SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's not snooping or spying ... it's VERIFYING. You have no reason to feel guilty for "verifying".

The WS has no right to be angry if you "verify". The WS has created the need to "verify" because of their inability to resist temptation previously.

If the WS has nothing to hide, what's the problem with verifying? Seems to me an angry response is just the guilt talking.

FWS here. I have no problem with my BH checking whatever he wants to or needs to. I don't have anything to hide. I've even told him if he wants to put a key logger on my laptop to go right on ahead and do it. If he wants to check the history, he can. I've only cleared the history once since I got it about 4 or 5 months ago and that was because it had a dozen or more sites listed. (I think that's what was slowing it down some...)

Anyway, as for cell phone and such, we share even though I carry it more than he does. Let him check. If he finds a number he doesn't recongize, he asks and I answer him honestly. "Oh it was so and so" or (more usully) "I have NO idea who the hell that was." (Lots of robo-calls )

I just don't understand the FB thing!

While visiting my SIL recently she asked us "don't you want to set up a FB account?" My FWH and I came back with a quick NO at the same time.

The potential harm a FB can do does not out weigh the harm, IMHO.

Also, there is no time limit on verifying info if you feel the need. She should welcome it as another opportunity to show you she has nothing to hide.

I would have no problem at all with my BH checking anything and everything, because I have nothing to hide. Check away! I want my BH to know that I am 100% into this R and all about our M our life and our future together.

If I were to get a FB friend request and it were an old BF. I wouldn't accept it because I know my BH wouldn't be comfortable with that, even if that person never meant anything to me.

If it were someone I wanted to accept, I would discuss it with BH first.

Will your W discuss her reaction with you?

I don't see any 'red flags' at all from her reaction.

I am a FBS/FWS, & although I am not doing anything that isn't above board, I too would be pretty annoyed if my spouse was snooping in my stuff. I have/would NEVER be handing over my cell or website passwords (other than online banking) for 'verification'. I am not a child who needs checking up on, & I regard these things as my personal business.

If my spouse happened to be there when I was on facebook & asked who someone was, I'd happily tell him, but if he was snooping around & asked, yeah, I'd be very annoyed!

One of the best ways for a WS to encourage the BS to end the marriage is to become angry, defiant, defensive, and secretive when the BS is hurting and needs reassurance that the WS is not continuing with A behaviors.

My H WANTS me to feel free to check whenever I want because now he has nothing to hide and welcomes the chance to show me and himself that he is a changed man who loves me and wants to be married to me.

During his A, my H was secretive, angry, and defensive. He was angry as hell when I found the email from OW on his work email account that proved his A hadn't ended after DDay #1. When he finally came all the way out of the fog, he saw that transparency and honesty were important steps to R.

When the guise of "privacy" has been used to cover up an affair, it simply ceases to be garden variety "privacy" and becomes just another tool to be used in infidelity.

A WS who has nothing to hide, hides nothing, is forthcoming about passwords and such and has gleaned enough maturity about the situation as a whole NOT to get bent out of shape over "privacy".

They need to ask themselves which is MORE important, giving up a few passwords to a hurting spouse for the BS's emotional security, or their own arrogant attitude which got them into the situation to begin with.

GypsyQueen

They need to ask themselves which is MORE important, giving up a few passwords to a hurting spouse for the BS's emotional security, or their own arrogant attitude which got them into the situation to begin with.

Oh so true...

Pride and arrogance was in the way prior to and during the infidelity and sometimes it has a tendency to stick around after the infidelity.

I have nothing to hide means just that; i have nothing to hide.

[This message edited by letting_go at 10:27 AM, February 10th (Wednesday)]

WOW BSWS! I am in shock over your post!

I too would be pretty annoyed if my spouse was snooping in my stuff. I have/would NEVER be handing over my cell or website passwords (other than online banking) for 'verification'.

Transparency is not about you, it is to help heal your BS.

I am not a child who needs checking up on, & I regard these things as my personal business.

IMO, M couples share their business.

If my spouse happened to be there when I was on facebook & asked who someone was, I'd happily tell him, but if he was snooping around & asked, yeah, I'd be very annoyed!

This sounds like "catch me if you can"

Why would you not want your BS to feel the security of knowing there is nothing being hidden?

I regard these things as my personal business.

I believe getting married means that two people share everything!

Ron

You weren't wrong and she shouldn't care if you're snooping on her, although at 2.5 years out if you were still obsessed with snooping that would be a problem.

Trust is not 100% restored, and it shouldn't be. Your wife was wrong to react the way she did. It could be that she's never forgiven herself, which should be dealt with. It could be an A too... what does your gut tell you?

her response and anger really stunned me

If your gut isn't saying "it might be an A", then you might want to mention this to her.

You know, it's interesting because my husband and I had a nearly identical interaction, but he had a completely different response.

I was looking at his friend page (from the friend view - I wasn't signed in to his account) and saw he added a woman I didn't know. I asked him:

"Who is xxxx?"

he responded: "An old student of mine that graduated a few years ago."

He didn't get pissed or defensive or angry. We're nearly four years out from DDay - about 3.5 years into R. He didn't say "Why do you have to ask me about these thing?!" or "Why aren't you passed this!"

This may be a t/j, but I was saddened by the response of BSWS.

I am not a child who needs checking up on, & I regard these things as my personal business.

You may not be a child, but betrayal is a childish act, and if you do not understand the need to verify when you have been delivered the ultimate blow to your trust, you don't understand what trust is made of. And that is not very adult.

I'd venture a guess that well over 90% of the people on this site, including waywards who are not also BS's, agree that there will be checking and verification and that BS's need to do this in order to heal.

Asking a BS not to check and verify, and just plain snoop is like asking someone who has been in a terrible car accident not to check the seatbelt is secure -- just plain silly.

(((HardenMyHeart))) You are justified, and your W's reaction was not. If my H was even ON FB, I would not like it. The rules have changed. He does not get to live by the old rules any more.

Forgive me for being blunt, but to your FWW- Too fucking bad! The day she cheated was the day she gave up her rights to complete privacy. That is part of the deal. It has been 5 years since my husband's infidelity, but I can "snoop" as much as I want and he doesn't complain. He created this mess, so he has to deal with the consequences, even if they last a lifetime. Just like I'm dealing with all the negative stuff from being a BS. Tell her to get over it.

Thank you everyone for your comments and feedback.

My wife and I shared our concerns and feelings with respect to this issue and have arrived at a mutual understanding. All is good.