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My BGF caught me naked with another woman. It's been two months and we are trying to reconcile but she says she can't get the image out of her mind. She says she wants to forgive me but needs help to get rid of the horrible scene. She has really put me through introspection into why I would do such a thing, especially since we had a truly wonderful relationship. I have made a lot of progress in discovering how utterly selfish I was and I am committed to bringing our relationship around to where it was before I got so stupid. I guess I'm interested if others think it is possible to rebound from such a traumatic discovery. I can't stand the thought of losing her. So much of what I read is very pessimistic about reconciliation working anyway, let alone actually catching the WBF in the act.

[This message edited by xyzaffair at 10:11 AM, November 24th (Monday)]

xyzaffair...

Has all contact with the OP stopped?

It's good to have you here

Welcome to SI.

I think you can R after something like that, but it will take a lot of hard work and committment.

You seem very remorseful and committed to making it work that's a great start. Just keep answering her questions honestly and don't hold anything back.

She is going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now and it's going to be a bumpy ride for both of you. Just stay strong and be there for her.

Keep posting. You are going to get lots of wonderful advice and help here.

There was one SI member I remember from a few months ago, who witnessed his girlfriend actually in the act of making love to the OM. He did forgive and the last I heard everything is still going fine.

Of course its all down to individual reactions to such an event, but I certainly would not give up hope.

Here's an update. I mentioned above that she can't get the image of seeing me with the OP out of her mind. Now she is asking that I help her do that. I asked for suggestions but she says that if I really know her I will be able to help her forget the bad memory of what she saw. I feel at a loss. Any ideas?

You probably really can't do that for her. It's going to require counseling and cognitive therapy. Unless she's willing to have more physical intimacy with you at this so she can have new images/memories.

I would suggest IC for you both. That will help you both work through the issues you have stemming from this A. I would also suggest couples therapy so you have a safe place to work through issues together.

As a BS I would have loved if my XH had tried to help me through my pain. He didn't and that hurt. You are doing everything in your power to help your GF and I really admire that. Just be there to listen. Help her by maybe replacing objects that she may see as tainted due to the A. Continue to answer her questions and keep those lines of communication open.

You are doing all the right things xyz.

BGF here, hope it's okay. I've never posted here before, not even sure why I looked. Anyway, you don't say WHERE she caught you, but if it was in the bed you share, change it. Throw away anything that might have OW cooties on it. Get new sheets, quilt etc., and if you can get a whole new bed.

You sure are right about that. I have to change apartments. Today my BGF said since I played my iPod for the OW I need to get rid of it. Thank God for this forum or I wouldn't understand anything. What is really bothering her is when she asks specific questions about what I did with the OW, she gets so angry because I "didn't save anything special" just for her. I didn't "value her and what we did". It is going to take a while.

Well, suddenly what you have isn't special anymore, it's just something you do with any willing female. Take her someplace neither one of you have ever been before. It doesn't have to be a ten-day trip to Maui - just a place away from all triggers. Make memories there - memories that can't be tainted by thoughts that you did the same thing with OW. And if you possibly can make it somplace that shows that you know and understand your GF and what she likes. If she likes to hike take her someplace with beautiful trails. If she likes luxury make it a night in a 5-star hotel in your city. Think about who she really is - and act.

BS here, id tell you to do things with her that you never did with her before. in bed and out of bed.

make up NEW and GOOD movies for her to play in her head. make it hard to get the bad movies to play. make it hard for her to access them thru all the good movies. theyre always gonna be there, but make it hard for her to find and play them.

but id say especially in BED. find stuff you have never done before with her and DO THEM. (first talk about the ideas though to make sure she's good with them) but make sure theyre FUN for HER, let her be a little selfish too.

[This message edited by DamnThatHurt at 4:27 AM, November 28th (Friday)]

but id say especially in BED. find stuff you have never done before with her and DO THEM

Whilst I agree with the notion of coming up with new things to do, the bed area is a dangerous area to do so v soon after d-day.

The inevitable thought from the BS will be "Where did he/she learn that? With the AP?".

More importantly than anything, talk to her. Communication is absolute key, and please, please, please, do NOT hold anything back in regards to details. Trickle truth can in the end cause more permanent damage to the relationship than the A. If she asks a question, be honest.

I also suggest you start reading a bit. There are two books which confusingly have similar titles;

At www.aftertheaffair.net you can download for a fee an electronic copy of a book called "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness

and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston.

This is written solely for the wayward spouse, and contains many many good points.

There is also a printed book called After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Springs. It's available at Amazon, if you use the link on the main page here SI will get a small donation.

Hang in there.

ETA: Also pick up one of the best books on infidelity, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Both that one and Springs' book look at infidelity from both the WS and BS view, so don't be afraid to read them.

[This message edited by JoePike at 6:31 AM, November 28th (Friday)]

Hi buddy....glad you found us.

IT has only been two months....as in 60 days.....8 Saturdays...8 Sundays.......

Don't you think that a lot of this is a matter of timing....it has only been two months.....

It would take me a very long time to get over seeing something like this....a hell of a lot more than two months......

As far as her needs...do everything you can...try to talk to her...cry with her....let her cry alone when she needs to.....

Remember...it has only been two months...

Don't give up....she is still there isn't she?....So stop worring about the chances of her staying when she is already there......

It has taken me years to get over this...and I didn't actually see them nekked together......I am assuming you are going to have a long hard road with this....just don't give up....

You can always keep trying...but you can only give up once.......

Your in my prayers....welcome to SI...you are among friends here.

Oh...and one more thing....if you want to kill your chances forever...just allow contact to be made between you and the OW...I assure you...that will dry up that flower in no time.....

Wow, everyone has been so fantastic. I appreciate your taking the time to write. We went hill walking this evening and the BGF ranted the whole time as to how much she hates the OW and what she wants to do to her. If I don't join in and be equally hateful, then she thinks i'm supporting the ow against her. I've got to figure out ways to get her mind off the subject. Should I allow her (as if I could do anything about it) to spout such outrageous things like wanting to kill her, publicly shame her, spit on her, etc.?

Dear X,

Yes, you need to let her vent and most importantly you need to LISTEN to her.

She's hurt, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, and pissed as hell at both you and the OW.

The difference is that she is CHOSING to stay with you and trying to work this out.

You're at the 2 month point?

Hon...I'm coming up to three YEARS and I'm STILL pissed as hell.

She needs to vent. If you are comfortable with it, see if she is willing to join SI and point her towards the BS section. We can help her.

Listen. That is what she needs from you right now.

k9

Ok finally I hear for the first time ever about someone who got caught in the act posting. To the poster, yes I agree that couple counseling would be a good idea along with cognitive thearapy as a way of implanting new images. How has everything been going by now?? If she gest back with you then do give her all your e-mail accounts, ims, phone numbers, etc., answer all her questions and so specify why you cheated on her. Be an open book to she and tell her your whereabouts when going out and if you are coming late tell her why.

I caught my husband (fiancee at the time) in the act 4 months before our wedding. I spent a lot of time wondering why did I deserve this. Infidelity is bad enough, but the mental scar... I felt like I must be a horrible person to have to endure the pain of the actual image. We worked through it and the key factor to staying for me was that I already knew he loved me, even though he cheated. I had to first decide that I did want our relationship and that in order to be successful I had to get that picture out of my head. I thought of it EVERY day , yes I said EVERY day for at least 18 months. When I'd been tortured enough I had to train myself to not let the pain seep in as somehow I was able to realize that thinking of it was ok- it was allowing myself to stay on that thought for more than a few seconds that was tearing me up. Oh I allowed myself at times to sit in the pain as I was not intending to put blinders on, but unless I was actively working on something about it, I resolved to leave it alone. I started by forcing myself to a happy place every time the image came up. I had to create in my mind something that made me really happy when I thought of it, and think of it immediately (sounds hoakey, but this worked for me). (Now, I am able to use this to help me through many things -- I underwent a painful medical procedure but immediately went to my happy place and got through it. It happens stronger and faster now that I have practiced it so much.) I also had to begin to meditate daily on positive things about myself. This is because I had an image of her naked too, and doing things to the man who was supposed to be mine. So I could tear myself apart with so many comparisons. Oh it just went on and on. One thing that helped is when my WS shot down every comparison I'd make, but not in a phony way. Of course he was attracted to her or he would not have slept with her. He took time to point out the depths of our relationship, lovemaking and his idiot mistake. He helped me with positive things about myself. This allowed me to let him be some of my happy place thoughts which was forbidden before as I felt conflicted trying to forget something about him but then allowing a thought of him. Allowing thoughts of him in the happy place began to heal me. Also, in the bedroom he said my name a lot and told me his feelings for me... he talked during sex so I knew it was all about him and me. This was huge for me as catching someone in the act is a whole different thing to come back from. There are triggers in every act of betrayal but the triggers if you actually see it go on and on and on. I can say that mostly I had to decide I wanted to stop that image. Be careful about agreeing that she deserves to be harmed. when I expressed wanting to harm ow, he was smart by not joining in but instead saying "I don't have feelings for her, but I couldn't live knowing this changed you so deeply - I love the core of who you are, tender and gentle. Sometimes he'd just hold me and say its just you and me, there's no one else in the world that matters. I think he was really scared that if he agreed I just might do something because my mental anguish was intense. Also, I realized that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by not thinking about it ever. It is a reality of our relationship. I thought I had to not bring it up since I married him anyway but that was really niave of me. Its better to process thoughts and not let there be too many unspoken feelings when you want your relation ship to succeed. Every person's psychic (sp) is different, What has helped me may not be what helps your girlfriend. But YES! You can come back from this. I'm a firm believer that love conquers all. Above all else, I've tried to heal so that the love the two of us share can take us to new places. I pray that you will find the best possible ways to support your gf's healing. God's blessings to each of you.

[This message edited by Corinthians13 at 1:05 AM, December 10th (Wednesday)]

Again, I want to thank everyone for their time in helping me understand the impact of what I have done and how I might be able to dig out of this hole. I am especially grateful to hear from Cor:13 as she has gone through essentially the same thing as my BGF.

Here's an update:

I have undergone a tremendous amount of self-reflection and journaling (see another post on using google docs to do this). We have agreed on a plan of behavior for me in terms of dealings with women and I have put up a cash bond that I will forfeit if I am unfaithful.

One of the biggest revelations for me was when my BGF told me about a bad dream she had where I was repeating my behavior. After she told me all those details I didn't say anything so she asked for reassurance that I would never do such a thing again. Then I realized how out of touch I was. She had to ask me for reassurance. I didn't immediately reassure her. When I realized the import of what I didn't do, I started crying, realizing how selfish and out of touch I was.

The next revelation came when she asked if I remembered when I had told her (before D-Day) that I would die for her if someone attacked her. I said, sure, I would take a bullet for you. Then she asked how I could let the MOW attack her and our relationship. She said she could recover from a physical attack but how can she recover from what she saw?

Anyway, we are making progress but its only been about 10 weeks so please pray for us.

I was also caught in the act by my BW. She walked in while I was actively engaged in my infidelity. Since then, there have been major revelations about the extent of my infidelities and we are still reconciling. She has plenty of triggery, angry days and I am certain that the mind movies aren't pleasant at all. The ultimate message, though, is that reconciliation is definitely possible, even in these circumstances.

I discovered my WW affair by finding a pornographic phot shoot that she took with the OM including pictures of her performing oral and riding on top of him.

It hurt like hell that she would do such a personall thing and it's seems pretty sick.

Really the only thing that has helped me in getting over it has been a good amount of time. My WW tried everything. Taking pictures with me, ect... but none of that work.

What worked the best was when I saw how much she loved me. When she was kind and tender and loving and there for me.