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Does anyone know why she got a divorce? Were the details explained in the book?

She purposely does not say in the book.

But Whispercloud3 researched and discovered the author is an OW. I assumed that her A was the cause of the divorce.

Would make sense.

She talks in the introduction that he was ready to have a baby, she was not. It made her question a lot of things because she wasn't ready. She says that she won't say (I just looked it up again) because she can't be unbiased and it's not fair to report what she though his issues were/are when she can't be unbiased about her own issues. She was seeing someone during her separation, but it never says that she started before she separated. I enjoyed the book. I'm a ways out and it felt a "little" triggery just because she was getting a divorce, etc.

I enjoyed the book. HOpe that helps

When I read someone hear say she was an OW I wonder if its true or just mean gossip. I don't know.

I read the book twice and enjoyed it. I liked that she was trying to work on herself and improve and understand herself better. She avoids discussing her husband in the book and doesn't disparage him. I took it as a respect for his privacy which I especially appreciated bec I have a family member who is a writer and I feel so disrespected when I see things I said or did that I thought were private splattered in print or on the internet.

It's in the beginning of the book. She had everything we are socialized to want to have. Husband, house, career, etc but she was not happy. I think her XH wanted a family also and she did not.

She did meet and date someone else while she was separated and working on her D but I got the impression she met him after they separated.

Who knows, maybe it was an exit A. It might explain why her D was so messy (she took a huge financial hit- he even tried to get a cut of future writing proceeds).

She talks in the introduction that he was ready to have a baby, she was not.

I didn't take that as her reason for wanting a D but rather a sign that he wasn't *the one.*

Does anyone know why she got a divorce? Were the details explained in the book?

I posted about this once. She had an affair, and from what she does share in the book, it's obvious it began before her marriage ended.

On page seven, she says "...I am a professional American woman in my mid-thirties, who has just come through a failed marriage, and a devastating, interminable divorce, followed immediately by a passionate love affair that ended in sickening heartbreak."

On page 18, she clarifies that David is "...the guy I fell in love with as I was taking leave of my marriage."

She admits she "clung to David for escape from marriage as if he were the last helicopter pulling out of Saigon."

She proceeds to describe the very clear involvement she had with this man prior to divorcing, even prior to separating. She admits she "... moved right in with David after she left her husband".

She had to be involved with him to "move right in" when she first separated (not many people move in with strangers). She admits to feeling "in love" with him when she does so. She talks about the problems she had getting the divorce (and how very long it took). She even says her husband called her a "liar and a traitor" - as well he might, any BS here on this site can relate to such sentiments.

She goes on to discuss the very typical affair like romance and very typical catastrophic affair like ending - there is nothing new here under the sun, it is a very common and very sordid affair like any other. She doesn't try to hide that fact, and even discusses the "desperation" behind her feelings for the OM and the "emotional speedball" addiction she felt for him.

She not only takes responsibility for her poor choices, she shares her insights into why she cheated:

There is a point earlier in the book where the author begins to be critically honest with herself, in describing her past with men. She says “I barely had an adolescence before I had my first boyfriend, and I have consistently had a boy or a man (or sometimes both) in my life ever since I was fifteen years old. That was - oh, let’s see - about nineteen years ago, now. That’s almost two solid decades I have been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping in the next, with never so much as a week’s breather in between. And I can’t help but think that’s been something of a liability on my path to maturity.” And I thought to myself “you think?!?” lol. And I knew that such wry sarcasm was what she was trying for - and I suddenly found myself filled with compassion for this woman who made herself the target of such sardonic humor.

Her insights into herself didn’t stop there. She states the obvious - “Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right?” And the not so obvious - ”If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else”. The clarity of the last sentence took my breath away. She is quite aware of the self created nature of the issues that plague her relationships with men. She doesn’t know how to fix herself yet, but she knows enough to know that she needs a break from men - which is why she decides to become celibate for a while. ”When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn’t look so good. It’s been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail? Think of it this way - if you’d had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn’t they eventually take your driver’s license away? Wouldn’t you kind of want them to?”

Have you read the book?

In my defense, I read it post-op under the influence of pain meds. (seriously, I did)

I checked back in the beginning this morning to make sure it wasn't blatant.

Thanks for the good insight (as always) DL!

Wow, thanks DL. That is insightful. Sounds like OM probably threw her under the bus after all was said and done.

If she did have an affair she is misleading here:

and a devastating, interminable divorce, followed immediately by a passionate love affair

I guess if people knew she cheated on her husband and didn't get away with it, no one would read the book.

[This message edited by devastated07 at 8:32 AM, June 11th (Thursday)]

Have you read the book?

Ummm, yes, but I didn't know there was going to be a quiz afterward.

Good insights DL.

Sounds like OM probably threw her under the bus after all was said and done.

Nope. They just couldn't live together, too different. I don't believe he was married.

And sadly, people would read it and in some cases more would read it if she was blatant about the affair.

IMHO, I think it reads much more like one of the remorseful WS from this board who is doing a lot of work to get her sh#t together and not keep making the same mistakes.

devastated07-

If she did have an affair she is misleading here:

Yes, she begins the book being very ambiguous about the end of her marriage. But she also owns up to her "habit" of having all of her relationships with men "overlap", and she is honest about her own failings, and the role those failings played in all of her relationships. She makes every obvious effort to avoid blaming her husband for the end of the marriage, she doesn't malign him at all. I don't think she needs to publicly flagellate herself (although she comes close to doing just that) in her own book in order to have credibility. It's not possible to gain insights into the reasons why we do the things we do unless we are willing to take responsibility for them first. I think her refusal to badmouth her husband, as well as her admissions regarding her track record with men, speak to her having taken self responsibility for her life. But that's JMO.

Hope24-

Have you read the book?

Ummm, yes, but I didn't know there was going to be a quiz afterward.

lol. I only asked that because having read the book, it was apparent to me that she not only had an affair, but that she eventually comes to accept sole responsibility for the demise of her marriage and tries to come to know herself better so she can finally have the kind of relationship she truly wants - one that will last, one she won't sabotage herself. She stops making the men in her life provide her with value, meaning and happiness and looks within - so she can be "whole" on her own. I thought it was a wonderful book. Sometimes I do wonder if the book I read is the same one others are reading though lol.

Quiz me on the meals!

Bumping for Jessy.

I loved the book, btw.

Thanks for the bump, Hope. I just started reading it, haven't gotten very far. I didn't get the impression that she had been an OW/WW...but after reading all of this...hmmmm.

I'm still loving the book very much so far, though.

I strongly suspected that she had been a WW when I started the book, by the way she skirted the topic of "why" she divorced. Ironically I started the book, about 1 month after my own DD, but I focused on her journey.

I found it healing for me in many ways. I also think her follow up book title was interesting, which I also read.

Based on that, I suspect she learned a little something on her life journey.

bump