC w/us whatsoever)...well, that really secured my poor self opinion.

A few times on vacation at my cousin's as a teen, I displayed very careless behavior & I think it was because I wanted to "pretend" to be someone else. Cybersex let me be Someone Else.

As a preteen/early teen, I actually starved myself, to fit into what I thought was acceptable. Yea, I was skinny....seeing the photos, I was warmed-over death.

I think too, that my relationship w/fWH is more like an obsession. He was the most handsome man I'd ever met in my life (still don't know what he ever saw in me) and receiving his attention put me on cloud nine. Having him around, made me feel like I finally had a home & family. Like I WAS something special, attractive, & even SEXY. I guess, I secretly couldn't live up to what my outward appearance was...the CyberSex changed his opinion of me....but, I think it was my way of saying "I'm not perfect & it's exhausting trying to be - when nobody ever accomplishes that."

P.S. I think fWH craves being KISA. Almost all his long-term girlfriends (including me & OW) had an absentee father (one was deceased). I think he likes to be the father-figure or a controlling presence. He's not abusive or anything toward me, but I never actually stood up to him until we had children & I had very strong opinions about how I wanted them raised. I was more of a laid-back, wishy-washy type. He said he liked me because I was shy & quiet (unlike his noisy past girlfriends).

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:46 PM, October 6th (Tuesday)]

HUFI-PUFI wrote one that really laid out how he felt when he reconnected with his HS-gf. It helped me see things as my H must have done. He had a stop sign on the thread, but I'd like to thank him for his honesty anyway. This is the link and the post that I'm referring to is third one down.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=315647

Any other BS who's WS got involved with an old flame might benefit from reading. Thanks for the thread and all of you for your insights.

I did it because I needed the ego boost. My self-esteem isn't horrible and I believe that I am a strong, independent, and smart woman BUT.... I have always felt like I wasnt good enough for my fiance'. He has always been a high achiever, has always been liked by everyone and he has great self-esteem. There is nothing in this world that he thinks he cant do and it's something that I have always loved and admired about him. I always felt that I was not good enough for him, that somehow he deserved better. But in reality, I am successful, I am a great mom, I am (or was) a great partner... It's just my self image of myself that I have to improve on.

Like others have said I need the external validation. I have discovered that this also traslates into my expensive shopping sprees. I always want others to notice me and compliment me. I wont go anywhere without make up, even when I go to casual affairs I am over dressed. The OM was always complimenting me. Telling me how great I looked, how he liked certain parts of my body, etc. When I mentioned to him I wanted to lose weight he would say I was perfect the way I was. On the other hand my fiance would say I needed to start losing weight. It's not that he wanted to put me down, but because he knew I always wanted to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. So many issues... too many to think about.

If anything positive has come out of this, it is that it has allowed me to examine myself and many of the things I do.